Running to Stand Still

There is some weird shit going on in my head. It started the moment that I decided I had achieved my best body ever, and that any further fat loss would not be necessary.

After years (and I do mean years) of planning all my nutrition and training choices around achieving a lower scale weight/BF%, I now find myself continuously thinking thoughts that are no longer applicable to my current situation.

This situation has been further intensified by being in an environment where free delicious gourmet food is offered to me at every turn, and my normal training routine has been compromised due to the gym where I'm staying not being open until 8-00am.

In my previous physical incarnation [translation = when I was fat (by my standards)] I was driven to turn down free catering and find alternate ways to train because I knew I had to behave this way in order to lose body fat. I knew that if I didn't stick to my plan, I would not see the scales go down and I would have to continue wearing my 'big' clothes.

Yesterday, when I got to the gym at 6-00am and it was dark and locked up, I decided to go for a run instead ... because I need to burn off the fat ... except that I don't.

When morning tea was tiny hot quiches and fruit danishes, I ate my protein bar instead ... because I need to be in calorie deficit ... except that I don't.

The realisation that I don't have to be in fat loss mode any longer keeps taking me by surprise.

Fortunately I have found the gardening metaphor to be a great help in this time of confusion. I remember that although I have spent a lot of sweat and tears making this beautiful garden look exactly how I imagined it could, I can't just stop putting in the work and expect everything to remain looking the way it does now.

Constant loving attention is my new mantra. I have to continue to water, weed, fertilise and sow in order to maintain what I have created. I cannot let my attention be distracted for even one day without there being detrimental effects.

If my flowers are thirsty and I forget to water them [decide to skip a training session], then making up for it tomorrow by watering them twice [doing twice as much training] is not constant loving attention. If I throw garbage into the garden [eating off plan food], then giving the plants more fertiliser on another day [eating super low calorie] is not constant loving attention.

My behaviour is now motivated by a desire to find equilibrium - the quest to determine the exact amount constant loving attention needed to support this high maintenance physical shape I have chosen. In some ways it is harder than fat loss. I feel like I'm running to stand still.