I have mentioned that I am trying to find my "finish line momentum". That last sprint, that final surge of adrenaline that pushes you past physical exhaustion when you see the finish line in a long race.
But I have been having trouble seeing my finish line. It keeps moving ...
One day I am determined to be 5o something kilos. Then the next day I wonder if it really matters.
My original goal, it seems a lifetime ago, was to be 64kg which is 10 stone in olden times calculations. I am now fluctuating between 60 -62 kgs depending on time of the week/month. So in some respects I have already finished this race.
But on the other hand, I have been trying to reach this elusive goal of under 60kgs, for close to two years! That's right folks, what should be me enjoying successful weight loss maintenance, has been an ongoing battle to hit the 50s.
I've done it twice -- the first time through severe calorie restriction and over-training and the second at the end of my brief Weight Watchers episode off the back of a 8 kilo regain.
Neither methods I would like to re-employ thank you very much. A logical person might suspect that although I can get to this low scale weight, it is impossible for me to stay there for more than 20 minutes after which I celebrate by ... eating!
Some days I tell myself that I am so goddamn muscly that I weigh "heavy" on the scales and I am actually very very small. I looked up my measurements on the USA size charts and I am a size 2 in that alternative universe.
But here in Australia, I am a size 8. Because I principally eat low carb I weigh "light" because I don't have the water retention a normal carber has with no glycogen stores.
AAHHH ... are you confused yet? I am.
Why I should stay at this weight my body seems determined to stay at
~ I can see my ribs
~ I have no boobs
~ my hip bones stick out
~ my stomach is flat
~ I have no @rse
Why I should lose more weight
~ I don't have a six pack
~ I have cellulite on my thighs
~ my legs are chunky
~ there is visible fat on my lower back
Things that I cannot change [without surgery]
~ I have no boobs
~ I have loose skin on my stomach, my upper arms, my knees and my inner thighs
~ I have serious stretch marks
~ I am 42 years old
Mmmm ... when are you thin enough?
Would losing another 5 kilos give me a six pack, shrink my thighs, remove the cellulite and banish the back fat? Can't remember that it did in those brief shining moments in 50s land.
Am I just chasing an illusive dream? Wanting a body that I could never achieve without major surgery and switching to training as a full time job?
I reckon they should have 'The Biggest L0ser" for those of us who want to lose those last 10 pounds. A fat camp for the "almost got there" people. Put me in a house with nothing else to do except exercise with a personal trainer and see what I could achieve.
But I would probably end up right back where I am now the minute I get home and Mr Katie cooked me a welcome home dinner. And that would just be cruel - don't you think?