Before and After and back to Before

What happens when you don't look like your "after" photo anymore?

I have been contemplating this since the whole Kimmergate. If you don't know what I am talking about I'll give you my potted synopsis
- Some lady who calls herself Kimmer lost a lot of weight by modifying the Atkins low carb plan
- This plan is called Kimkins and focuses on low calorie, low carb, low fat eating
- To access this plan you can trawl the internet and/or subscribe to her program and forum
- Many famous low carb bloggers have followed and endorsed this plan which results in rapid weight loss
- Some of the advice on the Kimkins site has been controversial
- Kimmer herself has kept her identity secret by refusing to do interviews in public

In recent times there have been photos published on the internet allegedly of the real Kimmer who is obviously morbidly obese. She looks like her "before" photo.

The purpose of this post is not to determine if the real Kimmer is fat or thin, genuine or a fraud, good or evil. It is to consider how it feels to look more like the "before" than the "after".

If the photos are true, if Kimmer has been to slim and back, how must she feel?

I myself no longer look like my after photo. My ribs are no longer clearly visible, my breast are larger and my hip bones don't protrude. I am no longer angular - I have curves. Although it pains me to acknowledge this, I think I might actually look better carrying a bit more weight. I am thinking that wanting to be angular and pointy is probably not a healthy goal. And I certainly FEEL a hell of a lot better, even if I am not completely convinced I look better. And just so you don't feel sorry for me too much - I've gone from a AUS size 8 to an AUS size 10 so at 5'4 and 42 years old I am hardly blubbery even though my scale weight barely scrapes into normal BMI (65kg).

I was watching the recent athletic championships on SBS and admiring the athletes bodies. My husband walked into the room, looked at the telly and proclaimed "oh god, those women look like boys". He may just be right - it scared me because I suddenly realised my ideal body shape, my goal was to look like a boy.

If I had a sexy psychiatrist like other bloggers I know, I should probably have an intense discussion about issues with my sexuality. If I am fat, I am not so sexually attractive and if I am thin enough, I will achieve exactly the same outcome. Ouch!

Back to the original thought though, I feel extremely sad for people who have lost weight and gained all of it back again. I know how some part of me feels like a failure for not staying under 60kgs for any length of time, that I must have no will power, no self respect, not enough drive or commitment to be a real success. Now if I made my living by helping other people lose weight, how much greater would that shame and sense of failure be, especially if I ended right back (or larger than) where I started.

So no matter what the truth is, not matter what her actions have been, if Kimmer is one of those people who, for whatever reason, has gained back all the weight she has lost, she deserves the sympathy of the weight struggling sisterhood. I, for one, wouldn't wish that upon anyone.