If I step outside of myself and view my behaviour from the perspective of someone who cares for me, it is obvious that things have been out of control for more than a few years. In my mind I have convinced myself that doing this stuff is completely normal.
Here is what my eating disorder looked like at rock bottom ...
- having food scales at home and in my handbag in case I eat out and don't know the weight of the food
- recording everything in a online calorie counter including the calories in diet soda and fish oil tablets
- feeling anxious and upset if I didn't have internet access to check my calorie totals
- pre-determining what to eat for the day and then printing it out and ticking it off so there was no deviation
- taking all my food with me all the time in multiple tupperware containers
- not allowing anyone a taste of my food because it is measured perfectly and I needed every bit of it
- scraping every last morsel out of the container or licking it clean
- restricting fruit and vegetables based on their carbohydrate content
- restricting food based on its sodium content
- scheduling activities around eating sessions - couldn't go to an event if it prevented me from eating on time
- eating was the main highlight of my day
- never eating the same food as my partner/friends
- the success of my day was measured by the food I ate - good day = ate according to the diet; bad day = ate something I hadn't planned
- food/cooking/meals was all I thought about and talked about
- never being full - either eating and still being hungry or bingeing beyond the point of fullness
- taking large amounts of expensive supplements ranging from vitamins to fatburners to creatine
- eating large quantities of 'calorie free' food like green vegetables, miracle noodles, psyllium/bran
- exercising until a precise number of calories had been burned
- exercising when I was sick, sore or instead of sleeping
- wearing my heart rate monitor when I went for a walk longer than 10 minutes
- constant physical muscle pain (DOMS) and joint pain making every day activity difficult
- spending all weekend in my gym clothes and sneakers because I never went out anywhere other than the gym and the supermarket
- chronic constipation and gas
- avoiding social situations where food was present
- constantly scouring the internet for the latest diet and latest training method
- calling myself a 'fat pig' in my head
- having 3 different clothing, bra and underwear sizes that I regularly wore - competing, off season, fat clothes
- weighing myself multiple times a day - when I first got up, after going to the bathroom, when I got home from work, before I went to bed
- throwing food in the bin so that I wouldn't eat it and then taking it out later
- asking my husband to hide food so I couldn't find it
- eating until I was so stuffed I couldn't sleep, I had night sweats and my face, fingers and ankles became severely swollen
- always vowing to start afresh each morning, each Monday, each first day of the month
- going to bed early because the only thing I had to look forward to was a lower number on the scales the following morning and breakfast
- crying because of a number on the scale or not being able to fit into my clothes
- avoiding being with my husband because he would want to eat food I couldn't have in front of me
- not being able to leave the house because I needed to be near the toilet when the laxatives and diuretics kicked in
- using colonics as a weight loss strategy
- looking at pictures of steriod using figure girls on stage and feeling inadequate for not looking like them
I would love to connect with anyone who recognises where I have come from and has achieved a transformational shift back to health and vitality. Please leave me a comment and/or a link to your blog so I can overhaul my reading list. I no longer want to know about the best diet, the menu item with the lowest calories or whether cardio is fat burning or not. I want to know that I can leave this mess behind because other people just like me have done it.
If this blog is no longer what you are looking for, then thank you so much for your loyalty over the years. I have felt part of a wonderful community but the time has come for me to focus on being whole and healthy rather than being thin enough to go the gym.
PS: I might have to abandon the 100 Day Challenge because it is part of the old diet mentality. I still haven't decided what to do just yet ...
I am also pulling my coaching service because I can no longer endorse dieting as a weight loss solution ...