I realised this morning that it is just over one year since I started posting regularly on my blog. I remembered because the City to Surf is tomorrow and I did it last year (this year I am too much of a fat slob to bother). It was 2 August that I began recording my thoughts on the internet.
Whenever you encounter a significant date, you look back on what you have achieved in the last year.
Well it is not pretty folks - I am officially 4 kilos heavier than I was a year ago.
Not good is an understatement - I would say - TOTALLY FUCKED!
What to do? God knows ... it seems that nothing works for me anymore. I have only been having 2 meals a day for a month now and yet the blubber remains. Sure there have been episodes of bingery but I have been doing the right thing for more often than not.
As all good over goal weight backsliders are want to do, I have a list of excuses
- its perimenopause
- my metabolism is fucked
- my stress levels are too high
- I'm eating too little (ha!)
- I'm eating too much fat/protein/carbs/air/water/earth/wind/fire ...
Bollocks - who cares! They are all just excuses. The fact of the matter is I am too god damned lazy to put in the work the be lean and hard. I won't give up the Diet Coke/artificial sweetener/low carb icecream/chocolate and lashings of butter because I love them all. I love them more than being angular and flat.
I am obsessed by eating - it makes me feel good. I crave the physical and emotional high I get from eating the food I want. It's not about giving up the rubbish - a big Mac doesn't even tempt me anymore - it's about giving up the way that I eat now.
So what to do?
I suspect that I should eat "clean" (God I hate that word), track my calories and macros, do some cardio, lower my fat intake and maybe give up the diary.
Am I going to do it?
My breakfast was 2 eggs, 1 tablespoon of cottage cheese, ham, swiss cheese, and fake maple syrup washed down with a sugar free "V".
So ... high fat, heaps of dairy, caffeine and artificial sweetener. I am no poster child for any official diet plan - not Atkins, not WW, not Southbeach, not nothing. I have broken at least one rule of all of them.
Not a good start one might say.
In the old days I could lose these 4 kilos in 4 weeks. These days, not a chance. I don't know how to lose any weight anymore.
So I will just wallow in my misery until it overtakes my desire to eat what I want to.
I will find another excuse not to jump on the treadmill - after all I have a cold and my breasts hurt too much to run.
And I will be as FAT as I damn well please. Not happy, but FAT nonetheless.