... when you find yourself in a body you've never had before.
I hope you will understand this post which may just be the most honest one I have ever written.
I am trying to pinpoint what is wrong with me. I have accomplished more than I ever wanted. When I started my journey to "lose some weight" the only thing I had in mind was to get back into a size 12 which was what I considered "normal" for me. I expected to drop a little weight [about 10-15kg] and then continue on my merry way.
My vague goal was 64kg [10 stone] because I couldn't ever remember being anything less. For whatever reason, probably packing on the muscle, I made a size 12 at about 68kg, a size 10 at 64kg and kept going.
As you all know, I am now a size 8 -- and I find myself in a body I have never been in before. It is not only thinner, but it is a completely different shape. I look thin, I look fit but I am not comfortable in my (wrinkled) skin. I feel like I am an interloper in someone else's body and they are going be demanding it back soon.
Being goal orientated, I have concentrated only on the eating and exercise and haven't spent anytime inside my head. As a consequence, I am still fighting this body I'm in.
I don't have abuse issues, I don't have low self-esteem, I like myself and my life. But I like my insides better than my outside. No -- I do like my outside but it feels like I haven't done enough to deserve to keep it.
Although it seems pathetic and ridiculous, I still FEEL fat. I honestly feel that this body is temporary. I still fear that I will lose control and just eat and eat until I am obese again. I don't have very many size 8 clothes because I can't believe this is where my body wants to be. I haven't thrown away my size 10s or 12s because I might need them.
If this is my natural weight, how come I spent 40 years of my life 'heavy'. Was I doing something wrong? was my body lying to me? I didn't overeat, I didn't eat junk food, I had an active job and walked a lot. Yet I stayed a size 12-14 all of my adult life. So how can this be my natural size and shape? I still don't get it.
And therefore I can't accept it. And I think this is the underlying confusion that causes me to continue to binge eat. Doesn't matter if it's all low carb, eating until I'm stuffed is not healthy and still overeating. There are lollies in the pantry that I sneak so DH can't see me eating them. This is dysfunctional eating behaviour.
So this is where the examination of my motivation and my goals comes in. My body confuses me -- I don't really know how I got it. My recent eating behaviour is clearly unhealthy. So I am now consciously trying not to gauge my success on my weight, my shape or my clothes size.
My self esteem is built every time I eat a planned meal and finish eating when I am still vaguely hungry. I am a healthy, happy person every time I feel, acknowledge and experience my cravings without giving in to them. I am in charge of what goes into my mouth. I can withstand physical pain [muscle fatigue/lactic acid etc] so riding out and breathing through an overwhelming urge to eat too much/off plan/crap won't kill me -- I won't die -- and by not giving in, I will be stronger the next time. When I eat healthy food in normal portions I respect this new body.
Every single good decision, moment by moment, will help me feel like I deserve this body I'm in. Instead of hoping that I can stay in this physical shape while playing Russian Roulette with out of control eating, cheating and "rewards", I will instead pay my dues each and every day by only doing what is healthy.
I know I won't be perfect, that I will slip up along the way, but I will progress.
This is Day 3 - C L E A N.
** I am now going to the pantry to throw the lollies in the bin. I will not take a handful for old time's sake. If I really want lollies and decide to eat them, and acknowledge the consequences of eating them, I will go to the shop and buy some. Here goes ...
*** I did it -- not easy (I'm home alone so no-one would know and I'm low on calories today) but I did it. Phew! I made sure they were covered up by the other rubbish because only a really sick person would rescue a couple of M&Ms from the rubbish bin!! Besides Guido [my cat] is watching and he would tell ... (am I scaring you now???)