I love to read everyone else's blogs because it reminds me so much that I am not alone and I am not the only one going through shit! Warning -- what follows is not for the faint hearted or those looking for inspiration and encouragement!!
This week has been tough. I am hungry and craving and feeling deprived. I want to plunge headlong into a bowl of chips, apple pie and doughnuts.
At this point in time, I don't care what I look like and I don't care that I have done so well for so long. I want to be free of this constant struggle, this life of discipline and this nagging pressure to be, if not perfect, then at least close to it.
Is the price of slimness and fitness too high? Why does it take me 3 hours from waking to sitting down at my desk at work every single morning? Why do I have to wake up early, weigh myself, exercise, cook breakfast, find something on the online weight loss world to get me through the day, shower, find something that fits, make my lunch and travel to work all before my working day starts? 3 hours folks, I kid you not. If you take away the 1/2 hour travel time, that is still a lot of investment in myself everyday. It's exhausting!
I sit here tonight after a beautiful dinner of lean chicken sausages, a little sweet potato, broccoli, zuchini and string beans, followed by strawberries and a little cream and I want more. I want chips, apple pie and donuts.
I haven't fallen off the wagon. I haven't fallen off anything -- I am looking at the wagon thinking that it is an old-fashioned inefficient means of transport that takes far too long to get anywhere useful to me.
So what is wrong with me? Am I aiming too high? Are my aspirations unrealistic and therefore unattainable? But that can't be -- I've reached 57 kgs before -- and it is now still 5 kgs away. I have been so disciplined and "good" for over three months and I am no nearer my goal than when I started.
Obviously the mental tricks have worn off. Binge Barbie is awake and angry. Bugger off Barbie!!
What annoys me the most is that everything else in my life I deal with head on with courage, persistance and humour. My eating defeats me. On this particular Friday night in March 2007 I want instant gratification. Either stuffing my face with junk or seeing something happening on the scales.
So what do I do? At this point in time all I can think of is some sort of extreme diet. Back to 1200 calories low fat diet? or a variation on the low carb thing -- either meat and eggs, the fat fast or Kimkins perhaps. If I did it for 2 weeks and lost weight would that make me happy?
Now that I don't know. I think I have issues. I think I might have just crashed.
I think I think too much ...
I don't expect anyone else to have the answers, I've seen others go through this too. Maybe it's temporary, maybe I need to re-focus [whatever the f**k that means!], ... or maybe I should just shut up ...
Maybe I should just do nothing tonight ... things always look better after you've slept on it. Don't know how to end this disturbing piece of prose except by saying let's hope tomorrow is better.