I wake in the morning and lie on my back staring at the ceiling. I put my hand on my belly. It is round and protruding, even while lying on my back.
I pull on my gym clothes and need to change my leggings because they are too tight and my belly and hip fat spills over the top. I find a pair of track pants and a loose singlet that hides the fat.
Once I am at the gym I try not to look in the mirror but catch unexpected glimpses of myself. My underarms sag when I do shoulder presses, my stomach sticks out when I do crunches and my breasts seem to get in the way.
On the treadmill, I notice that my thighs rub together and my backside wobbles with every stride.
Later, as I get in the shower, I look at my bloated rounded body. I can no longer see my hip bones, or a space between my thighs.
As I dress, my choice of clothes diminishes daily. I have long since abandoned my fitted T shirts for looser tops that cover the extra padding around my hips and mid section.
Waves of depression wash over me at various times during the day as I feel the changes in my body. Sometimes I wish that I had never dieted down to 54 kgs. In hindsight, I should have been happy at 60kgs and the routines I had in place to stay there. Getting really lean hasn’t helped me stay leaner, it has actually made things (in my head) worse.
But this is not a post of doom and despair. It is a post of hope. I have come to realise that I cannot unlearn 3 years of healthy thinking and behaviour in 6 short months.
Although I cannot explain how I know how to ride a bike, I know how. I don’t analyse it, or plan it or write it out, I have faith in my ability to ride and get on with it.
I know how to eat healthy with appropriate control, and how much fat my body prefers. I am not going to over think the process. I am going to relax and let my old (good) habits and instinct take over. The first step has been taken. I have cut back on all dry carbs (wheat, oats, rice) since Monday and am focusing on lean protein, non-starchy vegetables and diary. It is amazing how my hunger has completely subsided.
I am slipping back into my old ways, and it is a good thing.