When I got on the line (after the call kicked me off the first time I tried which made me even more anxious) the first question she asked was "what is the gift of your weight loss struggle?" I had nothing. After she asked someone else I proceeded to sob and sobbed through the entire 1 hour call.
The topic of the call was eating with intent. She referenced the Dr Emoto water experiments Shelley blogged about earlier in the week. Dr R. proposed that we should take the same approach to our food and improve the structure of our food based on our intent. She asked that we imbue whatever we eat with love and reverence and welcome it into our bodies so it could use what we needed and release the rest effortlessly and easily.
I realised that I haven't really been at peace with food, I have been mostly ignoring it. I have continued to see food as the enemy and kept strict controls on what is acceptable and what is not. I have also been experiencing stomach cramps after eating which had further reinforced the notion that I had screwed myself up so much I couldn't even digest properly any more.
At the end of the call Dr R. asked what was going on because she had read my email during the call (how's that for multi tasking) and I couldn't even speak. I choked out something about being a failure at this as well as every other diet I've been on. Amongst other things she suggested that my body might be asking for too much food because it was unable to access the nutrients because of my stress around eating. She also said that my body might need more fat than I wanted right now but it wasn't necessarily for ever.
After the call I did some meditation for 15 mins and then a heart opening yoga sequence. I let all my thoughts go and cried some more. I got this image in my head of a bit of seaweed all dried, curled up and tangled on the rocks. Then I saw the waves splash over it making it soft and pliable until all the strands untangled through the motion of the water. The seaweed didn't try to untangle itself, it just let the water do the work. My tears were making my crazy thoughts and confused feelings soft and pliable and gently untangling them. I then emailed Dr R and got back a beautiful email which read :
Love the seaweed metaphor.
Love the courage.
The thing is that just when you think you've got things sorted you get bitch slapped up side the head. It is like now you've mastered one bit, it's time to get on with the next bit that needs healing.
So what is the gift from today's struggle
~ I opened up emotionally in a public forum - in the past I wouldn't have even dialled in for the call, and if I had I would have pretended nothing was wrong
~ I didn't binge or restrict - my coping mechanism was yoga and reaching out for help
~ I felt a sense of relief and cleansing after my crying - I figure that I was probably holding in 2kg worth of tears LOL
~ I got over myself within a few hours rather than days
~ I identified an issue that I didn't know how to resolve (self esteem gained through accomplishment) and simply let it go - I have carried it around too long and I'm finally so sick of it I'm ditching it permanently.
So my weight went up on the scales, I added my interpretation of what that fact meant, and then I reacted emotionally to that story. All created by me. So I am choosing to to change the story and the reaction.
My new intention is to eat with love, gratitude and reverence by making each meal a ritual (candle, blessing, seated at the table), to leave food on my plate and to go back to journaling my hunger which I started yesterday on Twitter (you can follow me here or look in the sidebar). It will help me be present with my food.
This is a rough ride, but I refuse to give up.