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Tuesday, 26 June 2007

Do I Love Myself More or Less Now?

I am very tired of this constant battle. I am constantly waging war on my body. I am fighting myself every moment of the day and it is exhausting.

In fact, I feel that I love myself less now than I did when I was heavy. Every lump and bump that comes and goes with what I have eaten the day before makes me unhappy. Every deflated bit of skin that hangs loosely when I am probably "too" thin makes be unhappy.

I am a perfectionist and I can't understand why my body won't do what it's told and be perfect. I am trying to look like a mid 20's fitness model - someone who has never been overweight, who doesn't have stretch marks or cellulite, who is genetically gifted with athleticism and a raging metabolism. Of course I am doomed to failure.

I now have an unhealthy relationship with food [thanks dieting!] and a suffer guilt if I don't workout every single day. I am screwed up folks - there's no denying it!

I know I am not alone in this hell of "not good enough". There are others of you out there who have achieved so much, and yet it is not good enough - I've read your blogs. The goals we have set are possibly impossible to achieve.

So is there an answer? I have been struggling with 5 kilos for over 6 months and all I've managed to do is stay the same. If I let go of the trigger will my weight gradually creep higher and higher until I'm back in the 70's or 80's?

Sorry folks, but today being thin(ish) sucks!! As I've said before, it's OK to be a fat chick/large woman/voluptuous -- whatever you want to call it -- but it's not OK to be fat then thin then fat again -- well not for me anyway. The only comfort I have is that I am still small -- I can't let that slip away!

Searching for inspiration on the internet sometimes results in gems of wisdom. I stumbled upon this post by Tree Hugger tonight that struck a chord with me.

There is no conscious eating without conscious living.

I have been doing a lot of yoga lately and really enjoy the time I spend consciously present in my body without the interference of my mind. I think I know the beginnings of conscious living and being in the moment. At those times, I inhabit my body as a temple, as a container for my spirit, as a wonderful complex vehicle for my existence. I need to feel like that about my body all the time. Then I will honour it with healthy food and consistent exercise.

This week I have been doing yoga first thing every morning along with my two classes at work. I am going to try to focus more on how my body feels rather than intellectualising about what I should and shouldn't be doing. I am going to try not recording my calories and carbs every day and go with the flow. It sounds like a recipe for disaster I know -- especially with my aforementioned perfectionism -- but I'm going to give it a go.

At best I will find a sense of happiness and contentment that has been missing, at worst I will have a brief respite from the raging battle.


  1. I could have written this post. I should probably email you since the things I want to say are not 'comment' material I want the world to see. Will try and do later this evening if I get home in time!!!

  2. Wow, daring stuff, you not counting your calories or carbs... hope you can do it!!!

  3. I agree with Josie - you've been reading minds.

    I struggle with this every day as well. And you're right - it's the whole "dieting" mentality.

    I feel bad if I don't exercise and struggle to do so - even though before it used to be so easy. I used to get up every morning and race to the gym - now, I press snooze and go back to bed and try to exercise at night.

    I think about food constantly - what I have eaten, what I haven't, what I need to, when I'm going to.

    I set goals as well - and don't get to them, sometimes even going a little backwards in the process.

    We DO concentrate too much on all these things, rather than just living normally and being relaxed. I think doing my PT course has really focussed me on nutrition / health / fitness too much for the last year and a half - and everyone needs to decontructe once in a while.

    You'll do fantastically without thinking about it - just live should be a the ultimate goal.

  4. Katie you can do it. I haven't counted for years now and I haven't rebounded. Your body really is trying to tell you something.

    Womens bodies just aren't happy at low body fat levels. A lot of the skinny women you see that look great (other then fitness/figure models etc) have a decent amount of bodyfat still on them. When you see pictures of fitness/figure models (you know the ones with muscles) they usually diet strictly just before the shoot as well as do tricks regarding their water balance to look so perfect. The ones that compete, when they diet they go through absolute hell to get there.

    We are just not meant to look as 'cut' as men are, the ones who do and feel just fine have good genetics.

  5. Anonymous5:12 pm

    Hey Katie... this post rings true to me too.... but one thing I will say is that I am happy with my body now that I am thinner... I think that I was blissfully ignorant of the damage that I was doing by being so overweight which is why I didnt have the guilt that I do now... I love being slimmer and the reason that I feel bad for being "bad" is that I know what it feels like now to have a good body and would hate to go back to being fat but this time knowing what it feels like to be thin.... does that make sense???? And I feel the guilts too when I dont exercise but I think it is important to be kind to ourselves... no-one is perfect....
    Sue xxxxx

  6. Hi there,
    I really love your blog, so much that I put a link to it on my blog! I hope that's ok, if not I'll take it down.