Just in case you think it is all sunshine and flowers in the Katie Comp World, here is what I wrote last night.
I have just been posing in the mirror and I look and feel like shit. I would give anything in the whole world to drown my sorrows in pizza and chocolate and apricot pie/icecream. I just want a full warm tummy and the loving that only fat and carbs and sugar can bring.
My legs look really bad. They are dimpled and wobbly and have layers of elephant skin. My abs have all but disappeared. If I hadn't been so public about this fucking comp I would pull the plug right now.
But I won't do any of the above. I will take my empty, rumbling stomach to bed and live through another sleepless night and then wake to smash myself again in the gym.
I felt so confident and skinny today but when I stood in front of the mirror, I realised I don't look anything like I imagine I do. These things happen I know, we all lose confidence and our monkey brain takes over. It is just so fucking hard when you are cold, alone and can still grab handfuls of fat.
I got into bed and opened my book to read the following:
Before a dream is realised, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realising our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream. That's the point at which most people give up. It's the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one 'dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon'.
The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho
I can see the Palm Trees and I refuse to die of thirst.