The first thing that came out of Miss M's mouth was "Do you think you might be bingeing because you aren't eating enough in the first place?"
Yes, dear readers, you have told me this before many times and I haven't listened. Every time I restrict my calories to 1500-1600 I last about 7 days and then I have a blow out.
So, for now, I am making my calorie target 2,000 calories a day at roughly 40% carbs/30% protein/30% fat. Lots of fruit, nuts, veggies, soy and oats/rice. I will see what happens if I stay there for awhile. I have eaten more the past two days, and I am feeling better all around.
There will be no weighing for the moment, but now I have my rings back, I can monitor how much fluid I am retaining by how they fit. After a less than stellar eating effort on Saturday, they were quite tight on Sunday. Now they are fitting normally again.
I have also discovered how to tell if I need to eat or not by looking at the veins on the back of my hands and running up my arms. After I have eaten, they are raised and very noticeable. When I run out of fuel, they flatten and disappear. So when I think I need a snack, I just check in with my veins. Gives new meaning to listening (or looking in my case) to your body!
The session with Miss M was weird and interesting. I guess you can't really judge things after just an hour but I am not yet convinced I'm suited to therapy.
I am so independent, introverted and such a thinker that I like to work things out for myself. I need challenging and provocative discussion to spark new ways of thinking about things. I can already tell you that I am a perfectionist, that my parents only gave me conditional love, and that I tend to be witty and funny rather than reveal my true feelings.
But I suspect that the main point of therapy is to reveal who I really am to another person who is totally objective and to discover that I have the same complexities as every other human on the planet.
There were a few moments of enlightenment though. I was reminded that there is nothing inherently wrong with my present behaviours. Plenty of people train hard 5 or 6 days a week, have guidelines for the type of food they eat, and allow themselves the occasional day off. The problem for me is that for some reason this causes me anxiety . The solution may be as simple as realising that it can be 'normal' and healthy to be focused on being in the best physical condition I can be, and just as 'normal' to throw all the rules out once in a while.
Miss M's parting words echoed the ones I have heard here many times ..."you don't have to be so hard on yourself".