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Monday, 18 August 2008

Leverage Letter

Yesterday's food : You have used 1396 out of your net daily budget of 1500 calories and have 104 calories remaining. 29% of the calories are from fat, 29% from protein, 41% from carbs
Exercise : RPM + 10 min run

Dear Cyberfriends

You have been a wonderful support network for me as I have gone through the ups and downs of weight loss. In particular you helped me reach my goal of competing in a figure competition.

Today, I need to confess that things have really got out of hand. Instead of being proud of the way I behave around food, I am more and more ashamed. My overeating and junk food intake is quickly becoming a new habit that disgusts me.

It is time for this to stop once and for all. I know I have said that numerous times in the past 3 months, but the past is not the future. It is not OK for me to keep lowering my standards and to feel like sh*t about the way I look and feel most days.

If I continue this downward spiral of depression and eating to compensate, I will end up right back at 85kg or more. It might not be this week, or this month or this year, but one day soon I will wake up with the lethargy, heaviness and sadness that I lived with for 40 years. This thought frightens me, which is a good thing. I am facing up to the pain that will result from this destructive behaviour. But I have one chance to change the future, and that one chance in right now. This moment is the only time that counts, and I am going to use it to make certain that my future is bright and wonderful.

I am not a person who binges. I never have been, so this behaviour is not who I am really am. Each time I overeat, I not only poison my body, but I do lasting damage to my soul. I lose my integrity, and destroy my self esteem. This is not what I chose for my life.

The lies and excuses end here today. I am facing up to the truth that no-one is coming to rescue me, I have to do it myself. It is no longer "not that bad", I cannot fool myself that because I am not overweight by other peoples standards means I am still in good shape. I am not attaining the standard I have set for myself.

This is now important and urgent. I cannot afford to continue like this for one more day. The reasons I have to be lean and vital are stronger and more compelling than the reasons I use to excuse putting vast amounts of non nutritious garbage into my mouth. The pain of not doing anything far outweighs the pain of not having food treats.

I am asking you to be part of my leverage. I am publicly committing to turning this around from today. From this moment forward I will care for and love my body, be proud of who I am, and live with honesty and integrity. I ask for accountability, for tough love, and for the support you have all shown me through every high and low I have been through. I commit to checking in every day with my food and exercise log and my emotional and mental progress. One day in the future I may be able to stop logging everything but for now, it is my part of my plan. I must keep an account of every single thing that goes in my mouth - no more blank days in Calorie King.

This is not a 12 week challenge, this is not a "slim down for summer" strategy, this is for life. I will become a person who doesn't need will power to turn down rocky road and cheese cake, it won't even be a choice because that is not who I am.

I am on holidays for the next two weeks so I am going to concentrate on just me. During this time I will create such a momentum for change that things will get better and better every day and continue to do so when I go back to work.

I am certain of these things

  1. I've reached the threshold - I must stop the behaviour now
  2. I must do it - I take full responsibility for my behaviour
  3. I can do it, I will do it
  4. The past does not equal the future - it is different now
  5. I am prepared, I have a powerful strategy
  6. Becoming lean is not a problem, it is a challenge
  7. I realise I am not my behaviour
  8. I concentrate my power on my challenges - on one outcome
  9. I have realistic goals
  10. I am going to enjoy the process of becoming lean - it too important to be treated seriously

Today I got out of bed at 6-00am to do a RPM class at 7-00am even though it is my holidays and I could have quite easily stayed in bed. At the end of class I ran on the treadmill for an additional 10 minutes. Breakfast is next and then I am going back to the gym for a Core class at 11-30am and then some time in the sauna and tanning bed. The fight has begun!

9 comments:

  1. This is coming from someone who has been in EXACTLY the same place.... I too said many times I would not continue down this road , but then kept finding myself there, did the self talk of it really is not that bad, and experienced similar feelings to what you are describing........ believe in your inner strength and that strength needs to only focus on one day at a time. Looking too far ahead constantly sent me off the rails as it looked "too hard" - you will succeed and we will be there to support you on your journey.
    Maryanne xxx

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  2. Anonymous12:03 pm

    You are more of an inspiration to me than I could ever be to you and you are closer to your goals than you realize.

    CJ

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  3. Katie
    This post made me cry. I could feel your sadness coming through. I too had this problem after last years comp (my 1st one) and rebounded from 51kg up to 76kg, I was extremely sad and thought I was on my way right up to 100kg again.
    I am still recovering from the mental bits and bobs, old habits and beliefs still haunt me but I too refuse to lay down and let it happen again after this years comp.
    You have done a great thing by making it public, you can not only gain support but you are making yourself accountable, which at the moment may be a good thing for you, one day soon it will be back to the norm where you will be doing it without thinking because thats your life.

    Bring a new fight to the table everyday and you will make it.
    SHar x

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  4. Right there with ya babe!

    Luv Shelley

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  5. Good for you, Katie - no more denial, no more putting things off. You can do it.

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  6. Leeanne8:17 pm

    You are my inspiration, I read your blog daily, I really feel a connection to you, as what you say is 100% how I am thinking. We can do it and you have made the right desision to make it public, we can all help each other. Just don't be to hard on yourself, your human after all !!

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  7. Katie, have you considered that you may not be eating enough good clean food, so end up filling up on junk instead?

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  8. Katie,
    it makes me sad to see you unhappy with yourself and reminds me of when I've been in a similar place. I kept making a resolution to FIGHT and the fight was exhausting. So I stopped fighting.... My screen saver reminds me everyday to 'focus not fight'. Focus on the momement and what I'm feeling NOW, what I'm doing NOW and how I want to feel NOW.
    Also, reading your post I had the overwhelming sense to recommend you get a book called 'the artist's way' by Julie Cameron. It's nothing to do with diet or exercise but is great for realising dreams and being a happier more creative person.

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