Love the Seaweed

You were right my friends ~ this morning I got all brave and stood on the scales and was greeted with a +2kg gain (in a single week where I didn't feel like I did anything wrong). Every single ounce of confidence and certainty that I was doing great evaporated like a puff of smoke. I sent a desperate email to Dr R. without much hope of an answer as we were scheduled for a group conference call in 10 minutes time.

When I got on the line (after the call kicked me off the first time I tried which made me even more anxious) the first question she asked was "what is the gift of your weight loss struggle?" I had nothing. After she asked someone else I proceeded to sob and sobbed through the entire 1 hour call.

The topic of the call was eating with intent. She referenced the Dr Emoto water experiments Shelley blogged about earlier in the week. Dr R. proposed that we should take the same approach to our food and improve the structure of our food based on our intent. She asked that we imbue whatever we eat with love and reverence and welcome it into our bodies so it could use what we needed and release the rest effortlessly and easily.

I realised that I haven't really been at peace with food, I have been mostly ignoring it. I have continued to see food as the enemy and kept strict controls on what is acceptable and what is not. I have also been experiencing stomach cramps after eating which had further reinforced the notion that I had screwed myself up so much I couldn't even digest properly any more.

At the end of the call Dr R. asked what was going on because she had read my email during the call (how's that for multi tasking) and I couldn't even speak. I choked out something about being a failure at this as well as every other diet I've been on. Amongst other things she suggested that my body might be asking for too much food because it was unable to access the nutrients because of my stress around eating. She also said that my body might need more fat than I wanted right now but it wasn't necessarily for ever.

After the call I did some meditation for 15 mins and then a heart opening yoga sequence. I let all my thoughts go and cried some more. I got this image in my head of a bit of seaweed all dried, curled up and tangled on the rocks. Then I saw the waves splash over it making it soft and pliable until all the strands untangled through the motion of the water. The seaweed didn't try to untangle itself, it just let the water do the work. My tears were making my crazy thoughts and confused feelings soft and pliable and gently untangling them. I then emailed Dr R and got back a beautiful email which read :

Love blubbery.
Love the seaweed metaphor.
Love the courage.

Love you.

The thing is that just when you think you've got things sorted you get bitch slapped up side the head. It is like now you've mastered one bit, it's time to get on with the next bit that needs healing.

So what is the gift from today's struggle
~ I opened up emotionally in a public forum - in the past I wouldn't have even dialled in for the call, and if I had I would have pretended nothing was wrong
~ I didn't binge or restrict - my coping mechanism was yoga and reaching out for help
~ I felt a sense of relief and cleansing after my crying - I figure that I was probably holding in 2kg worth of tears LOL
~ I got over myself within a few hours rather than days
~ I identified an issue that I didn't know how to resolve (self esteem gained through accomplishment) and simply let it go - I have carried it around too long and I'm finally so sick of it I'm ditching it permanently.

So my weight went up on the scales, I added my interpretation of what that fact meant, and then I reacted emotionally to that story. All created by me. So I am choosing to to change the story and the reaction.

My new intention is to eat with love, gratitude and reverence by making each meal a ritual (candle, blessing, seated at the table), to leave food on my plate and to go back to journaling my hunger which I started yesterday on Twitter (you can follow me here or look in the sidebar). It will help me be present with my food.

This is a rough ride, but I refuse to give up.

Taking the First Step

So Katie, I'm sick of all this dieting, punishing myself in the gym, feeling like a failure all the time, and so consumed with how I look that I am missing out on my family, my friends and my life. You say the only way to have the body and the life of my dreams is simply taking great care of myself ... but where do I start?

The very first step on this amazing journey is to recognise that whatever you are doing now isn't working. It hasn't worked for you even though you've given it your very best shot. You've set goals, you've been motivated, you've put in the hard work, you wanted it more than anything in your life, and yet you end up falling in a heap over and over again.

You have been strong and committed to the traditional principals of weight loss for a long, long time and yet you still have to push yourself to get to the gym and the smell of hot chips or freshly baked bread makes you weak at the knees. Instead of it getting easier, it feels like it's getting harder.

Consider your daily thoughts and actions and ask yourself if you would wish this life on your best girlfriend or on your daughter. If you could swap yesterday with someone you loved, would you be giving them a gift or a day of misery? If you wouldn't want someone you care for to have to walk in your shoes for one day, then you are not taking great care of yourself.

If you want, more than anything else, for the torture to end then you are ready to change. You have to want it more than being lean, more than a number on the scale and more than feeling in control. You have to hold on to the belief that there is another way, and it will work if you give it a chance.

Then, the next time you are hungry, decide what you would like to eat, add up the calories, fat grams and carbs in your head (because you will) and then say the magic words "Fuck It" and eat it anyway. Then refuse to feel guilty -- repeat to yourself : even though I feel like I've been bad/weak/indulgent/undisciplined I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Tomorrow morning when you walk in the door of the gym with your pre-planned training schedule, say the magic words "Fuck this Shit" and go play on a piece of equipment while you read a trashy magazine, get a massage, or go for a slow walk while listening to your breath and the sounds of nature. Then refuse to feel guilty -- repeat to yourself : even though I feel like I've been bad/lazy/weak/undisciplined I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

It will feel like you have given up, that you have no discipline, that you will get fatter and fatter by the minute, but you won't. You have great habits and your body knows that good food and an active lifestyle makes you feel amazing. You have taught it well and it will not let you down.

It may be uncomfortable to take away all the rules and follow your instincts and sometimes things will seem to get worse before they get better [I binged more frequently at the beginning but my binges were less intense and didn't last as long], but I can guarantee that just when it seems like you're doing everything wrong you will find your miracle.

One day the emptiness inside will disappear, food will just be food, you'll pass on the chips because you honestly don't feel like them, and you will move your body because it makes you happier than sitting still.

And best of all, you will have all this extra time on your hands and space in your head to play with your kids, write a book, paint, sing, hug the cat, and marvel at the miracle of being alive and aware of your blessings. You will be happy, you will be at peace and the beauty you feel inside will manifest itself in your best body ever.

A New Paradigm - Self Care, Here and Now

Paradigm :

A set of assumptions, concepts, values, and practices that constitutes a way of viewing reality for the community that shares them.

For me, there are now so many things wrong with the concept of a 100 Day Challenge and counting the days. What I am counting down to? Is my life really a challenge? Is this fixation on time and numbers of benefit?

A New Paradigm

I choose to take great care of myself in this moment right here, right now. I observe my thoughts and replace the negative with the positive. I listen to my body and eat food that gives me the most pleasure over the longest time. I move with joy and ease. I do what makes me happy and alive every moment of every day.

There is no time, there is no tomorrow, my life is not a giant countdown clock to the next event, I choose to be happy right now.

Achieving a fit, lean, healthy body is not the measure of success but the by-product of living a life of nurturing self care and self love.

Join the revolution - if you believe that true happiness in found in the alignment of body, mind and spirit [or head, heart and health] then shift your focus from achieving the perfect body to living an authentic life of joy, peace, love and laughter.

After all, that is the goal of the goal right? You want to be lean, fit and healthy so you can increase the joy in your life. Why wait for a number - a day, a date, a scale reading, a BF %, a dress size - dive right in to happiness today by feeling comfortable and at ease with who you are on the inside.

Let's shake up this community where we fixate on how much we weigh, how many calories we ate and how much we burned in the gym and make celebrating our continuous improvement and learning from our mistakes the cornerstone of our evolution. Let's transform our assumptions, concepts, values and practices.

When we change our thinking, our beliefs, and our identity and connect with God/the universe/our collective energy, then today is an incredible gift and our future is beyond our imagination.

Oh how this thrills my heart ...

What do I want? I want the joy, the sass, the bliss that comes with knowing I'm living my life EXACTLY the way I want to, and EXACTLY the way God intended. Having a buff, sexy body will be a sweet bonus. Not the end goal, just a symptom of living a healthy, happy life.

I'm holding on for my miracle. I'm not going anywhere till I get it and when I get it, I'm never letting go. ♥ Liimu

A Confession : I Have an Eating Disorder

Ever since I read the painfully honest posts by Raechelle and Liz admitting to their inner demons, I have been wanting to tell you this secret. The cold hard fact is that what started out as wanting to 'drop a few kilos' has turned into a raging, all consuming, self inflicted eating disorder and pretending my behaviour is 'healthy' living or 'contest prep' is simply lying to myself and to everyone else.

If I step outside of myself and view my behaviour from the perspective of someone who cares for me, it is obvious that things have been out of control for more than a few years. In my mind I have convinced myself that doing this stuff is completely normal.

Here is what my eating disorder looked like at rock bottom ...

• weighing all food (including egg whites, lettuce and diet cordial) and adjusting portions to be exactly the right amount (that extra gram of pumpkin had to go back in the container)
• having food scales at home and in my handbag in case I eat out and don't know the weight of the food
• recording everything in a online calorie counter including the calories in diet soda and fish oil tablets
• feeling anxious and upset if I didn't have internet access to check my calorie totals
• pre-determining what to eat for the day and then printing it out and ticking it off so there was no deviation
• taking all my food with me all the time in multiple tupperware containers
• not allowing anyone a taste of my food because it is measured perfectly and I needed every bit of it
• scraping every last morsel out of the container or licking it clean
• restricting fruit and vegetables based on their carbohydrate content
• restricting food based on its sodium content
• scheduling activities around eating sessions - couldn't go to an event if it prevented me from eating on time
• eating was the main highlight of my day
• never eating the same food as my partner/friends
• the success of my day was measured by the food I ate - good day = ate according to the diet; bad day = ate something I hadn't planned 
• food/cooking/meals was all I thought about and talked about
• never being full - either eating and still being hungry or bingeing beyond the point of fullness
• taking large amounts of expensive supplements ranging from vitamins to fatburners to creatine
• eating large quantities of 'calorie free' food like green vegetables, miracle noodles, psyllium/bran
• exercising until a precise number of calories had been burned
• exercising when I was sick, sore or instead of sleeping
• wearing my heart rate monitor when I went for a walk longer than 10 minutes
• constant physical muscle pain (DOMS) and joint pain making every day activity difficult
• spending all weekend in my gym clothes and sneakers because I never went out anywhere other than the gym and the supermarket
• chronic constipation and gas
• avoiding social situations where food was present
• constantly scouring the internet for the latest diet and latest training method
• calling myself a 'fat pig' in my head
• having 3 different clothing, bra and underwear sizes that I regularly wore - competing, off season, fat clothes
• weighing myself multiple times a day - when I first got up, after going to the bathroom, when I got home from work, before I went to bed
• throwing food in the bin so that I wouldn't eat it and then taking it out later
• asking my husband to hide food so I couldn't find it
• eating until I was so stuffed I couldn't sleep, I had night sweats and my face, fingers and ankles became severely swollen
• always vowing to start afresh each morning, each Monday, each first day of the month
• going to bed early because the only thing I had to look forward to was a lower number on the scales the following morning and breakfast
• crying because of a number on the scale or not being able to fit into my clothes
• avoiding being with my husband because he would want to eat food I couldn't have in front of me
• not being able to leave the house because I needed to be near the toilet when the laxatives and diuretics kicked in
• using colonics as a weight loss strategy
• looking at pictures of steriod using figure girls on stage and feeling inadequate for not looking like them

I am pleased to say that I haven't done any of the above for most of the last month. I am getting help and support from people who understand where I've ended up and I'm making wonderful progress.

So although I may longer be the person you imagined me to be, that my reputation as an 'inspiration' has been has been based on lies, I am the happiest I have been in my whole life. I am recovering, healing, and evolving into the best that I can be one day at a time.

I would love to connect with anyone who recognises where I have come from and has achieved a transformational shift back to health and vitality. Please leave me a comment and/or a link to your blog so I can overhaul my reading list. I no longer want to know about the best diet, the menu item with the lowest calories or whether cardio is fat burning or not. I want to know that I can leave this mess behind because other people just like me have done it.

If this blog is no longer what you are looking for, then thank you so much for your loyalty over the years. I have felt part of a wonderful community but the time has come for me to focus on being whole and healthy rather than being thin enough to go the gym.

KatieP ♥

PS: I might have to abandon the 100 Day Challenge because it is part of the old diet mentality. I still haven't decided what to do just yet ...
I am also pulling my coaching service because I can no longer endorse dieting as a weight loss solution ...

How Do You Know If You've Failed?

We have these sets of personal rules and regulations that are so restrictive and unreasonable that it is no wonder we continually convince ourselves that we have 'failed'. We would never expect our friends or our partner to live up to the same standards.

Being on this Challenge has made me ponder the definition of failure.

Consider these examples where I could have decided I had failed to reach yesterday's goals.

I didn't train yesterday morning because I have an infected wisdom tooth and DOMS - No failure because the circumstances were beyond my control.

I didn't get to 7 hours sleep because I was writing, blogging and getting support from blogworld - no failure because I traded one goal for a better one.

I didn't drink more water than Diet Coke - no failure because I don't really value this goal - so I ditched it permanently.

The only time you fail is when you momentarily give up the fight. When you think "I don't care, it doesn't matter, what's the point, I can't be arsed, I'm sick of this" and you purposely don't do what you know you should. This happens to everyone at some point (which is why you should plan to fail) but afterward you look at what happened, learn a lesson and move on.

Don't beat yourself up if circumstances get in the way, if you find something that is better for you than what you planned or your priorities change.

The truth is that the most valuable thing you learn when you commit to a challenge is how to pay attention. Mindfulness and self awareness is what you are really growing and developing - thinking about what you do and why you do it.

It is not about winning or losing, succeeding or failing, or how many ticks there are on your goal chart. It is about deciding how you want to live and then trying your hardest to be that person.

Guidelines for losing a skinny bone on the challenge.

♥Signup for the 100 Day Challenge
♥100 Day Challenge Blog

Help I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up

The trouble with staying lean is that it is as boring as f*ck.

Nearly every day since May, I have been waking up to the audible hunger signals from my stomach, sitting in front of Blogger and coming up with ... zip. I didn't have any interesting after binge symptoms to tell you about (like when your eyes are so puffy you look like you've been crying for a week) nor could I tell you about my latest victory on the scale (because that 0.1kg loss is so absolutely riveting!).

So in the interests of resuming normal transmissions, I have unintentionally sat on my arse all week and accidentally stuffed pizza and corn chips down my throat nearly every night.

My brain has been totally absorbed in discovering how to be an online millionaire, and I have been writing like a madwoman instead of getting enough sleep. I am so absorbed in my harebrained scheme that I would rather keep plotting and planning than go to the gym. It appears that if you take your eye off the ball (would that be a Fit Ball?) for more than a few seconds, you end up in a wee bit of trouble.

So yes - I've fallen in a hole and I can't get up because at the moment I don't mind it down here. I am having a bit of a rest.

When you've been around the whole fat loss thing for as long as I have, you expect times like these at some point. It is a bit like a marriage. Sometimes you can't keep your hands off each other and at other times you wish you could push him in the harbour and live alone with your cat. It is just the cycle of relationships.

Enthusiasm comes and goes. Perfectionism is impossible. And most importantly -- it is just a bit of fat for f*ck's sake. It's fixable ... I'll get on to that ... just as soon as I finish writing this post.

A Present from Mr Katie

A wee pirate figure with this symbol on his shirt

The note read

"I love you skinny bones"

Home from the Holidays

I have just spent a wonderful week in Palm Cove, Far North Queensland with the gorgeous Shelley. We laughed, cried, relaxed, plotted and planned, tanned, trained and ate.

I ate out a lot more than I intended to so you could safely say that I was 'off plan' three days out of six.

I can't say that I am particularly worried about my nutrition decisions because I realise that enjoying restaurants/takeaway food and a few drinks with a friend is part of what holidays are all about. Heaven knows that it has been years since I had a 'diet break' so it was probably well overdue.

I have come to the conclusion that our thought processes directly influence our bodies. Even though I have broken my rigid set of eating rules, I am choosing not to entertain thoughts of guilt, self loathing or regret.

Strangely, I have had no carb hangovers, no major fluid retention and no desire to under eat or over train to compensate. I think that my relaxed attitude has allowed my body to get on with the digestive process in a much more efficient manner than when I am filled with stress.

Of course I am a little softer than I was when I left home last week, but a few days of clean living will sort that out.

Shame, self hate, guilt and regret instigate destructive behaviour rather than positive actions. Kind thoughts about yourself result in treating yourself with kindness and self love - getting straight back on plan.

My Quest to Stay Lean

I have managed to remain at a weight I am happy with for the past 13 weeks. I have survived 8 whole weeks post comp without succumbing to the post comp eating blues. This is wonderful progress.

I have always been confused as to why the way I look is so important to me. All the books and websites tell me that an obsession with my physical appearance is symptomatic of a need for approval from other people. But I honestly pay little attention to the opinions of strangers, acquaintances and colleagues and those people I do care about have loved me fat and thin and somewhere in between.

I am now contemplating an alternative theory that suggests my quest for an amazing physique is a strategy to keep other people at a distance. By achieving and maintaining the perfect body, I am demonstrating that I already have everything I need so no help is required. I am fortifying the thick stone walls I have built between myself and the world.

I am reminded that my trust and abandonment issues (I am adopted blah blah blah) have made independence my most fundamental core value and my obsession with training and nutrition is simply an extension of that value system.

I am the product of my history and who I am is the best I can be at this moment. Being introverted and naturally solitary is neither good nor bad, it is just how I am. I don't need to work out how to 'fix' it.

I am just happy to have discovered another piece of the KatieP puzzle.

Am I a NOUN or a VERB?

I am an athlete

I am strong

I am a size 8

I am an inspiration (?)

All of these statements describe who I am or who I want to be. They are also NOUNS - words that name a person, place, thing or idea. They are labels that mean different things to different people.

I am no longer defining myself by a label. I am re-framing the way I see myself in terms of action. I am replacing NOUNS with VERBS - words that express existence, action or occurrence.

I lift weights, run and move a lot.

I lift heavy things in the gym and in daily life. I conquer physical, mental and emotional challenges.

I follow a nutrition plan that is built around monitoring calories, whole foods, and the right mix of protein, carbohydrates and fat.

I live authentically and honestly and openly share my unique life experience with others.

Now I have performance goals rather than outcome goals. The best thing about performance goals is that are completely under my control. I can choose to show up, commit, improve, enjoy and master my actions and no person or circumstance can stop me.

Think about how you see yourself. Do you have I am statements? Try replacing them with I do statements instead. If you get stuck try adding because I ...

I am a figure competitor because I ...
I am fantastic because I ...
I am maintaining my weight loss because I ...

Ladies and Gents - give me your VERBS.

Walking Away From the Abuse

I am a strong and independent woman and yet I am stuck in an abusive relationship.

There is someone in my life who treats me badly. He doesn't care about my thoughts or feelings and derives enormous pleasure from criticising me.

It doesn't matter if I am lighter or heavier than yesterday, in his eyes, neither is a positive result. When I encounter him, I am never left with a feeling of pride or accomplishment.

If I am heavier than yesterday, then I am fat. He tells me that staying lean is something I will never accomplish because I am too lazy, too weak willed and genetically destined to be overweight. My reasons for gaining sound like excuses - too much sodium, hormones or muscle soreness don't sway his opinion - I am just getting fat. When I listen to him I end up restricting my calories and training until I drop.

If I am lighter than yesterday then I am not 'normal'. He tells me that I am too small, too bony, I am losing muscle and that I should go and eat. I usually take his advice and end up in a disgusting overfed carb coma.

So today I am walking away once and for all. My interaction with him will be severely curtailed. He is no longer getting free trips away from home, his place on the bathroom floor will be empty and his photo will only appear occasionally on this blog.

I do not care what he says, and his number will no long be a scorecard for my worth. I know I have tried to break off with him before and failed miserably, but I now realise that he has nothing of value to add to my life.

Mr Scale - I no longer need you - I am so much more than a number.

Not Waving, Drowning

I am an expert in fat loss. I know how to burn calories through hard lifting and cardio. I am experienced in the pros and cons of low carb. I am skilled in being in a deficit. This is my comfort zone.

I do not know how to stay at a stable weight. It is a foreign, uncharted world where all the rules have to be re-written. It frightens me because I have lost my confidence.

There is a simple and stupid way to find my way back to safe and familiar territory. I eat. I eat without rules, without common sense and without restraint. By knowingly behaving irresponsibly, I can put myself in a position where fat loss is necessary again.

It makes no sense ... and yet it makes perfect sense.

Today I start a new plan. A fat loss plan that gives me rules, numbers and a schedule. In a bizarre way, it is a relief to know that I can get back on the boat, instead of treading water in the cold unpredictable sea.

The Board Meeting - How to Negotiate a Happy Outcome

There is a Board Meeting in my head. The members of the Board are all respected, long standing members of my psyche and they all have legitimate agendas. And mostly they don't agree.

Frank Fit was born to run. He loves it when my breathing is laboured and sweat runs down my back. He lives in my heart and wants it to be fit and healthy.

Sam Strong was born to lift heavy things. He loves it when there is lactic acid coursing through my body and the feeling of delayed onset muscle soreness. Sam lives in my muscles and wants me to be strong and powerful.

Eva Energy was born to move. She loves it when I eat complex carbohydrates like fresh vegetables, legumes and whole grains. Eva lives in my stomach and wants me to eat so I have plenty of energy.

Robbie Rest was born to relax and rest. He loves it when I sleep or have a massage. He lives in my nervous system and wants me to be calm and at peace.

Lilly Love was born to be a princess. She loves it when I like what I see in the mirror and when I walk with confidence and pride. She lives in my self esteem and wants me to feel beautiful.

Penelope Pleasure was born to enjoy the good things in life. She loves chocolate, ice-cream, donuts and sticky date pudding. Penelope lives in my mouth and wants me to experience the richness of life's pleasure.

Percy Planner was born to be in charge. He loves plans, order, counting and discipline. Percy lives in my will power and wants me to be in control of everything.

Fanny Freedom was born to be spontaneous. She loves breakfast in bed, late night takeaways and horizontal training (*wink*). She lives in my imagination and want me to be alive.

::

Every one of these people has a legitimate need that should be fulfilled, but I can't please everyone. How do I negotiate a happy compromise?

Actually - I have no idea now that I have spent my time identifying all these buggers!

What is important is that I recognise that while there are conflicting ideals and disagreements, everyone has my best interests at heart, and no-one is trying to sabotage me. I can listen to some people more often than others, but ignoring someone for long periods of time will cause more harm than good and may result in tantrums and chair throwing.

As Chairman of the Board, my job is to find a compromise reached through ebb and flow, swings and roundabouts, peaks and valleys, wax and wane. Tough job - but I'm up for it.

The Stigma of Thin

When I look in the mirror I see a very lean person. I am not competing and yet I am only 1 kilo heavier than my on stage weight (which wasn't lean compared to other competitors but extremely lean compared to the general population). I can still see the muscles in my arms, stomach and back, my breast bones are visible and so are my hip bones.

Sometimes my reflection initiates a dialogue in my head that is quite disturbing. It is along the lines that I must have a severely distorted body image if I think I look good, when in actual fact, I am chronically underweight. And the fact that I am finding it less difficult than I thought to maintain this size, must mean that I am developing an eating disorder - the "A" word.

When I deconstruct these thoughts I am surprised, as a fiercely independent person, that they are focused on how others see me. I worry that others look at me and think I am sick. Actually, it is not that I care if they think I look (a) unattractive or (b) not well, I care that they think that I need 'help'. Appearing vulnerable or needy is not my intention.

It is strange that it is perfectly acceptable to be overweight or obese and people assume (rightly or wrongly) that the only issue is that I am eating too much food. There is nothing deeper or darker than too many burgers. But the same attitude is not applied if I am thin. They don't assume that I've lost weight on purpose the simple old fashioned way and now I am eating the right amount of food matched to my energy expenditure. It is not simply that I'm not eating enough burgers, I am thin because I have psychological problems.

In a world where I am now a minority, I sometimes feel like a peculiar freak show. I guess I wouldn't care if I had always been this size, but the extremes make me more sensitive. I have to keep reminding myself that I only have to love and nurture myself, and the rest of the world can go and get fucked!