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Thursday, 10 January 2008

There must be something in the air

It's 10 days in to the new year and I feel blah.

And from what I can tell, I am not the only one. There are bloggers out there who are struggling already with their new year resolve. There are bloggers who have given up blogging about their weight loss or blogging altogether.

I have not kept my commitment to taking a photo every day - I don't have a reason/excuse, I just haven't done it.

I haven't done very well in the exercise department either - I skipped my cardio this morning.

AND ... I can't stop eating, mostly good food (except for today when I ate some Chinese sweet bun thingys) but too much muesli, dried apricots and too many nuts, and the scale agrees.

I am also thinking about not blogging completely. I am not sure why I do it anymore. It's meant to be my journal where I record my thoughts and feelings, but more and more I find I am self censoring for my small "audience". Part of me loves the virtual community of bloggers that offer so much support and provide accountability but the other part of me feels like I need to only say things that will not disappoint or offend my readers.

What I would like to say is that I am finding being healthy and fit a struggle because I no longer feel overweight. I am aware how shallow this sounds to people who are overweight and who struggle to eat well and exercise. What do I have to complain about? I'm thin after all.

But I still have ongoing issues with food. I think anyone who has been overweight has used food for pleasure or comfort or simply just "loves" food. We are not wired like skinny people who can take it or leave it. And I don't know if "take it or leave it" is a behaviour I can learn. So far it hasn't stuck!

The problem is that my desire to be really really lean is not strong enough. My strongest desire to change is present when I am squishy, round, and plumpish. What I want is to NOT be my version of fat, rather than wanting to be skinny. Does that make sense?

So when I am a normal weight (not my goal weight) the motivation disappears. When there is room in my jeans, when I like what I see in the mirror, when my hip bones peak through the fat, then the rot sets in. My desire to work hard evaporates ... I can't push beyond average to outstanding.

I think that this post has turned into mindless rambling ... sorry ...
Those of you who have written about my mental instability are probably right after all.

10 comments:

  1. hmmmm, maybe your body or your mind needs a break from all this exhausting stuff? I can only imagine what it must feel like to look at your body and be proud and happy *sigh*. I don't want you to stop cause I find you very inspiring, if that's any consolation?

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  2. What you're describing is a common reaction to achieving your goal - or at least completing a set program/challenge, call it what you will. You no longer have that driving reason to eat well and exercise, because you've "finished" (even if oyu haven't actually got to exactly the point you want to be).

    First of all, you might need to find new reasons for doing what you do - something that will keep you going long-term.

    Also, you may need some new short-term goals. Find something that excites you to work towards...perhaps take the focus off your body and pick something like a distance race, or a bench press goal or whatever. More of an athletic goal than a weight loss goal.

    And don't be too hard on yourself - you finished your challenge smack bang in the middle of the silly season. You'd be inhuman if you didn't indulge and relax. It can be hard getting back on track after holidays or Christmas or whatever, let alone when you've just done 12 tough weeks.

    Do a little soul searching see what you come up with. If fitness and health really matter to you, you'll be back in the saddle soon enough.

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  3. I hear ya Miss K. My 'finish point' is 65kgs, when I was really big that was my goal. I now know I can do much much better but something always stops me when I get back to 65. Hence the reason im up to 68 AGAIN!
    Listen to Kek, she has the right idea, i just have to make it work for me.
    Cheryl xxx

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  4. Babe if the honest truth offends someone then they aren't worth worrying about. Don't sensor your area to vent just to please others. This is your space and if people feel like reading then its a priveledge to do so not a neccessity or a right.

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  5. Don't give up Katie - you have done so well to get where you are. Set some more goals which will give you the incentive to keep going. Even if they are little ones, it will help :)

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  6. I think we all go through periods of "oh fuck it".... hang in there, I for one would miss you something horrid if you stopped blogging mate. You are lovely, really you are.

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  7. I would miss you too! I check your blog every day - you always have something to say, whether it be inspiring or just plain entertaining. You look fantastic - just keep it up.
    As Kek said, maybe you just need a new focus. Maybe find a fun run coming up and train for that - just something to keep you motivated.
    Chin up pretty lady xxx

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  8. i am gonna smack you around the head when i see you this arvo! hehe

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  9. This post is EXACTLY the reason you should keep blogging.

    I'm at 65 and look fine(ish) and my jeans are loose.. so therefore I'm finding it so difficult to lose the last 5 that I know is my true goal. I too get to a 'comfortable' point and dont'm challenge myself anymore.

    Let's all push through January!

    xx

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  10. Here here!!!

    I am the same! I do find that as soon as my clothes are OK I think that it is then OK for me to "relax". This is why I have often come within about 2 kilos of reaching the goal that I set for myself but never actually reached it.

    Unfortunately I only have to look at a cake to put on weight so I should never ever "relax"!!

    I hope you keep blogging as I like reading your posts but if it is starting to feel more like a "job" than a "passion" it may be time to take a break perhaps.

    Miss Pinky

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