I used to sometimes have nightmares that I had eaten all the unhealthy processed food I could get my hands on. When I woke up, I would be relieved that it was just a dream.
For the last two mornings I have woken up and realised that it was, in fact, reality.
I have been eating so much crap over the past two days, it is rather frightening. I do fine all day long, but once I get home at night I can't stop eating. I eat my healthy dinner and then spend the rest of the night in the kitchen eating whatever rubbish I can get my hands on.
I was going to say that I am unable to stop myself. But of course, no one is forcing it down my throat, I am doing this to myself. I am sitting here this morning still feeling stuffed from last night's episode.
I am terrified that all my self control has gone and that I will undo all the hard work of the last 4 months in a matter of days.
I can't use the excuse that I have been starving myself as 1400-1500 is not a severe low calorie diet. I know all the standard advice - forgive yourself and start afresh today, this is normal and will pass soon, you won't get fat from 2 bad days, listen to your body, set a new goal, get rid of all the trigger food in the house, take one day at a time, blah bah blah - and none of it is working.
If I were to blame everything else rather than myself I would remind myself that
- my period is now 9 days overdue
- I just delivered one of the biggest events ever yesterday comparatively unprepared as my focus has not been at work these last few weeks
- I didn't allow myself any rest and have been in the gym every day this week
- my expectations of staying on plan were totally unreasonable
- I'm physically and emotionally exhausted
I sort of expected this to happen (which may be part of the problem) but I didn't think it would be this bad. I am having a rest from the gym today and maybe a rest from "diet" food - no protein powder, no egg whites, no giant salads. Maybe I'll have cereal for breakfast, sandwich for lunch, meat and veggies for tea with some fruit in between. Maybe I won't and will try again to eat 5 small meals with equal protein and carbs. Why does food rule my life? This is bollocks!