Love the Seaweed

You were right my friends ~ this morning I got all brave and stood on the scales and was greeted with a +2kg gain (in a single week where I didn't feel like I did anything wrong). Every single ounce of confidence and certainty that I was doing great evaporated like a puff of smoke. I sent a desperate email to Dr R. without much hope of an answer as we were scheduled for a group conference call in 10 minutes time.

When I got on the line (after the call kicked me off the first time I tried which made me even more anxious) the first question she asked was "what is the gift of your weight loss struggle?" I had nothing. After she asked someone else I proceeded to sob and sobbed through the entire 1 hour call.

The topic of the call was eating with intent. She referenced the Dr Emoto water experiments Shelley blogged about earlier in the week. Dr R. proposed that we should take the same approach to our food and improve the structure of our food based on our intent. She asked that we imbue whatever we eat with love and reverence and welcome it into our bodies so it could use what we needed and release the rest effortlessly and easily.

I realised that I haven't really been at peace with food, I have been mostly ignoring it. I have continued to see food as the enemy and kept strict controls on what is acceptable and what is not. I have also been experiencing stomach cramps after eating which had further reinforced the notion that I had screwed myself up so much I couldn't even digest properly any more.

At the end of the call Dr R. asked what was going on because she had read my email during the call (how's that for multi tasking) and I couldn't even speak. I choked out something about being a failure at this as well as every other diet I've been on. Amongst other things she suggested that my body might be asking for too much food because it was unable to access the nutrients because of my stress around eating. She also said that my body might need more fat than I wanted right now but it wasn't necessarily for ever.

After the call I did some meditation for 15 mins and then a heart opening yoga sequence. I let all my thoughts go and cried some more. I got this image in my head of a bit of seaweed all dried, curled up and tangled on the rocks. Then I saw the waves splash over it making it soft and pliable until all the strands untangled through the motion of the water. The seaweed didn't try to untangle itself, it just let the water do the work. My tears were making my crazy thoughts and confused feelings soft and pliable and gently untangling them. I then emailed Dr R and got back a beautiful email which read :

Love blubbery.
Love the seaweed metaphor.
Love the courage.

Love you.

The thing is that just when you think you've got things sorted you get bitch slapped up side the head. It is like now you've mastered one bit, it's time to get on with the next bit that needs healing.

So what is the gift from today's struggle
~ I opened up emotionally in a public forum - in the past I wouldn't have even dialled in for the call, and if I had I would have pretended nothing was wrong
~ I didn't binge or restrict - my coping mechanism was yoga and reaching out for help
~ I felt a sense of relief and cleansing after my crying - I figure that I was probably holding in 2kg worth of tears LOL
~ I got over myself within a few hours rather than days
~ I identified an issue that I didn't know how to resolve (self esteem gained through accomplishment) and simply let it go - I have carried it around too long and I'm finally so sick of it I'm ditching it permanently.

So my weight went up on the scales, I added my interpretation of what that fact meant, and then I reacted emotionally to that story. All created by me. So I am choosing to to change the story and the reaction.

My new intention is to eat with love, gratitude and reverence by making each meal a ritual (candle, blessing, seated at the table), to leave food on my plate and to go back to journaling my hunger which I started yesterday on Twitter (you can follow me here or look in the sidebar). It will help me be present with my food.

This is a rough ride, but I refuse to give up.

How To Be Healthy Without Being Control-Freaky

Yesterday Diana asked this interesting question which gave me pause ...

But would you say it is possible to get to all these benefits WITHOUT going through all the control-freaky, tough parts first?

The reason that things have changed so dramatically is because my only intention every moment is to take great care of myself body, mind and spirit. When I was just focused on how I looked and a number on the scale, I was living solely in my mind (rules, plans, maths, goals, to-do lists, success/failure judgement, guilt, no pain no gain, etc.) My new approach is based on a balance between head, heart and health.

Head [mind]
I am motivated to eat well, exercise, get enough sleep, meditate and relax because my belief system is now based on holistic health. I use my brain to assess data, apply knowledge and analyse feedback. It doesn't make strict rules but gentle negotiable guidelines. If I stop consulting my mind I live in anarchy without a system and without boundaries.

Heart [spirit]
I listen to my heart which lets me know when I'm on the right track. By having an open heart I am responsive to connecting with other people and nature and my focus is outward rather than inward. My feelings and emotions are chosen and not dictated by what I do or think. I concentrate on who I am, my values and simply being me - warts and all. There is no self judgement and no sense of being a victim. If I reject my uniqueness then I deny my divinity. I deeply and completely love and accept myself. If I stop consulting my spirit I live in selfishness, emotional chaos and self hate.

Health [body]
I prefer clean, healthy food. I prefer vegetables and fruit over cakes and biscuits. I am in tune with my body and know what is hunger, what is a legitimate craving (I'm deficient) and what is an emotional craving. I know how particular foods make me feel over the hours they are digesting in my system. I know my protein, carbs and fat and I know when more of one or the other is needed. I prefer to exercise my body so that I am fit and strong because I have more energy when I do. It is not a chore, it is a daily indulgence. If I stop consulting my body I eat crappy food, don't get enough sleep, over or under exercise and feel uncomfortable in my skin.

So it's all about balance ~ searching for and finding that place where all three areas have equal input. The traditional weight loss approach would seem to focus on the head only. It seems to me that the eat less/move more prescription rarely works in isolation and results in (a) giving up because it's all too hard or (b) getting all control-freaky.

What Has Changed in Three Short Weeks?

The program I am on [Naturally Slender Living] is half way through and our homework is to document the changes that have occurred over the past weeks. As I was a late starter my changes have only occurred over the past 3 weeks. I thought I would post them here as well as on the forum.

Here's what's GONE

• weighing all food (including egg whites, lettuce and diet cordial) and adjusting portions to be exactly the right amount (that extra gram of pumpkin had to go back in the container)
• having food scales at home and in my handbag in case I eat out and don't know the weight of the food
• recording everything in a online calorie counter including the calories in diet soda and fish oil tablets
• feeling anxious and upset if I didn't have internet access to check my calorie totals
• pre-determining what to eat for the day and then printing it out and ticking it off so there was no deviation
• taking all my food with me all the time in multiple tupperware containers
• not allowing anyone a taste of my food because it is measured perfectly and I needed every bit of it
• scraping every last morsel out of the container or licking it clean
• restricting fruit and vegetables based on their carbohydrate content
• restricting food based on its sodium content
• scheduling activities around eating sessions - couldn't go to an event if it prevented me from eating on time
• eating was the main highlight of my day
• never eating the same food as my partner/friends
• the success of my day was measured by the food I ate - good day = ate according to the diet; bad day = ate something I hadn't planned 
• food/cooking/meals was all I thought about and talked about
• never being full - either eating and still being hungry or bingeing beyond the point of fullness
• taking large amounts of expensive supplements ranging from vitamins to fatburners to creatine
• eating large quantities of 'calorie free' food like green vegetables, miracle noodles, psyllium/bran
• exercising until a precise number of calories had been burned
• exercising when I was sick, sore or instead of sleeping
• wearing my heart rate monitor when I went for a walk longer than 10 minutes
• constant physical muscle pain (DOMS) and joint pain making every day activity difficult
• spending all weekend in my gym clothes and sneakers because I never went out anywhere other than the gym and the supermarket
• chronic constipation and gas
• avoiding social situations where food was present
• constantly scouring the internet for the latest diet and latest training method
• calling myself a 'fat pig' in my head
• weighing myself multiple times a day - when I first got up, after going to the bathroom, when I got home from work, before I went to bed
• throwing food in the bin so that I wouldn't eat it and then taking it out later
• asking my husband to hide food so I couldn't find it
• eating until I was so stuffed I couldn't sleep, I had night sweats and my face, fingers and ankles became severely swollen
• always vowing to start afresh each morning, each Monday, each first day of the month
• going to bed early because the only thing I had to look forward to was a lower number on the scales the following morning and breakfast
• crying because of a number on the scale or not being able to fit into my clothes
• avoiding being with my husband because he would want to eat food I couldn't have in front of me
• not being able to leave the house because I needed to be near the toilet when the laxatives and diuretics kicked in
• using colonics as a weight loss strategy
• looking at pictures of steriod using figure girls on stage and feeling inadequate for not looking like them

Here is what's ARRIVED

• eating three main meals a day at roughly the same times, with an afternoon snack and occasional dessert
• eating food that tastes good while I eat it and continues to make me feel good over time without worrying too much about calories, carbs, fat or protein content
  
• eating only when I am hungry 
• seeing food primarily as a source of energy and health
• eating appropriate portions of food that keep me satisfied until the next meal
• varying my intake to my level of activity
• self correcting when I overindulge by either waiting until I'm truly hungry again or making lighter choices at the next meal
• eating whatever I feel like at restaurants, social occasions and celebrations while considering how my choices will make me feel at the end of that day
• using mistakes as an opportunity to learn by thinking through how I will do things differently next time
• recognising and understanding the feedback my body gives me both before and after eating
• calm and relaxed around food knowing that cake eaten with love beats carrots eaten with stress
  
• taking great care of myself
• exercising only to enjoy the vitality and energy it gives me
• enjoying a fully functioning digestive system that makes the optimal use of my food and eliminates the toxins
• taking time for personal hygiene/grooming every day
• recording my behaviours, thoughts and circumstances so I can repeat my successes and overcome my triggers
• accepting that I am beautiful, talented, giving and loved because of who I am not how I look
  
• thankful that I have a strong, functioning body that enables me to interact with the world
• measuring my progress by how I feel rather than a number on a machine
• wearing clothes that fit perfectly, suit my shape, express my personality and make me feel great
• trusting my instincts and my self awareness to tell me what food and exercise will nurture inner peace and joy
• spending more time with my husband and friends without worrying about what they are eating
• living an authentic life
• transforming and evolving to become my best self because this is my destiny
  
• attracting positive thoughts, happiness and limitless opportunites for growth and development into my life
  
• practicing new ways to re-new my mind, body and spirit
• aligning my thoughts, habits, beliefs, values, and intentions to achieve wholeness
• making continuous improvements
  
• re-connecting to my divine nature
• grateful for the journey so far
• going to bed at night contented and happy and waking each morning excited by the adventure of simply living

Pretty fucking good huh?