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Tuesday, 3 April 2007

Strange Things Happen

... when you find yourself in a body you've never had before.

I hope you will understand this post which may just be the most honest one I have ever written.

I am trying to pinpoint what is wrong with me. I have accomplished more than I ever wanted. When I started my journey to "lose some weight" the only thing I had in mind was to get back into a size 12 which was what I considered "normal" for me. I expected to drop a little weight [about 10-15kg] and then continue on my merry way.

My vague goal was 64kg [10 stone] because I couldn't ever remember being anything less. For whatever reason, probably packing on the muscle, I made a size 12 at about 68kg, a size 10 at 64kg and kept going.

As you all know, I am now a size 8 -- and I find myself in a body I have never been in before. It is not only thinner, but it is a completely different shape. I look thin, I look fit but I am not comfortable in my (wrinkled) skin. I feel like I am an interloper in someone else's body and they are going be demanding it back soon.

Being goal orientated, I have concentrated only on the eating and exercise and haven't spent anytime inside my head. As a consequence, I am still fighting this body I'm in.

I don't have abuse issues, I don't have low self-esteem, I like myself and my life. But I like my insides better than my outside. No -- I do like my outside but it feels like I haven't done enough to deserve to keep it.

Although it seems pathetic and ridiculous, I still FEEL fat. I honestly feel that this body is temporary. I still fear that I will lose control and just eat and eat until I am obese again. I don't have very many size 8 clothes because I can't believe this is where my body wants to be. I haven't thrown away my size 10s or 12s because I might need them.

If this is my natural weight, how come I spent 40 years of my life 'heavy'. Was I doing something wrong? was my body lying to me? I didn't overeat, I didn't eat junk food, I had an active job and walked a lot. Yet I stayed a size 12-14 all of my adult life. So how can this be my natural size and shape? I still don't get it.

And therefore I can't accept it. And I think this is the underlying confusion that causes me to continue to binge eat. Doesn't matter if it's all low carb, eating until I'm stuffed is not healthy and still overeating. There are lollies in the pantry that I sneak so DH can't see me eating them. This is dysfunctional eating behaviour.

So this is where the examination of my motivation and my goals comes in. My body confuses me -- I don't really know how I got it. My recent eating behaviour is clearly unhealthy. So I am now consciously trying not to gauge my success on my weight, my shape or my clothes size.

My self esteem is built every time I eat a planned meal and finish eating when I am still vaguely hungry. I am a healthy, happy person every time I feel, acknowledge and experience my cravings without giving in to them. I am in charge of what goes into my mouth. I can withstand physical pain [muscle fatigue/lactic acid etc] so riding out and breathing through an overwhelming urge to eat too much/off plan/crap won't kill me -- I won't die -- and by not giving in, I will be stronger the next time. When I eat healthy food in normal portions I respect this new body.

Every single good decision, moment by moment, will help me feel like I deserve this body I'm in. Instead of hoping that I can stay in this physical shape while playing Russian Roulette with out of control eating, cheating and "rewards", I will instead pay my dues each and every day by only doing what is healthy.

I know I won't be perfect, that I will slip up along the way, but I will progress.

This is Day 3 - C L E A N.

** I am now going to the pantry to throw the lollies in the bin. I will not take a handful for old time's sake. If I really want lollies and decide to eat them, and acknowledge the consequences of eating them, I will go to the shop and buy some. Here goes ...

*** I did it -- not easy (I'm home alone so no-one would know and I'm low on calories today) but I did it. Phew! I made sure they were covered up by the other rubbish because only a really sick person would rescue a couple of M&Ms from the rubbish bin!! Besides Guido [my cat] is watching and he would tell ... (am I scaring you now???)

5 comments:

  1. I happened to read your Blog Slug, "Getting older, fitter and healthier and finding inspiration everyday".

    That certainly 'LIFE'.

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  2. I understand how you feel. When I reached my goal last time I had the same fears. Sadly I allowed mine fears to come true and now I'm having to do this all again. I didn't have to be that way though. I could still be maintaining if I'd just not given up on myself.

    Good for you on throwing away the lollies. I don't keep stuff I really like in the house any more. I figure if I really think I need something, I'll go buy ONE and enjoy it at least that way I can't binge. Sometimes the thought of having to go out and buy it is enough to change my mind.

    Hang in there. You are doing great!

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  3. I think that you should consider an eating disorder therapist - to take a look at you - probably in about 8 visits they can say - YES - you need help - or NO - you don't.

    I started with mine - not to straighten out my head - but to learn not to regain. And - the perspective that this person gives me - is incredible - "normalizing" - telling what I feel is normal (sometimes) and telling me when what I feel is not "normal" - and it is ED or anxiety or depression or learned response or me protecting myself, etc, etc. etc.

    And it isn't about the food - it's the feelings - even if you don't have a "background" - I think it still is the feelings.

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  4. Body dysmorphia---it is a big thing in the WLS commmunity---you don't think you deserve to be thin and healthy---you don't see yourself as thin---always failed at previous weight loss attempts so why would this be any different---
    I lost over 180 lbs the first year after my WLS but I continued to wear all my six 6x clothes--when My mom finally got me to the store to buy some clothes---I was in a size 12---so imagine if you will a size 12 body in size 6x clothes---but I still saw myself as the size 6x-----even now 2 years after that I pull my jeans out of the dryer and can't believe my behind actually fits in them....
    you are a very beautiful woman---be proud of what you have accomplished and give up the fears....hugs to you....

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  5. I have the same fears at the moment, terrified that someone (me???) is going to take away this lovely size 8 figure that I now have... I battle internally every day with this.. like you I feel like an imposter.... when will this end? When i get to 64kg again and have to start the whole weight loss thing again?
    Sue xxxx

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