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Wednesday, 5 November 2008

Too Fat to Go to the Gym?

I wake in the morning and lie on my back staring at the ceiling. I put my hand on my belly. It is round and protruding, even while lying on my back.

I pull on my gym clothes and need to change my leggings because they are too tight and my belly and hip fat spills over the top. I find a pair of track pants and a loose singlet that hides the fat.

Once I am at the gym I try not to look in the mirror but catch unexpected glimpses of myself. My underarms sag when I do shoulder presses, my stomach sticks out when I do crunches and my breasts seem to get in the way.

On the treadmill, I notice that my thighs rub together and my backside wobbles with every stride.

Later, as I get in the shower, I look at my bloated rounded body. I can no longer see my hip bones, or a space between my thighs.

As I dress, my choice of clothes diminishes daily. I have long since abandoned my fitted T shirts for looser tops that cover the extra padding around my hips and mid section.

Waves of depression wash over me at various times during the day as I feel the changes in my body. Sometimes I wish that I had never dieted down to 54 kgs. In hindsight, I should have been happy at 60kgs and the routines I had in place to stay there. Getting really lean hasn’t helped me stay leaner, it has actually made things (in my head) worse.

But this is not a post of doom and despair. It is a post of hope. I have come to realise that I cannot unlearn 3 years of healthy thinking and behaviour in 6 short months.

Although I cannot explain how I know how to ride a bike, I know how. I don’t analyse it, or plan it or write it out, I have faith in my ability to ride and get on with it.

I know how to eat healthy with appropriate control, and how much fat my body prefers. I am not going to over think the process. I am going to relax and let my old (good) habits and instinct take over. The first step has been taken. I have cut back on all dry carbs (wheat, oats, rice) since Monday and am focusing on lean protein, non-starchy vegetables and diary. It is amazing how my hunger has completely subsided.

I am slipping back into my old ways, and it is a good thing.


  1. Good things come to those who wait and you have waited long enough.

    Reap the rewards Katie and live your dreams.

    Slow day at work?

  2. OMG! I could have written this exact post Katie. Thats the thing about our breed, we wont give up. Every night we go to bed and we tell ourselves, tommorrow is a new day.

    Its our turn now!

    Take care,

  3. Shelley - thanks babe. Not a slow day at work, sometimes posts just run around in my head and won't leave me alone until I write them down. I have discovered writing is very therapeutic.

    Tiarna - it is our turn now and we won't give up! That is what makes us winners. We won't fail until we stop trying.