Love the Seaweed

You were right my friends ~ this morning I got all brave and stood on the scales and was greeted with a +2kg gain (in a single week where I didn't feel like I did anything wrong). Every single ounce of confidence and certainty that I was doing great evaporated like a puff of smoke. I sent a desperate email to Dr R. without much hope of an answer as we were scheduled for a group conference call in 10 minutes time.

When I got on the line (after the call kicked me off the first time I tried which made me even more anxious) the first question she asked was "what is the gift of your weight loss struggle?" I had nothing. After she asked someone else I proceeded to sob and sobbed through the entire 1 hour call.

The topic of the call was eating with intent. She referenced the Dr Emoto water experiments Shelley blogged about earlier in the week. Dr R. proposed that we should take the same approach to our food and improve the structure of our food based on our intent. She asked that we imbue whatever we eat with love and reverence and welcome it into our bodies so it could use what we needed and release the rest effortlessly and easily.

I realised that I haven't really been at peace with food, I have been mostly ignoring it. I have continued to see food as the enemy and kept strict controls on what is acceptable and what is not. I have also been experiencing stomach cramps after eating which had further reinforced the notion that I had screwed myself up so much I couldn't even digest properly any more.

At the end of the call Dr R. asked what was going on because she had read my email during the call (how's that for multi tasking) and I couldn't even speak. I choked out something about being a failure at this as well as every other diet I've been on. Amongst other things she suggested that my body might be asking for too much food because it was unable to access the nutrients because of my stress around eating. She also said that my body might need more fat than I wanted right now but it wasn't necessarily for ever.

After the call I did some meditation for 15 mins and then a heart opening yoga sequence. I let all my thoughts go and cried some more. I got this image in my head of a bit of seaweed all dried, curled up and tangled on the rocks. Then I saw the waves splash over it making it soft and pliable until all the strands untangled through the motion of the water. The seaweed didn't try to untangle itself, it just let the water do the work. My tears were making my crazy thoughts and confused feelings soft and pliable and gently untangling them. I then emailed Dr R and got back a beautiful email which read :

Love blubbery.
Love the seaweed metaphor.
Love the courage.

Love you.

The thing is that just when you think you've got things sorted you get bitch slapped up side the head. It is like now you've mastered one bit, it's time to get on with the next bit that needs healing.

So what is the gift from today's struggle
~ I opened up emotionally in a public forum - in the past I wouldn't have even dialled in for the call, and if I had I would have pretended nothing was wrong
~ I didn't binge or restrict - my coping mechanism was yoga and reaching out for help
~ I felt a sense of relief and cleansing after my crying - I figure that I was probably holding in 2kg worth of tears LOL
~ I got over myself within a few hours rather than days
~ I identified an issue that I didn't know how to resolve (self esteem gained through accomplishment) and simply let it go - I have carried it around too long and I'm finally so sick of it I'm ditching it permanently.

So my weight went up on the scales, I added my interpretation of what that fact meant, and then I reacted emotionally to that story. All created by me. So I am choosing to to change the story and the reaction.

My new intention is to eat with love, gratitude and reverence by making each meal a ritual (candle, blessing, seated at the table), to leave food on my plate and to go back to journaling my hunger which I started yesterday on Twitter (you can follow me here or look in the sidebar). It will help me be present with my food.

This is a rough ride, but I refuse to give up.

Weigh In 27 June - What the Fuck is Going On?

One entire week eating 1600 calories a day and sitting on my bony arse and this is the result. My weight stayed the same. No blowing up like a giant marshmallow, no muscle wasting and fat gain, no ill effects at all.

I know, I can't believe it either. It doesn't make any sense. Does this mean that the calories I burn at the gym don't make any difference? Is fat loss 100% diet and 0% exercise? Have I been severely under eating all along and 1600 calories is my TDEE (total daily energy expenditure) with no exercise?

If I can live on 1600 calories a day (which is perfectly adequate if I'm not starving hungry) I can train however I want without worrying about how much it is burning. I can do heavy weight lifting sets with long rest periods and not care that my heart rate doesn't break into the moderate or high range. I don't have push so hard that I feel like puking during my interval sprints.

The only reason I need to train is for strength, flexibility, and to keep my heart healthy and my body flooded with oxygen. I can choose yoga, or ballet, or a long walk along the harbour and only think of how it will keep me fit and strong, not as a fat loss/maintenance necessity.

From now on, the only goal of training will be to nurture my physical body, to focus my mind (one of the best ways to 'be in the moment' - a sort of moving meditation) and to awaken all my metabolic systems for the day. I will choose to expend only the right amount of energy to ensure that I don't sabotage my eating plan by tiring myself out and spiking my appetite. If I burn a significant amount of calories, I will see what happens if I add half? or all? of them to my eating calories, but I am not yet convinced that that what my HRM tells me is completely accurate.

The more I learn, the less I know ...

Weigh In 13 June

Saturday is free day and this is what today's treat was - I didn't eat all of them, but I can tell you my 2 most favourite are lemon meringue and sticky date pudding. They are only baby cupcakes so don't freak out too much. Go here to see them in their full splendour.

Weigh In 5 June

2009 - 3 weeks post comp

2008 - 1 week post comp

A quick comparison to June 2008 just for future reference.

If my clothes are anything to go on, it would appear that I am still in a calorie deficit. I am planning on eating a bit more today (I already had a pre-breakfast snack of a hash brown and a whole poached egg) and Mr Katie and I are celebrating our 15 year anniversary tomorrow night by going out to dinner (we are actually going to make it to the mini burger place this time).

I was looking for a word to use instead of maintenance and I was provided with these from the Thesaurus.

I couldn't decide on my favourite - they all describe the different elements of this new adventure. It is interesting to see how many of them relate to structure and discipline: control, directing, management, protecting, supervision.

Weigh In 28 May

Reverse Engineering - Know What You DON'T Want

Imagine that I asked you to design the perfect desk lamp. Unless you have designed a damn good desk lamp before you might struggle a bit.

Now imagine that I asked you to design the worst desk lamp ever. I bet you could do that with much less trouble.

The problem is, when we don't have any experience with what works, we get tangled up in focusing on achieving the perfect outcome which limits our creativity and our ability to act. You might not have had any experience in finding what works when it comes to losing fat, all you know is the things you have tried that haven't worked.

I don't know how to maintain my weight. I have tried before, but I have always failed. So trying to come up with the perfect plan is a completely daunting task.

But to describe the WORST MAINTENANCE DIET EVER is relatively simple because I have heaps of experience in that department.

How can I put back on all the weight that I've lost in the last 6 months, plus a bit more, not fit into my clothes and feel bloated, depressed and miserable?

1. Frequently eat food from cafes, restaurants and fast food outlets that I don't know the calorie content of
2. Stop planning and logging what I eat
3. Cease weighing myself daily
4. Eat until I am overfull/stuffed/feeling sick
5. Have a 'last supper' every time my weight creeps up because it is back to dieting tomorrow
6. Eat a high carb, low fat diet
7. Eat the same amount of calories and the same food every single day
8. Find fault with how I look, especially things I am unable to change
9. Stop doing cardio
10. Eat what my husband eats
11. Eat everything that is offered to me - meeting food, birthday cake, party nibbles
12. Make certain foods 'bad' and off limits forever - limit myself to 'clean' food
13. Let hunger and tiredness get out of control
14. Buy and eat junk food when I am in the house alone
15. Try to make up for overeating by over exercising, under eating the next day or fasting
16. Eat sparingly during the day and save up my calories for a big dinner or meal out
17. Try to behave like a 'normal' person
18. Keep trigger foods in view
19. Believe that I have to have an 'off season' weight increase
20. Believe that I have to eat more to build more muscle
21. Believe that 'staying the same' is not an achievement in itself
22. Feel conspicuous and embarrassed that I stand out because I look different and eat differently to everyone else
23. Eat things I don't like because they are good for me
24. Stop taking my supplements
25. Avoid being hungry at all costs
26. Eat when I'm hungry, not at scheduled meal times
27. Wait for tomorrow to start afresh if I go off plan today
28. Try and do everything on my own
29. Have days when I don't shower, get dressed, or leave the house except to go to the shops for snacks
30. Listen to my mother (and other people) when they say I am too thin.

It is not necessary to go through and re-frame all these points into a positive strategy because all I have to do is the opposite - (2) Plan and log what I eat (7) Cycle my calories and menu items (24) Take my supplements (26) Eat at scheduled meal times etc.

The simple instructions are - Do the Opposite of Items 1-30.

By knowing what doesn't work, I now know what does.

UD 2.0 Weigh In 22 May

[Sorry about the blurry photo]

A 1 kilo increase from fully dehydrated and depleted comp weight. Compared to my weigh in from my last proper cycle (1 May = 57.1kg - before I did 10 days straight of low carb and then did only a restricted re-feed) I am 1.1 kgs down. I am happy with that. I am now eating 100g carbs a day on my 'low carb' days so I expect I am also holding a bit more water in my muscles than previously. My muscles certainly look much fuller and more defined.

I am looking forward to my date tonight with Mr KatieP. We are going to Bite Me at Star City and I intend to have a couple of mini burgers with chips. Hurry up tonight!!

PS - Shelley - I just had Fluff on my pancakes OMG!

The Big Day - Photos

I am still pondering my post competition thoughts and will post soon.

14 Days to Glory - Day 14 - IT'S SHOWTIME

All glammed up and ready to go.

Final dehydrated weigh in -
2009 - 54.9kg/11.3% = 6.2/48.7
compared to last year -
2008 - 54.8kg/11.4% = 6.25/48.55

See you on the other side.

Thank you to everyone who has taken this ride with me one more time.

It's going to be a spectacular day --- and it's going to be FUN!

If you're there (INBA Brisbane Titles) - I'm in the Figure Masters 40+ scheduled to commence at 12:20pm. Look for the blonde in the green bikini - #54.

Don't forget to check back for ongoing updates on Twitter.


♥ you all ~ Katie xxxx

UD 2.0 Week 4 Weigh In [Early for Comp Prep]

This week's weigh in is early (normally Friday morning) because I needed to carb load today in order to get into peak condition for Sunday (it takes me 4 days to tighten up after extra carbs). I must admit I had to step on and off the scales a few times this morning to believe the number. No complaints - just excitement.

I was tempted to forgo today's re-feed for some more spectacular scale losses, but then I remembered how crappy I felt and reminded myself that I wasn't chasing some number but trying to look and feel my best on Sunday. Strict low carb dieting all the way to the end would have left me flat, stringy, tired and miserable. No thanks!

So I have partaken of gorgeous carby goodness and I feel alive again.

It is lovely to be staying with Shelley, away from the cold and mundane routine of Sydney. Coming to Brisbane always feels like a wonderful holiday. It is such a joy to have her support and comraderie at the 'pointy end'.

14 Days to Glory - Day 9

Hello 55's - Yahoo!!

I love it when a plan comes together

Most pleased ...

14 Days to Glory - Day 5 - UD 2.0 Week Three Weigh In

Hello 56's at last!

I am very happy with today's weigh in - another LWE [lowest weight ever]. Not so happy with my hormones though. This is now my second period in a row that has come 2 weeks after the previous one. That equals 3 periods in the last 6 weeks. What is that all about? Last time they stopped altogether ... this time - double!

Random Shit

1. I have managed to insert my tracking spreadsheet at the top of the page so it should now just update automatically instead of me having to cut and paste it each morning. I will do a final cut and paste at the end of each week so I have a record for the future. Now I don't have to worry about all that carry on while I am in Brisbane.
   


2. It is my last day of work today until after the comp - thank god! It is so difficult to be focused on all the dramas when your stomach is rumbling constantly.


3. I think I have solved the mystery of why I hate drinking water - it is vile Sydney tap water that makes me feel sick. If I drink filtered water at work, or water out of the kettle after it's been boiled I am good.


4. I am having a higher calories/carb day today to compensate for missing this week's re-feed. Even limiting myself to 100g of carbs today, I managed to squeeze in oats and powder for breakfast. God I love oats!
   

UD 2.0 Week Two Results

Weight is creeping down - not as impressive as last week but I am not particularly concerned.

Cornflakes and oats have been eaten and all is right with the world. This is my last full carb up until after the competition. I am skipping next weeks refuel day and going low carb straight through to Thursday the week after [10 days] when I only have a 250g carb intake [as opposed to 400g] - wish me luck!

Is anyone else having trouble with Calorie King today??

UD 2.0 Week One Results

This week I have doubled my average weight loss from -0.3kg to -0.6kg as well as losing 0.6% body fat. A fantastic result!

Today is re-fuel day. The last four days have been hard, but not that hard. I felt really quite good yesterday. I am not sure if it was having a rest or just getting beyond the pain threshold.

It is so nice to have three whole days ahead of me with more relaxed eating. It certainly stops the binge mentality creeping in which it does when you only have one day off before you are back on restricted calories. This new plan means I can eat tons today, a decent amount tomorrow and a little less on Sunday when I can sleep in and all I'm required to do is walk in the afternoon.

Loving it.

The Curious Effects of a Binge

I am beginning to suspect that my body is at the point where it really needs a decent re-feed once a week. After eating over 4,000 calories of good and crappy food on Sunday, I have still leaned up over the past 4 days. The abundance of food on the weekend made dieting this week so much easier and I have even lost some weight [another lowest weight ever].

So I am going to shake things up and change my calories/carbs and training around to a 7 day schedule. The calories work out the same ~ 1400/2000 3:1 days [#1550 average] but I am doing 4 very low days, 1 high day and 2 moderate. The training is tailored to my energy levels because I am finding it very hard to keep up with NROL4W with no fuel in the tank [which is exactly what the book says]. My updated strategy is based on Lyle McDonald's Ultimate Diet 2.0.

Mon-Tue
1300 calories ~ 65g carbs ~ depletion training (high reps/light weight)

Wed-Thu
1300 calories ~ 65g carbs ~ low intensity cardio (or optional rest on one day)

Fri
2600 calories ~ 400g carbs ~ tension training (moderate reps/weight)

Sat
1600 calories ~ 150g carbs ~ power training (low reps/heavy weight)

Sun
1450 calories ~ 100g carbs ~ rest + optional low intensity cardio in the afternoon

Hiding from the Bunny

another LWE with a huge BF% drop in the last 4 days

Gotta Live or Get It Done?

Losing fat is not a pleasant experience. When your body is in deficit it fights hard to get the fuel it wants. You are starving and your energy goes in the toilet.

The question today is: Is it better to just put your head down and get it over with as quickly as possible or should you make it as painless as you can and take it slowly and sanely?

The problem with just Getting it Done is that the pain and madness are sometimes overwhelming. It requires great strength, courage and will power to survive day upon day of low calorie eating and high intensity training. You need to put most of your normal life on hold. But the results are significant and immediate. You can achieve large losses on the scales every week.

The problem with the Gotta Live approach is that a small caloric deficit mean that fat loss is painfully slow. Your results are masked by hormonal and water fluctuations so sometimes you feel you aren't getting anywhere at all. It requires faith, persistence and patience. But there is bearable pain and minimal madness along the way. Your life can continue while the fat slowly melts away.

I think Burn the Fat, Feed the Muscle is the perfect program for me because it combines the two approaches. For three days I am Getting it Done - eating 1400 calories and keeping my carbs under 100g a day. I am continuously hungry the whole time and slightly bonkers. By the fourth day I can't take it much longer and I have just Gotta Live. I eat 'on plan' for most of the fourth day but I have either more food or a re-feed meal and dessert. My calories and carbs are high and my deficit is small [if at all?]. But the hunger and the madness stops just long enough for me to regroup, re-energise and refocus on the next three days of fat loss mode.

I have been on this program for 15 weeks which is the longest I have stuck to anything. In that time I have lost over 5 kilos when I wasn't overweight to start with. I realise that this is only 300g a week, but in my world, 300g consistently is a huge success.

I have the strength, courage and will power to survive being in a deficit 75% of the time, and I have the faith, persistence and patience to keep going when the scales don't move or even go up. I have been losing fat while still enjoying meals out with my husband and friends. I have had Christmas dinner and because today is a re-feed, I could even have Easter eggs if I wanted [but I am not that fussed as I eat chocolate all the time and I'd rather have cheesecake].

Most importantly, I appear to have finally got control over my bingeing.

Would you rather just Get It Done or do you Gotta Live?

BFFM Cycle Weigh In - 62 Days to Comp

Hello 58's
Last Sunday morning I woke up after eating 4,000 calories the day before and saw 62.8 kgs on the scales. One week later I am 4 kilos lighter. Do I need any more proof that that the scales are a complete mind fuck!!

I have 'lost weight' Bigger Loser style this week. How did I do it?

(a) my starting weight was artificially increased by the quantity of food/water/sodium I was still carrying from the day before
(b) I was unknowingly pre-menstrual - my period arrived yesterday two and a half weeks late
(c) I changed my diet during the week by avoiding salicylate containing foods - tomato, sweet potato, zucchini, capsicum, eggplant, deli meat, herbs and spices, vinegar, and litres of tea
(d) I pooped 1-2x every day last week as a result of my dietary changes

Rapid weight loss is rarely rapid fat loss. I am just happy that I am back on track either staying the same or losing fat every 4 day cycle.

Here I am in my skinniest jeans. Izzy is giving me posing coaching by making sure my hips are in the right place.

Here's an arm

And here's some abs

With 8 weeks still to go.

BFFM Cycle 18 Weigh In - 74 Days

Cycle 2 : Fat: 10.25 LBM: 52.25
Cycle 4 : Fat: 10.12 LBM: 51.58
Cycle 6 : Fat: 9.70 LBM: 51.70
Cycle 8 : Fat: 9.49 LBM: 52.11
Cycle 10 : Fat: 9.18 LBM: 52.2
Cycle 12 : Fat: 9.32 LBM: 51.58
Cycle 14 : Fat: 9.15 LBM: 51.05
Cycle 16 : Fat: 8.91 LBM: 50.89
Cycle 18 : Fat: 8.48 LBM: 51.22

diet details

Training : Advanced Figure Training (A) + 10 min sprint intervals
Time : 1 hour 18 min ~ Calories : 517 ~ AHR : 119 bpm (68%)
Next target : 3 April : 11.8% ~ 6.80/50.8 = 57.6 kg

Undeserved spike this morning *sigh*. But as long as I am steadily losing fat each week (8 days) I am making progress. The squeaky annoying voice in my head keeps telling me I need to go 'hard core' and start dropping weight more quickly but the sane voice reminds me that there will always be other competitions and I am not willing to suffer months of post-comp bingeing because I switched on starvation brain.

I also read a great post from Jen yesterday regarding the whole 'food for fuel' thing.

Earlier this week, a co-worker was going on (and on, and on) about how he sees food as fuel and doesn't really care that much about eating. For a second, I thought, "wow, wouldn't that be nice," but then I thought how sad it really would be.

Food as fuel, if you're taking it literally, means it doesn't matter what you eat as long as it sustains your energy and is relatively nutritious. Enjoying fixing and eating a nice meal would go out the window. The satisfaction I feel when I find a really terrific restaurant where the cook put some thought and care into food preparation -- gone.

I love food and want to enjoy it. Though I've spent a lot of time dieting, one good thing it did for me was to break me out of my food ruts. I found a lot of great new recipes in my healthy food cookbooks, and I finally learned to love vegetables. It's been a revelation to me. But I found these new things because of my love of food, not despite it.

Do you adore the smell, taste and texture of food and look forward to each meal or have you decided that food is merely 'fuel' and just eat without much enjoyment or delight??

BFFM Cycle 16 Weigh In - 82 Days

Cycle 2 : Fat: 10.25 LBM: 52.25
Cycle 4 : Fat: 10.12 LBM: 51.58
Cycle 6 : Fat: 9.70 LBM: 51.70
Cycle 8 : Fat: 9.49 LBM: 52.11
Cycle 10 : Fat: 9.18 LBM: 52.2
Cycle 12 : Fat: 9.32 LBM: 51.58
Cycle 14 : Fat: 9.15 LBM: 51.05
Cycle 16 : Fat: 8.91 LBM: 50.89

diet details

Training : depletion workout + 30 min ss jog
Time : 1 hour 29 min ~ Calories : 533 ~ AHR : 114 bpm (65%)
Next target : 27 Feb : 13.6% ~ 8.11/51.49 = 59.6 kg

Mad Monkey has been joined by his out of town cousin Premenstrual Primate and have set up Camp "You've Done So Well You Deserve a Day When You Can Eat All You Want" in my head. I am completely smashed, bloated and uncomfortable. It will take all my resolve to get through a high carb day without blowing it.

In order to moderate my binge urges, I will eat lowish carb today and just have more food. I don't think I could cope with the hunger spikes the carbs give me.

BFFM Cycle 14 Weigh In - 90 days

Cycle 2 : Fat: 10.25 LBM: 52.25
Cycle 4 : Fat: 10.12 LBM: 51.58
Cycle 6 : Fat: 9.70 LBM: 51.70
Cycle 8 : Fat: 9.49 LBM: 52.11
Cycle 10 : Fat: 9.18 LBM: 52.2
Cycle 12 : Fat: 9.32 LBM: 51.58
Cycle 14 : Fat: 9.15 LBM: 51.05

diet details

Temperature = 36.1
Training : rest
This target : 15 Feb : 14.2% 15.2% (+1%) ~ 8.56 9.15 (+.59)/51.74 51.05 (+.69) = 60.3 kg 60.2 kg (-0.1)
Next target : 27 Feb : 13.6% ~ 8.11/51.49 = 59.6 kg

This weigh in isn't very accurate because it was at 3-30am this morning as I had to be at work by 4-30am. It still shows I am way off target, my BF% is too high, I have more fat than I should and less lean body mass. I guess it is not an exact science so for this cycle at least, I am happy with my scale weight.

I have decided to rest again today because as well as suffering from lack of sleep from getting up at 3-30am, I have done something to my back and shoulder. It is giving me real pain rather than sore muscle pain. It is better today than yesterday, but I don't want to push my luck and make it worse.

Here's a great article on pushing through when you are tired or injured - puts a new slant on things.