In fact, I feel that I love myself less now than I did when I was heavy. Every lump and bump that comes and goes with what I have eaten the day before makes me unhappy. Every deflated bit of skin that hangs loosely when I am probably "too" thin makes be unhappy.
I am a perfectionist and I can't understand why my body won't do what it's told and be perfect. I am trying to look like a mid 20's fitness model - someone who has never been overweight, who doesn't have stretch marks or cellulite, who is genetically gifted with athleticism and a raging metabolism. Of course I am doomed to failure.
I now have an unhealthy relationship with food [thanks dieting!] and a suffer guilt if I don't workout every single day. I am screwed up folks - there's no denying it!
I know I am not alone in this hell of "not good enough". There are others of you out there who have achieved so much, and yet it is not good enough - I've read your blogs. The goals we have set are possibly impossible to achieve.
So is there an answer? I have been struggling with 5 kilos for over 6 months and all I've managed to do is stay the same. If I let go of the trigger will my weight gradually creep higher and higher until I'm back in the 70's or 80's?
Sorry folks, but today being thin(ish) sucks!! As I've said before, it's OK to be a fat chick/large woman/voluptuous -- whatever you want to call it -- but it's not OK to be fat then thin then fat again -- well not for me anyway. The only comfort I have is that I am still small -- I can't let that slip away!
Searching for inspiration on the internet sometimes results in gems of wisdom. I stumbled upon this post by Tree Hugger tonight that struck a chord with me.
There is no conscious eating without conscious living.
I have been doing a lot of yoga lately and really enjoy the time I spend consciously present in my body without the interference of my mind. I think I know the beginnings of conscious living and being in the moment. At those times, I inhabit my body as a temple, as a container for my spirit, as a wonderful complex vehicle for my existence. I need to feel like that about my body all the time. Then I will honour it with healthy food and consistent exercise.
This week I have been doing yoga first thing every morning along with my two classes at work. I am going to try to focus more on how my body feels rather than intellectualising about what I should and shouldn't be doing. I am going to try not recording my calories and carbs every day and go with the flow. It sounds like a recipe for disaster I know -- especially with my aforementioned perfectionism -- but I'm going to give it a go.
At best I will find a sense of happiness and contentment that has been missing, at worst I will have a brief respite from the raging battle.