How To Be Healthy Without Being Control-Freaky

Yesterday Diana asked this interesting question which gave me pause ...

But would you say it is possible to get to all these benefits WITHOUT going through all the control-freaky, tough parts first?

The reason that things have changed so dramatically is because my only intention every moment is to take great care of myself body, mind and spirit. When I was just focused on how I looked and a number on the scale, I was living solely in my mind (rules, plans, maths, goals, to-do lists, success/failure judgement, guilt, no pain no gain, etc.) My new approach is based on a balance between head, heart and health.

Head [mind]
I am motivated to eat well, exercise, get enough sleep, meditate and relax because my belief system is now based on holistic health. I use my brain to assess data, apply knowledge and analyse feedback. It doesn't make strict rules but gentle negotiable guidelines. If I stop consulting my mind I live in anarchy without a system and without boundaries.

Heart [spirit]
I listen to my heart which lets me know when I'm on the right track. By having an open heart I am responsive to connecting with other people and nature and my focus is outward rather than inward. My feelings and emotions are chosen and not dictated by what I do or think. I concentrate on who I am, my values and simply being me - warts and all. There is no self judgement and no sense of being a victim. If I reject my uniqueness then I deny my divinity. I deeply and completely love and accept myself. If I stop consulting my spirit I live in selfishness, emotional chaos and self hate.

Health [body]
I prefer clean, healthy food. I prefer vegetables and fruit over cakes and biscuits. I am in tune with my body and know what is hunger, what is a legitimate craving (I'm deficient) and what is an emotional craving. I know how particular foods make me feel over the hours they are digesting in my system. I know my protein, carbs and fat and I know when more of one or the other is needed. I prefer to exercise my body so that I am fit and strong because I have more energy when I do. It is not a chore, it is a daily indulgence. If I stop consulting my body I eat crappy food, don't get enough sleep, over or under exercise and feel uncomfortable in my skin.

So it's all about balance ~ searching for and finding that place where all three areas have equal input. The traditional weight loss approach would seem to focus on the head only. It seems to me that the eat less/move more prescription rarely works in isolation and results in (a) giving up because it's all too hard or (b) getting all control-freaky.

Chasing the Dream

Even though I don't actually care what other people think, when they say things that I still believe to be true, in my heart of hearts, it pushes my buttons.

If people had been saying that I torture kittens or drink my own piss I wouldn't have cared because I know it isn't true. But when people said that not having a diet plan and weighing myself meant I wasn't holding myself accountable, and that I had failed to reach my own goals I got upset. Mostly because I still believed that was true. So much so that I even logged back into Cruelty King and listed my breakfast yesterday morning.

The best part is that when things go bad and my old habits resurface I know that there is something that still needs healing. What is the belief, what have I agreed to that makes me react in this way?

Have I given up because it's too hard and I'm not tough enough?
Have I stopped being accountable?
Am I a failure because I don't weigh 55kg?

Here is the truth.

I have not given up anything only allowing myself love and acceptance when I reach a certain number on the scales. It is infinitely tougher to face the fact that I only feel happy when I am 'good', when I am trying to become like someone else. I am awakening to the realisation that my value lies inside me rather than in my conformity to the cultural myth of physical beauty.

I am more accountable than I ever was. Instead of following a plan written by another person, I am listening to the wisdom of my body. I can't make excuses like 'carb loading' and 'cheat meals' when I overeat processed food that makes me feel like shit. I don't know what my body really wants because I have been ignoring it for so long, so each meal is an opportunity to discover what works for me. I can't just eat the same thing day in and day out. I have to decide what and how much to eat and then notice how it makes me feel over time. It is constant attention, not stuffing McDonalds in my face while I sit on the couch.

Have I failed to meet my goal of weighing 55kg? Well, I have actually got there twice now, but it only made me continuously hungry and completely exhausted. I didn't feel healthy -- I was constipated, without a period, and in physical pain from my bones sticking out. I learned that looking like someone else didn't make me beautiful, peaceful or contented.

Am I envious of those who eat and train in the manner that allows them to compete? If envy means would I swap places then no. Do I feel admiration and respect? Of course I do because I know how much commitment that particular journey requires. I also know that for me the feeling of accomplishment didn't outweigh the pain.

It takes an equal amount of commitment and discipline to give all that away and focus on being healthy, happy and balanced. There is no 'off season' when it comes to facing the way I think, my beliefs and my identity. There is pain involved, but the feeling of progress, of continuous improvement and the sense that my hard work is transforming my reality is the most satisfying thing I have ever experienced. It makes going on a diet and chasing a scale number as significant as the colour I choose to paint my toenails.

How will I be remembered?
(a) Katie was always working hard at being in great shape. She worked her arse off in the gym, watched what she ate and looked amazing. She certainly knew how to get what she wanted.
(b) Katie always seemed to be happy. She had this beauty that glowed from the inside. Whenever you were with her, read what she wrote or looked at her photos you were given a glimpse of pure joy. She seemed different to other people because she saw life as wonderful, exciting and magical.

I now know for certain that my purpose lies beyond being working the hardest and looking the best. My purpose is to be different, not because I'm fitter, stronger and leaner than everyone else, but because my unique view of the world gives others a glimpse of the joy of simply being.

Why chase a dream, a goal, an outcome when this moment is as good as it could ever get? We already have all that it takes to have all that we want.

Why Goal Setting is Harmful Part II

My post on the dangers of goal setting has struck a few nerves. If you interested in a blogtroversy (blogs+controversy - I'm clever at words you know LOL) then read this post and comments from Sue from Ideal Bodies Online, and this post and comments from Liz from The Fitness Solution.

I have been thinking about why the notion of goal setting doesn't work for me and I think there is more to consider.

The most important thing in my life is my husband Mr Katie. I would kill for him and die for him. He is my rock, my soul mate and the greatest source of happiness in my life. We have a wonderful relationship.

If I believed that the goal setting was the way to make significant and lasting improvements I would spend every Sunday afternoon planning how I am going to achieve/maintain a wonderful relationship with Mr Katie during the next 7 day.

1. Specific Goal = Mr Katie and I will have a wonderful loving relationship
2. Measureable = I will know we have a wonderful relationship because Mr Katie will give me 5 compliments, kiss me 14 times, do the washing up on Friday and shag me silly on Tuesday.
3. Actionable = I will be especially nice to him this week, I will make an effort to look beautiful, I will cook him dinner on Tuesday night (ergo he will want to shag me).
4. Realistic = He's never done the washing up on Friday before but I am making this a stretch/challenge goal
5. Timely = To be completed by the end of this week.

On Monday Mr Katie is particularly stressed at work and comes home in a foul mood and doesn't want to talk let alone kiss me or compliment me. I am nice to him but he is so wrapped up in his own problems he doesn't hear me.

On Tuesday I get sick. I have the flu and I stay home from work. My eyes are red, my nose is running and I spend the day in my stained and torn most comfortable track suit pants. I don't cook dinner because I can barely stand up and shagging is out of the question.

On Wednesday and Thursday I stay late at work to catch up on the work that I missed by being sick and Mr Katie's roster means he is in bed by the time I get home. We text each other during the day but we don't get to speak more than a few words.

On Friday night we are both exhausted from a huge week. We decide to go out to dinner on the spur of the moment and while Mr Katie is finishing off some things so he can go out with me, I do the washing up like I usually do.

On Saturday we get to hang out together. During the day have a heated debate about spirituality (he's an atheist and  I believe in a higher power), and spend most of our time in different rooms at opposite ends of the house. Occasionally we pass each other in the hallway or the kitchen and share some interesting thought that has just occurred to us.

On Sunday I sit down to check on my goals for the past week. I have missed every single one -- only 2 compliments, 7 kisses, he didn't do the washing up and we didn't shag. I wasn't always nice, I looked pretty ordinary when I was sick and I didn't cook him a meal.

My relationship is not as wonderful as I thought it was.

I know this is a bit silly but my story illustrates what happens when I apply the business model of performance goal setting to my relationship with my body. Let me say that again in case you missed it. I have a relationship with my body in the same way I have a relationship with my husband.

Goal setting is an artificial constraint that can distort my perception of reality. It would be completely logical to conclude that I had failed to improve my relationship with my husband for that week if I relied on the criteria I had set out in my plan. But you and I know that there is nothing wrong with my marriage.

When I am in a relationship I take the good with the bad. I love my husband unconditionally and I understand that his behaviour and his opinions doesn't alter the fact that he loves me. I know that I don't need to be beautiful or nice or the perfect wife to deserve his love. Neither of us has to change we just have to grow and learn together and be committed to never giving up.

So enough with the goals that prescribe how what I am going to 'do' this week/month/12 weeks to have my 'best body ever'. I am simply committed to being in a relationship with my body by growing, learning and never giving up.

10 Reasons Why Goal Setting is Harmful

Just say NO to this crap!

For decades goal setting has been promoted as the best way to amp up motivation and increase performance. It is as prevalent in the 'health and fitness' industry as it is in the corporate world. Advocates state that you won't achieve any success unless you have S.M.A.R.T (specific, measurable, a? can't remember actionable, realistic, timely) goals.

I disagree. The practice of performance based goal setting is harmful and dangerous and actually makes the process of growing, learning and evolving more difficult. Let's take weight loss (I want to weigh 55kg) as an example.

1.  Goals can focus attention so narrowly that people overlook other important features of a task
Seeing 55kg on the scale is my only focus. I don't notice what effect it has on my health, sleep patterns, sex drive and energy levels. 

2.  Goals focus on short-term targets at the expense of long-term growth
Seeing 55kg on the scale will be possible by x date if I lose 1 kg a week. I can't see that in the process of reaching that goal I am developing long term habits of exercise bulimia and starve/binge eating patterns.

3. Goals are ceilings rather than floors
Once my goal of 55kg is achieved I can relax, rest and pause. The extreme disciplined behaviour I employed to reach that weight is now too difficult to maintain after meeting my target.

4. Goals motivate risk taking
Reaching 55kg may involve the use of fat burners, colonics, laxatives, and water/salt manipulation.

5. Goals lure people into unethical behavior
I might declare that I've reached my goal by either cheating (hello steriods) or misrepresenting my actual performance level (it wasn't quite 55kg but I had a PMT/salty meal/carbs/DOMs which is only water and doesn't count)

6.  Goals inhibit learning
I will stick to the method of weight loss that has worked in the past. I am not likely to explore alternative methods of weight loss which may suit me better when I am pushing to reach my goal by a certain date.

7.  Goals increase competition and feelings of failure
I have reached my goal of 55kg but there are people who have lost weight quicker than I have, more than I have and look better than me. OR
I haven't reached my goal by my target date so I must be useless, worthless, lacking discipline and lazy (let's eat to numb the pain!).

8.  Goals push the stakes higher and higher
I have reached my goal of 55kg and now I need a new goal. It has to 'stretch' me so my next goal will be to lose another 5 kg by the time I run that marathon.

9.  Goals decrease intrinsic motivation
A goal is extrinsic (from without) and while I am focused on achieving my specific outcome I am not motivated by the intrinsic (from within) value of the process itself. I can't stay motivated unless I have the carrot dangling from the stick in front of me.

10. Goals justify excuses for failure in other areas of your life
I can't visit family, I can't go to the school fete with the kids, I can't function properly at work because I am on a diet right now.

So piss off the dangerous habit of goal setting by recognising that it is limiting you achieving your full potential. Striving to achieve a performance target is a fatally flawed method of motivation that causes more harm than good.

So, what would I like instead?

I set my intention to live each day with an open heart, focussed on gratitude, growth, learning and my personal evolution. There is no measurement of quantity/quality, there is no success or failure, and there is no finish line. I am simply aware of my thoughts and actions, evaluating how my choices and decisions impact on my head, heart and health.

A life filled with happiness, peace and joy is not reliant on being 'good enough', 'better/best' or 'taking action'.

Happiness is deeply and completely loving and accepting my uniqueness, individuality and my flawed vulnerability. I can simply 'be'.


Adapted from: Goals Gone Wild - the Systematic Side Effects of Over-Prescribing Goal Setting

100 Day Challenge - Day 79 Phase Three Underway

Phase Three -- Check Your Map
Today you should revisit your map in light of everything you learned in Phase One and Two.

♥What is the treasure you are seeking? What do you hope to achieve at the end of these 100 days? Do you have a specific goal, an end point, something you can measure?

♥Is the treasure the purpose of this challenge or just a reward that it secondary to the adventure? If you could get your hands on the treasure right now, would you give up being a pirate? Would you be a pirate anyway because that is who you are? Do you find happiness and satisfaction solely in the thrill of being free, lawless and traveling the high seas? Would you still do it if there was no prize?

♥Do you know why you are on this challenge? How does this challenge express your passion? Do you feel emotional when you think about all you have achieved and the opportunities that lie before you?

♥How much will it cost to achieve your goals? What will you need to give up - time, money, indulgence, familiarity, comfort? Are you actually making the transaction daily by taking steps towards your goal?

♥How long has it been since you wrote your goals down on paper, or said them out loud? Nothing is real until it exists outside your head.

• Decide if your are goals focused on the journey or the destination
• Determine your reasons why. Identify your passion and add your emotions into the equation.
  
• Take action
  
• Write down your goals daily and say them out loud
  

Phase Three -- Setting Sail -- Leave the Past Behind

It is time to put your old life into storage, say goodbye to the things that have held you back, and sail away from a life that is comforting and familiar. You have the right map, the right crew, and a vessel that is swift and strong. It is time to create your future ... and it starts right now.

It is time to decide if you are in or out -- because the ship is sailing and you need to get on board. It doesn't matter what you have done over the last 20 days because today is all you have.

Remember who you are, and who you want to be ... it's time to get this party started. Are with with me??

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100 Day Challenge - Day 89 - Phase Two Underway

Phase Two -- Check Your Map -- Revisit Your Goals

Today you should revisit your goals in light of everything you learned in Phase One.

♥Frequency - is trying to do an action every single day too much to expect at this point? Review how much is 'perfect' and how often is 'progress' and make the adjustment.

♥Quality -- are some of your goals actually a bit easy for you? Are they things that you do already and are already fairly automatic? Maybe you could drop the easy stuff? Or are they just not realistic -- especially if you are injured, or trying to do too much at once?

♥Great Big Goal -- what is the one goal that is most important to you? What is the thing you need to be doing compared to what you want to be doing? If all else fails, if life goes to shit, what will you try to do no matter what? My Great Big Goal is to go for as long as I can without bingeing and if I fail (which will happen eventually) I will keep on trying to string together more and more good days in a row.

♥Walk the Plank -- what is your secret scary thing - can you add it to your (private) action plan to do just once? Can you pick at date when that might be?

♥Competing actions -- check for goals that are in competition with each other -- if I want to write an article a day, I won't get 7 hours sleep a night so I have to make a compromise -- in this case 3 articles and 4 early nights.

• Take a moment to look at your goals
• Are they too easy? too hard? too time consuming? too scary?
• Make the adjustments that you need to now

Phase Two -- Assembling Your Crew -- Recruit Your Support Team

Doing hard things by yourself makes them even harder. We could all do with some help from people who will give us support, understanding, encouragement and the occasional kick in the butt!

Over the next 10 days we are going to pull together the people that will enable us to sail the stormy seas on our journey to find that buried treasure.

• Who are the people who support you while staying home on dry land (pirate partners)?
• What qualities do you want in the crew of your sailing ship?
• Who will you choose for your first mate?

Recruitment begins tomorrow.

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Goal Tracker - Joes Goals

I have blogged about this simple goal tracker a long time ago but here is a reminder. Joe's Goals is a free online program that let's you set up daily goals online and then tick them off.

One of the good things is you can choose to have the goal only on some days (see training) and you can give things multiple ticks (write one article will have two ticks today).

Pretty handy for the 100 day challenge and the easiest way to get a bonus bone don't you think?

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