Why Failure is Better than Success

As an "A" type personality and complete over achiever I never realised that value of failure.

According to my previous beliefs, gaining weight is one of the worst things that could ever happen to me [even typing that sentence makes me realise how ridiculous that thought is - is is hardly worth worrying about compared to death, disease, divorce, and abuse]. Even so, by my glorious and virtuous (*sarcasm*) standards, failing at losing weight was to be avoided at all costs.

But the things I have learned over the past two days have made me realise that without that failure, without that weight gain, I wouldn't have made the progress that I have.

I have discovered that doing the 'wrong' thing or getting the 'wrong' results is a great thing. It challenges your view of the world and is a catalyst for growth and self awareness.

Here is a simple practical example to illustrate my point. I have finally given myself permission to eat 'bad' food, the stuff that wouldn't be considered as taking great care of myself.

To my surprise, after dining on real pancakes made with flour and the best fish and chips in Sydney, I learned that I didn't even like either of them any more. If I hadn't 'failed' I would have gone on using my willpower and discipline to resist them. Now no effort whatsoever is required to pass on the fish and chips because they don't taste that good.

I have the freedom to break all the rules because there is a truth to be discovered. Instead of seeing failure in the face of not meeting my high expectations, I see that I have courage I didn't even know I had.

What could I discover about my life if I didn't eat enough protein, if I didn't let my boss tell me what to say in meetings, and if I didn't try to make the pain go away?

Spectacular failure is priceless feedback if I take notice of the results and learn the lessons.

Chasing the Dream

Even though I don't actually care what other people think, when they say things that I still believe to be true, in my heart of hearts, it pushes my buttons.

If people had been saying that I torture kittens or drink my own piss I wouldn't have cared because I know it isn't true. But when people said that not having a diet plan and weighing myself meant I wasn't holding myself accountable, and that I had failed to reach my own goals I got upset. Mostly because I still believed that was true. So much so that I even logged back into Cruelty King and listed my breakfast yesterday morning.

The best part is that when things go bad and my old habits resurface I know that there is something that still needs healing. What is the belief, what have I agreed to that makes me react in this way?

Have I given up because it's too hard and I'm not tough enough?
Have I stopped being accountable?
Am I a failure because I don't weigh 55kg?

Here is the truth.

I have not given up anything only allowing myself love and acceptance when I reach a certain number on the scales. It is infinitely tougher to face the fact that I only feel happy when I am 'good', when I am trying to become like someone else. I am awakening to the realisation that my value lies inside me rather than in my conformity to the cultural myth of physical beauty.

I am more accountable than I ever was. Instead of following a plan written by another person, I am listening to the wisdom of my body. I can't make excuses like 'carb loading' and 'cheat meals' when I overeat processed food that makes me feel like shit. I don't know what my body really wants because I have been ignoring it for so long, so each meal is an opportunity to discover what works for me. I can't just eat the same thing day in and day out. I have to decide what and how much to eat and then notice how it makes me feel over time. It is constant attention, not stuffing McDonalds in my face while I sit on the couch.

Have I failed to meet my goal of weighing 55kg? Well, I have actually got there twice now, but it only made me continuously hungry and completely exhausted. I didn't feel healthy -- I was constipated, without a period, and in physical pain from my bones sticking out. I learned that looking like someone else didn't make me beautiful, peaceful or contented.

Am I envious of those who eat and train in the manner that allows them to compete? If envy means would I swap places then no. Do I feel admiration and respect? Of course I do because I know how much commitment that particular journey requires. I also know that for me the feeling of accomplishment didn't outweigh the pain.

It takes an equal amount of commitment and discipline to give all that away and focus on being healthy, happy and balanced. There is no 'off season' when it comes to facing the way I think, my beliefs and my identity. There is pain involved, but the feeling of progress, of continuous improvement and the sense that my hard work is transforming my reality is the most satisfying thing I have ever experienced. It makes going on a diet and chasing a scale number as significant as the colour I choose to paint my toenails.

How will I be remembered?
(a) Katie was always working hard at being in great shape. She worked her arse off in the gym, watched what she ate and looked amazing. She certainly knew how to get what she wanted.
(b) Katie always seemed to be happy. She had this beauty that glowed from the inside. Whenever you were with her, read what she wrote or looked at her photos you were given a glimpse of pure joy. She seemed different to other people because she saw life as wonderful, exciting and magical.

I now know for certain that my purpose lies beyond being working the hardest and looking the best. My purpose is to be different, not because I'm fitter, stronger and leaner than everyone else, but because my unique view of the world gives others a glimpse of the joy of simply being.

Why chase a dream, a goal, an outcome when this moment is as good as it could ever get? We already have all that it takes to have all that we want.

How Do You Know If You've Failed?

We have these sets of personal rules and regulations that are so restrictive and unreasonable that it is no wonder we continually convince ourselves that we have 'failed'. We would never expect our friends or our partner to live up to the same standards.

Being on this Challenge has made me ponder the definition of failure.

Consider these examples where I could have decided I had failed to reach yesterday's goals.

I didn't train yesterday morning because I have an infected wisdom tooth and DOMS - No failure because the circumstances were beyond my control.

I didn't get to 7 hours sleep because I was writing, blogging and getting support from blogworld - no failure because I traded one goal for a better one.

I didn't drink more water than Diet Coke - no failure because I don't really value this goal - so I ditched it permanently.

The only time you fail is when you momentarily give up the fight. When you think "I don't care, it doesn't matter, what's the point, I can't be arsed, I'm sick of this" and you purposely don't do what you know you should. This happens to everyone at some point (which is why you should plan to fail) but afterward you look at what happened, learn a lesson and move on.

Don't beat yourself up if circumstances get in the way, if you find something that is better for you than what you planned or your priorities change.

The truth is that the most valuable thing you learn when you commit to a challenge is how to pay attention. Mindfulness and self awareness is what you are really growing and developing - thinking about what you do and why you do it.

It is not about winning or losing, succeeding or failing, or how many ticks there are on your goal chart. It is about deciding how you want to live and then trying your hardest to be that person.

Guidelines for losing a skinny bone on the challenge.

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