Chasing the Dream

Even though I don't actually care what other people think, when they say things that I still believe to be true, in my heart of hearts, it pushes my buttons.

If people had been saying that I torture kittens or drink my own piss I wouldn't have cared because I know it isn't true. But when people said that not having a diet plan and weighing myself meant I wasn't holding myself accountable, and that I had failed to reach my own goals I got upset. Mostly because I still believed that was true. So much so that I even logged back into Cruelty King and listed my breakfast yesterday morning.

The best part is that when things go bad and my old habits resurface I know that there is something that still needs healing. What is the belief, what have I agreed to that makes me react in this way?

Have I given up because it's too hard and I'm not tough enough?
Have I stopped being accountable?
Am I a failure because I don't weigh 55kg?

Here is the truth.

I have not given up anything only allowing myself love and acceptance when I reach a certain number on the scales. It is infinitely tougher to face the fact that I only feel happy when I am 'good', when I am trying to become like someone else. I am awakening to the realisation that my value lies inside me rather than in my conformity to the cultural myth of physical beauty.

I am more accountable than I ever was. Instead of following a plan written by another person, I am listening to the wisdom of my body. I can't make excuses like 'carb loading' and 'cheat meals' when I overeat processed food that makes me feel like shit. I don't know what my body really wants because I have been ignoring it for so long, so each meal is an opportunity to discover what works for me. I can't just eat the same thing day in and day out. I have to decide what and how much to eat and then notice how it makes me feel over time. It is constant attention, not stuffing McDonalds in my face while I sit on the couch.

Have I failed to meet my goal of weighing 55kg? Well, I have actually got there twice now, but it only made me continuously hungry and completely exhausted. I didn't feel healthy -- I was constipated, without a period, and in physical pain from my bones sticking out. I learned that looking like someone else didn't make me beautiful, peaceful or contented.

Am I envious of those who eat and train in the manner that allows them to compete? If envy means would I swap places then no. Do I feel admiration and respect? Of course I do because I know how much commitment that particular journey requires. I also know that for me the feeling of accomplishment didn't outweigh the pain.

It takes an equal amount of commitment and discipline to give all that away and focus on being healthy, happy and balanced. There is no 'off season' when it comes to facing the way I think, my beliefs and my identity. There is pain involved, but the feeling of progress, of continuous improvement and the sense that my hard work is transforming my reality is the most satisfying thing I have ever experienced. It makes going on a diet and chasing a scale number as significant as the colour I choose to paint my toenails.

How will I be remembered?
(a) Katie was always working hard at being in great shape. She worked her arse off in the gym, watched what she ate and looked amazing. She certainly knew how to get what she wanted.
(b) Katie always seemed to be happy. She had this beauty that glowed from the inside. Whenever you were with her, read what she wrote or looked at her photos you were given a glimpse of pure joy. She seemed different to other people because she saw life as wonderful, exciting and magical.

I now know for certain that my purpose lies beyond being working the hardest and looking the best. My purpose is to be different, not because I'm fitter, stronger and leaner than everyone else, but because my unique view of the world gives others a glimpse of the joy of simply being.

Why chase a dream, a goal, an outcome when this moment is as good as it could ever get? We already have all that it takes to have all that we want.

Reframing #102

Is it a photo or a movie?

When I think about my favourite (unhealthy) food I imagine a still photo. I see the food big, colourful, and close. I smell its wonderful aroma and imagine how it will taste in my mouth. I see a vivid picture in my head.

If I change that photo into a movie, and let it run from the beginning to the end, my experience changes. I see myself eating the food, then eating more and more until I am uncomfortable. I feel my bloated stomach as I climb into bed and experience a night of disturbed sleep. I can feel the disappointment and self criticism that follows and suddenly the food isn't as attractive as that photo I had in my head.

When I think about going on a diet I imagine a photo. It is a picture of me standing on the scales and the number flashing back at me gives me a wave of pleasure. It is a wonderful thrill that I miss.

If I change that photo into a movie, and let it run from beginning to end, my experience changes. I see myself restricting my calories, exercising until I drop and being tired, cold and miserable the whole time. I see myself reaching that magic "lowest weight ever" number on the scales but the movie doesn't stop there. It is biologically impossible for me to be in a restrict my food without the bingeing that follows. I watch my self-control and will power slip away as I binge again and again until I have regained all the weight I have lost. I can see the entire miserable cycle and suddenly the gratification of losing weight through calorie restriction and over exercising isn't as attractive as the photo in my head.

It has been said that all poor decisions are based on photos - glorifying one moment in time; and all good decisions are based on movies - considering the action and its consequences over time.

Next time you are faced with a decision, make sure you are seeing the entire movie from start to finish and not just a single snapshot frozen in time. If you make this choice, how will you feel at the end of the day, and how will you feel tomorrow?

Are your decisions based on a photo or on a movie?

Reframing #101

The only thing that makes me abandon my resolve to take great care of myself is pain. It can be emotional pain ~ frustration, boredom, failure, sadness, loneliness, confusion; or physical pain ~ sore muscles, headache, tiredness, cramps, indigestion. My instant escape valve from pain is to eat something I consider a treat, and to eat a lot of it, because the longer I am involved in the sensory delight of eating, the longer I can forget about the pain.

Unfortunately, when the eating is done, I have a whole lot more pain to deal with ~ disgust, a sense of failure, and a desire to punish myself to make amends for my lack of control. I increase the level of pain in my life which guarantees that sooner or later I'll end up self medicating with food again. And so the cycle continues ...

Imagine a recent time when you did something that you regret, and are ashamed of. I bet it had something to do with food, didn't it? Was it that extra helping of dessert? Or that handful of sweets stuffed down your throat while no-one was looking? Or did you just keep going back for more and more peanut butter until the jar was empty? As you remember every detail of that episode, how does it make you feel? Better or worse than before you thought about it?

We give every event in our lives meaning. Our actions and feelings following events depend on the meaning we give to the event. Normally this meaning is given unconsciously. We can't change how we feel about something by deciding to think conscious positive thoughts, but we can use a little brain magic to improve our unconscious reactions ~ it is called REFRAMING. And the best part is that is simple, instant and permanent.

This is what I see in my head when I think about the other day when I ate something crappy when I was tired, frustrated and needed to escape from feeling bad. This picture reminds me that I was out of control, disgusting and weak. I need a good slap and more discipline. I need to get tougher on myself because I can't be trusted to 'eat what I want' when this is what I do. There is no way I am loving and accepting that!




Now I imagine the same image but I turn down the colour, I make it blurry and out of focus, I make it appear smaller by surrounding it with white space and I add a frame.

This image is exactly the same but completely different. How do I feel about this view of the same event?
What do you feel when you look at this picture?

I can see someone who is hurting, someone who in pain and needs comfort. There is a fragile vulnerability that is compelling and beautiful. There is no way that this person needs more rules, more discipline or punishment, they need love and understanding. I need love and understanding. I need to take better care of myself and treat myself with kindness. The feelings of powerlessness, disgust and weakness have been replaced with feelings of compassion. I can deeply and completely love and accept this image of myself.

Try scrolling back up to the original picture. I bet you can't look at it in the same way as you did before. Your feelings have changed permanently because your perspective has changed.

I didn't repeat positive affirmations for days on end, I didn't go to therapy to figure out why I eat as a coping strategy, and I didn't write a list of all the things that I have done successfully. I literally REFRAMED the picture in my head by altering the colour, sharpness, size and surroundings of the same image. My subconscious mind now adds a different meaning to the event without me needing to 'work through it'. I am now in a powerful positive emotional state where I have access to my skills, imagination and motivation to change the outcome.

Hokey pokey brain magic ... and there's much more where that came from ...

[who knew Photoshopping was a weight mastery technique!]