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Thursday, 8 October 2009

Love the Seaweed

You were right my friends ~ this morning I got all brave and stood on the scales and was greeted with a +2kg gain (in a single week where I didn't feel like I did anything wrong). Every single ounce of confidence and certainty that I was doing great evaporated like a puff of smoke. I sent a desperate email to Dr R. without much hope of an answer as we were scheduled for a group conference call in 10 minutes time.

When I got on the line (after the call kicked me off the first time I tried which made me even more anxious) the first question she asked was "what is the gift of your weight loss struggle?" I had nothing. After she asked someone else I proceeded to sob and sobbed through the entire 1 hour call.

The topic of the call was eating with intent. She referenced the Dr Emoto water experiments Shelley blogged about earlier in the week. Dr R. proposed that we should take the same approach to our food and improve the structure of our food based on our intent. She asked that we imbue whatever we eat with love and reverence and welcome it into our bodies so it could use what we needed and release the rest effortlessly and easily.

I realised that I haven't really been at peace with food, I have been mostly ignoring it. I have continued to see food as the enemy and kept strict controls on what is acceptable and what is not. I have also been experiencing stomach cramps after eating which had further reinforced the notion that I had screwed myself up so much I couldn't even digest properly any more.

At the end of the call Dr R. asked what was going on because she had read my email during the call (how's that for multi tasking) and I couldn't even speak. I choked out something about being a failure at this as well as every other diet I've been on. Amongst other things she suggested that my body might be asking for too much food because it was unable to access the nutrients because of my stress around eating. She also said that my body might need more fat than I wanted right now but it wasn't necessarily for ever.

After the call I did some meditation for 15 mins and then a heart opening yoga sequence. I let all my thoughts go and cried some more. I got this image in my head of a bit of seaweed all dried, curled up and tangled on the rocks. Then I saw the waves splash over it making it soft and pliable until all the strands untangled through the motion of the water. The seaweed didn't try to untangle itself, it just let the water do the work. My tears were making my crazy thoughts and confused feelings soft and pliable and gently untangling them. I then emailed Dr R and got back a beautiful email which read :

Love blubbery.
Love the seaweed metaphor.
Love the courage.

Love you.

The thing is that just when you think you've got things sorted you get bitch slapped up side the head. It is like now you've mastered one bit, it's time to get on with the next bit that needs healing.

So what is the gift from today's struggle
~ I opened up emotionally in a public forum - in the past I wouldn't have even dialled in for the call, and if I had I would have pretended nothing was wrong
~ I didn't binge or restrict - my coping mechanism was yoga and reaching out for help
~ I felt a sense of relief and cleansing after my crying - I figure that I was probably holding in 2kg worth of tears LOL
~ I got over myself within a few hours rather than days
~ I identified an issue that I didn't know how to resolve (self esteem gained through accomplishment) and simply let it go - I have carried it around too long and I'm finally so sick of it I'm ditching it permanently.

So my weight went up on the scales, I added my interpretation of what that fact meant, and then I reacted emotionally to that story. All created by me. So I am choosing to to change the story and the reaction.

My new intention is to eat with love, gratitude and reverence by making each meal a ritual (candle, blessing, seated at the table), to leave food on my plate and to go back to journaling my hunger which I started yesterday on Twitter (you can follow me here or look in the sidebar). It will help me be present with my food.

This is a rough ride, but I refuse to give up.

7 comments:

  1. Wow honey. This is an amazing thing that has happened for you, not to you. Proof that you are healing.

    I spent some time at the relaxation centre this arvo reading. And I read that problems caused within the stomach are: holds nourishment, digests ideas, with a suggested new thought pattern of: I digest life with ease.

    And did I tell you that for the past 3 nights I have lit a candle at the dinner table, said a silent prayer to myself and thoroughly enjoyed the dining experience with my family?

    PS I got a surprise for you today (smile).

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  2. Katie - i read your post with tears in my eyes. Then i got to the seaweed part and felt a sense of relief - i imagined in my head how the water gently laps against the seaweed over and over again and eventually the seaweed unravels - so perfectly. Your journey is amazing and your progression is even MORE amazing.
    Have to ask though - ho is Dr R? I must of missed the post about it!
    SHARING THE LOVE - LOVE YOU HEAPS AND AM GRATEFUL TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE xxoo

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  3. Kudos for your courage kiddo xoxo Love your work!

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  4. at the end of the day, you just have to remember that you have NEVER given up on your journey to happiness. What i have learned, is that happiness is a journey in itself. There is no time when you will just be happy and that will be that. Something will happen, life will throw you lemons, etc. You are working your butt off to make positive changes in your life and eventually, they will come together and you will be at peace. As for the scales, your body is stil probably balancing out and you will eventually come to a place where living, loving, eating, exercising, and enjoying life will all get in sync with eachother. And as an extra, the scale will agree with the other things too, but by that point, you won't care as much :) Hang in there, you are an AMAZING and INSPIRING woman. You totally inspire me every day.

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  5. <3 xo
    I dont know what to say other than - keep up your honesty and beautiful blog! I love your reference to slowing down and enjoying each meal - make it a ritual with candles etc... I am very renown for chowin my food down so fast it hasnt even hit my stomach and Im finished - I dont think it even hits my taste buds sometimes. I'm gonna slow it all down, savour every bite, think about how the food tastes and feels and above all - LOVE MYSELF - cause thats what us chicks need to do a whole damn more lot of!!!

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  6. I love your seaweed analogy.

    I was taught to leave a little something on my plate "for the angels"

    My angel is Storm my dog LOL LOL

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