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Tuesday, 17 April 2007

CKD Day Four + How losing weight has made me f@cked in the head!

Carb - 28g : Protein = 165g : Fat 55g : Calories 1305
Damn those Lenard's chicken breasts! a little too much protein!

Weight this morning 61.4kg : 18.6% BF
LBM - 50 : BF - 11.4


Today's musing is about how losing weight and being a thin person has made me fucked in the head! This post is not for the faint-hearted. Read at your peril ...

This is how I feel some of the time, the world I now live in. I know it sounds all doom and gloom and you probably will all advise me to seek therapy, but this is my therapy for today -- writing it all down.

There are plenty of benefits to being thin and fit which everyone focuses on, but I suspect that the down side is some of the reason why people lose weight and then gain it again. This is a true indication of what might happened to me, submitted as a warning for your possible future. For as much as being a size 8 makes me happy, it also makes me miserable. You have to be prepared for both [although I might the only person in the world that feels this way!].

So here are the not so wonderful things I deal with everyday now that I am a formerly fat chick.

~ I am never thin enough - even though I am in the healthy weight range, I want to be at the bottom of the range. If I have lost 20 kilos than 2 more kilos must be easy. But it is so hard to get below where my body wants to be. It is difficult to be happy with how I look. Somehow my new shape highlights new things that need to be "fixed". I think about plastic surgery and then dismiss it as simple vanity.

~ My metabolism is somewhat screwed. I have eaten 1200 calories a day for such a long time that my body thinks it is normal. Instead of lowering my food intake, I have to carefully increase it to restart my metabolism and risk a weight gain which is unacceptable [see above].

~ I feel like I am invisible sometimes. I take up such little space in the world that I am physically insignificant. I have to still be louder, smarter and funnier than everyone else so they notice me.

~ People feel it is acceptable to comment on how I look - "you're too thin", "don't lose anymore weight" etc. They would never say "you're too fat" to a fat person. They also make jokes about my size at my expense "you wouldn't be cold if you got some meat on your bones".

~ Which reminds me, I'm always cold, always cold. I have a jacket or a cardigan with me at all times, even in the height of summer. I have a blanket on my bed all year long. And when I am cold, I am miserable.

~ In the same way that people assume being overweight is entirely due to eating too much [not a medical condition or just a large frame], they also assume that if you are thin it is entirely due to your genetics. No-one appreciates that I have to work at it.

~ I am constantly guilty. I set really high standards that I cannot attain. Eating perfectly, exercising daily and positive mental affirmations are all things I feel guilty about if I don't achieve them. I am a perfectionist with lashings of OCD.

~ People feel perfectly entitled to force high calorie junk food on me. They don't encourage me to eat the vege platter, but they do think that I should eat the cake.

~ My weight is never stable. It is not just on the scales either. Sometimes my pants are tight around my hips and sometimes they sag around my backside. I don't know how to maintain [anything!].

~ Other women think I am after their husbands/boyfriends. I am somehow a threat because I weigh less than them, even though my face is that of a normal 42 year old, wrinkles and all.

~ My period is at best irregular, at worst stopped altogether. My hormones think I'm too thin to reproduce so they have given up.

~ I think about how I look and feel all the time. I am entirely self absorbed. This annoys me because I feel that I am shallow - oops guilt again!!

~ I choose thin over healthy. I know I will gain 4kgs if I stop smoking [I know because I did it when I reached my "goal"]. So I started smoking again to lose those 4 kilos. Sounds ridiculous I know but that is what I did.

~ My body hurts most of the time. I have mentioned this before. It hurts when you're working out and it hurts the next day. Once it wears off you make yourself sore again. Some days I find it hard to walk, hard to pull up my knickers or I can't lift my arms above my head without wincing. I might be strong enough to put my carry-on bag in the overhead locker on the plane, but if I worked out the day before, I might be too sore to try.

~ I live in constant fear that I something I do, or don't do will result in regaining the whole 20 kg + more. All the research says that happens to 95% of people who lose weight. I came dangerously close when I regained close to 10kgs [see above - stopping smoking triggered the backsliding]. If it happened once, it can happen again. I am afraid of a menopause weight gain which is looming on the horizon.

Well, that is a depressing list !!

The good thing is that none of these feelings are unbearable or stop me enjoying my life. But if I was expecting it to be all sunshine and flowers, I would have been disappointed.

As they say - being fat it hard, losing weight is hard, and staying slim is hard - just choose which "hard" you want to work at.


  1. Weight is looking good. I hear you on the always being cold and also the wanting to lose that little bit more!

  2. hugs to you lady! I'm back and have been plowed under with things to do. I'll catch up with ya soon. Just hang in there.

  3. I identified with much that you said - some of it past tense - some of it present.

  4. welcome to my world----
    I live behind the fear of regaining all the time---just because I can no longer sit down and consume mass quantiites of food doesn't mean I can't regain...
    you'll handle this ----one day at a time as we all face it---I just find things are muh easier to handle in a thinner body than an obese one---
    hugs to you...

  5. Wow. This post really struck home with me. Nearly everything you wrote mirrors my own. I was never more sad and tortured than the year I was at my thinnest. Soooo very unexpected, soooo very sad.

    Like you, I'm a perfectionist, and being a perfectionist has made me somewhat successful, but unhappy. That realization alone (very recent) was enough to jolt me. Please, please Eat, Love, Pray. I think you will gain something from it. It triggered something in me that basically said, "I cannot go on living this way. I am tired of being miserable. I am tired of never being satisfied or good enough. I need a change."

    It's still so new for me that I don't know long it will last. But I do feel lighter, happier and more optimistic than I have in years after I read the book and decided to make some big changes to my life.

    Scary how someone across the globe feels exactly the way I do...

  6. Sorry, it's Eat, Pray, Love, not Eat, Love, Pray. I've only made this mistake about four hundred times.

    So much for Japanese kids being whizzes.

  7. wow - i identified with a lot of what you said. thanks for writing that and being so honest. :)