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Tuesday, 17 April 2007

CKD Day Four + How losing weight has made me f@cked in the head!

Yesterday
Carb - 28g : Protein = 165g : Fat 55g : Calories 1305
Damn those Lenard's chicken breasts! a little too much protein!

Weight this morning 61.4kg : 18.6% BF
LBM - 50 : BF - 11.4

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Today's musing is about how losing weight and being a thin person has made me fucked in the head! This post is not for the faint-hearted. Read at your peril ...


This is how I feel some of the time, the world I now live in. I know it sounds all doom and gloom and you probably will all advise me to seek therapy, but this is my therapy for today -- writing it all down.

There are plenty of benefits to being thin and fit which everyone focuses on, but I suspect that the down side is some of the reason why people lose weight and then gain it again. This is a true indication of what might happened to me, submitted as a warning for your possible future. For as much as being a size 8 makes me happy, it also makes me miserable. You have to be prepared for both [although I might the only person in the world that feels this way!].

So here are the not so wonderful things I deal with everyday now that I am a formerly fat chick.

~ I am never thin enough - even though I am in the healthy weight range, I want to be at the bottom of the range. If I have lost 20 kilos than 2 more kilos must be easy. But it is so hard to get below where my body wants to be. It is difficult to be happy with how I look. Somehow my new shape highlights new things that need to be "fixed". I think about plastic surgery and then dismiss it as simple vanity.

~ My metabolism is somewhat screwed. I have eaten 1200 calories a day for such a long time that my body thinks it is normal. Instead of lowering my food intake, I have to carefully increase it to restart my metabolism and risk a weight gain which is unacceptable [see above].

~ I feel like I am invisible sometimes. I take up such little space in the world that I am physically insignificant. I have to still be louder, smarter and funnier than everyone else so they notice me.

~ People feel it is acceptable to comment on how I look - "you're too thin", "don't lose anymore weight" etc. They would never say "you're too fat" to a fat person. They also make jokes about my size at my expense "you wouldn't be cold if you got some meat on your bones".

~ Which reminds me, I'm always cold, always cold. I have a jacket or a cardigan with me at all times, even in the height of summer. I have a blanket on my bed all year long. And when I am cold, I am miserable.

~ In the same way that people assume being overweight is entirely due to eating too much [not a medical condition or just a large frame], they also assume that if you are thin it is entirely due to your genetics. No-one appreciates that I have to work at it.

~ I am constantly guilty. I set really high standards that I cannot attain. Eating perfectly, exercising daily and positive mental affirmations are all things I feel guilty about if I don't achieve them. I am a perfectionist with lashings of OCD.

~ People feel perfectly entitled to force high calorie junk food on me. They don't encourage me to eat the vege platter, but they do think that I should eat the cake.

~ My weight is never stable. It is not just on the scales either. Sometimes my pants are tight around my hips and sometimes they sag around my backside. I don't know how to maintain [anything!].

~ Other women think I am after their husbands/boyfriends. I am somehow a threat because I weigh less than them, even though my face is that of a normal 42 year old, wrinkles and all.

~ My period is at best irregular, at worst stopped altogether. My hormones think I'm too thin to reproduce so they have given up.

~ I think about how I look and feel all the time. I am entirely self absorbed. This annoys me because I feel that I am shallow - oops guilt again!!

~ I choose thin over healthy. I know I will gain 4kgs if I stop smoking [I know because I did it when I reached my "goal"]. So I started smoking again to lose those 4 kilos. Sounds ridiculous I know but that is what I did.

~ My body hurts most of the time. I have mentioned this before. It hurts when you're working out and it hurts the next day. Once it wears off you make yourself sore again. Some days I find it hard to walk, hard to pull up my knickers or I can't lift my arms above my head without wincing. I might be strong enough to put my carry-on bag in the overhead locker on the plane, but if I worked out the day before, I might be too sore to try.

~ I live in constant fear that I something I do, or don't do will result in regaining the whole 20 kg + more. All the research says that happens to 95% of people who lose weight. I came dangerously close when I regained close to 10kgs [see above - stopping smoking triggered the backsliding]. If it happened once, it can happen again. I am afraid of a menopause weight gain which is looming on the horizon.


Well, that is a depressing list !!

The good thing is that none of these feelings are unbearable or stop me enjoying my life. But if I was expecting it to be all sunshine and flowers, I would have been disappointed.

As they say - being fat it hard, losing weight is hard, and staying slim is hard - just choose which "hard" you want to work at.

7 comments:

  1. Weight is looking good. I hear you on the always being cold and also the wanting to lose that little bit more!

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  2. hugs to you lady! I'm back and have been plowed under with things to do. I'll catch up with ya soon. Just hang in there.

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  3. I identified with much that you said - some of it past tense - some of it present.

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  4. welcome to my world----
    I live behind the fear of regaining all the time---just because I can no longer sit down and consume mass quantiites of food doesn't mean I can't regain...
    you'll handle this ----one day at a time as we all face it---I just find things are muh easier to handle in a thinner body than an obese one---
    hugs to you...

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  5. Wow. This post really struck home with me. Nearly everything you wrote mirrors my own. I was never more sad and tortured than the year I was at my thinnest. Soooo very unexpected, soooo very sad.

    Like you, I'm a perfectionist, and being a perfectionist has made me somewhat successful, but unhappy. That realization alone (very recent) was enough to jolt me. Please, please please...read Eat, Love, Pray. I think you will gain something from it. It triggered something in me that basically said, "I cannot go on living this way. I am tired of being miserable. I am tired of never being satisfied or good enough. I need a change."

    It's still so new for me that I don't know long it will last. But I do feel lighter, happier and more optimistic than I have in years after I read the book and decided to make some big changes to my life.

    Scary how someone across the globe feels exactly the way I do...

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  6. Sorry, it's Eat, Pray, Love, not Eat, Love, Pray. I've only made this mistake about four hundred times.

    So much for Japanese kids being whizzes.

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  7. wow - i identified with a lot of what you said. thanks for writing that and being so honest. :)

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