It's 10 days in to the new year and I feel blah.
And from what I can tell, I am not the only one. There are bloggers out there who are struggling already with their new year resolve. There are bloggers who have given up blogging about their weight loss or blogging altogether.
I have not kept my commitment to taking a photo every day - I don't have a reason/excuse, I just haven't done it.
I haven't done very well in the exercise department either - I skipped my cardio this morning.
AND ... I can't stop eating, mostly good food (except for today when I ate some Chinese sweet bun thingys) but too much muesli, dried apricots and too many nuts, and the scale agrees.
I am also thinking about not blogging completely. I am not sure why I do it anymore. It's meant to be my journal where I record my thoughts and feelings, but more and more I find I am self censoring for my small "audience". Part of me loves the virtual community of bloggers that offer so much support and provide accountability but the other part of me feels like I need to only say things that will not disappoint or offend my readers.
What I would like to say is that I am finding being healthy and fit a struggle because I no longer feel overweight. I am aware how shallow this sounds to people who are overweight and who struggle to eat well and exercise. What do I have to complain about? I'm thin after all.
But I still have ongoing issues with food. I think anyone who has been overweight has used food for pleasure or comfort or simply just "loves" food. We are not wired like skinny people who can take it or leave it. And I don't know if "take it or leave it" is a behaviour I can learn. So far it hasn't stuck!
The problem is that my desire to be really really lean is not strong enough. My strongest desire to change is present when I am squishy, round, and plumpish. What I want is to NOT be my version of fat, rather than wanting to be skinny. Does that make sense?
So when I am a normal weight (not my goal weight) the motivation disappears. When there is room in my jeans, when I like what I see in the mirror, when my hip bones peak through the fat, then the rot sets in. My desire to work hard evaporates ... I can't push beyond average to outstanding.
I think that this post has turned into mindless rambling ... sorry ...
Those of you who have written about my mental instability are probably right after all.