To the 130 People Reading This in Google Reader

This Blog has moved to Head♥Heart♥Health

There are 130 people who read this blog in Google Reader who have been missing out on my wonderful insights (ha!) into the joys of smashing out of the diet/binge cycle. I know this because Google Reader tells me I only have 28 subscriptions to my Wordpress Blog.

 Click this button and the magic interweb fairies will add my new blog to Google automatically.

Please come with me to my new home ... I miss you.

This is the FINAL POST

The time has come the walrus said to speak of other things  to make a significant change. I have been thinking about this for awhile. I am leaving my past behind and embracing a new, exciting future as a healthy living blogger.

This blog is going into retirement as a memento of my old fucked up life learning experience.

I can now be found blogging at

Head ♥ Heart ♥ Health over at Wordpress.

Head over there to check out the easiest way to free yourself from the diet mentality by learning how to listen to your inner wisdom.

I do hope that you follow me down this fresh new path. If not, I wish you peace, joy and happiness in all that you do.

Thanks for the ride -- see you later ♥

Fat Talk Free Week

♥ BODY IMAGE

Every day millions of women lose time, money, energy, creativity, self-esteem and emotional connectedness to their loved ones. Why?

They lose these to an endless pursuit of an unattainable, unrealistic standard of female beauty — the thin ideal. Fashion is about fantasy, but somewhere along the way we forgot that. Instead, we began to think that every girl and every woman in our world was supposed to achieve this unreasonable and unhealthy ideal. As a result we all lose. We all lose when 50% of our population is distracted from more meaningful and fulfilling pursuits that make life full and worth living. And when 50% of our population is raised to hate their bodies, we all lose because research shows that body dissatisfaction is associated with poor health behaviors.

Pursuit of the healthy ideal — which looks different for different women — requires us to take care of our bodies. The healthy ideal happens when we simultaneously maximize our physical health, mental health and quality of life. For better or worse, however, our bodies are no different than any other object or living being in our care. Hate them and we are likely to abuse them. Love them and we will finally begin down the road to health. So give up Fat Talk, which reinforces the thin ideal, and join us in the pursuit of the healthy ideal.

Birthday Booty

I have had the best birthday ever! Shelley flew in for a surprise visit from Brisbane on Friday afternoon and is staying for the weekend. I didn't know she was coming. I got some beautiful presents from her and she brought something from Liz as well.

Mr Katie made me a beautiful fountain for my mediation/yoga space. I now listen to the sound of running water.

Kitty made me a heart with wings (the card says "Happy Birftda Mum! I made this)

I loved it so much I got it tattooed on my wrist.

Thank you so much for all the kind birthday wishes. I've been very spoilt ♥

All You Need Is Forgiveness, Love and Gratitude

emBODY Your Dreams

The lovely Emma has just launched her Personal Training business. If you are looking for some encouragement and inspiration, check out her services at emBODYPT. She has a Facebook Group as well.

Love you Em ... you have made an amazing transformation and deserve every success.

The Walk

There were lots of people running, walking, doing sit ups in the park. As each person passed by I noticed their sweaty brow, their frowns of concentration and pain, and their glazed eyes as they stared past me.

As I walked along the weathered broadwalk and noticed the first rays of sunlight glistening off the harbour there was only one other person who made eye contact with me. She was young, blonde and beautiful, her face alight with her stunning smile. I smiled back and then glanced down at her naked feet.

Like two naughty school girls wagging Phys Ed class we had both independently kicked off our shoes and declared that walking barefoot was the ultimate way to start the day.

Do You Want It Bad Enough?

Is there any area in your life where you have great success without really having to work that hard at it? Is there something you are just naturally good at?

For me, I've always had financial security and a wonderful marriage. I was asking myself today why both of these areas have seemed to just 'drop into my lap' without any struggle.

The thing that springs to mind is that I am not attached to either material possessions or a 'happily ever after' romance. I don't NEED money to be happy and I don't NEED a relationship to be happy either. And because of that lack of attachment, both those things are bountiful in my life. I am extremely grateful and appreciate what I have (another clue?) and I enjoy every day that I have more money than I need and I am truly loved. Yet I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if either or both disappeared tomorrow I would be sad for the loss but not in any way completely crushed. My identity does not lie in material wealth or being with another person.

It's that old story about when you go for an interview for a job you don't want that much, or stop looking for a relationship that you get those things. It seems that our ability to let go of the desire ensures we end up getting those things despite our neutral feelings.

Do you really NEED to have a body that is in it's top physical condition? Must you always eat on plan and on schedule to feel in control? Are you consumed by the latest diet and training program? How bad do you want it?

Maybe the intensity of your desire is what prevents you from getting what you want? Maybe wanting it bad means you're never going to get it, or if you do, you will be consumed by the fear of losing it.

Let it go ... life is about happiness, honesty, growth and experience and the money, relationship and banging body will be the icing on the cake.

Do I want it bad enough? Nah, but it will probably turn up sooner or later without me having to struggle for it.

(Note: being financially secure, in a good relationship and having a lean, fit, healthy body all still require EFFORT (going to work, loving my partner, eating healthy food, training) and the effort is what brings happiness - not the expectancy of reward some time in the future.)

Why Failure is Better than Success

As an "A" type personality and complete over achiever I never realised that value of failure.

According to my previous beliefs, gaining weight is one of the worst things that could ever happen to me [even typing that sentence makes me realise how ridiculous that thought is - is is hardly worth worrying about compared to death, disease, divorce, and abuse]. Even so, by my glorious and virtuous (*sarcasm*) standards, failing at losing weight was to be avoided at all costs.

But the things I have learned over the past two days have made me realise that without that failure, without that weight gain, I wouldn't have made the progress that I have.

I have discovered that doing the 'wrong' thing or getting the 'wrong' results is a great thing. It challenges your view of the world and is a catalyst for growth and self awareness.

Here is a simple practical example to illustrate my point. I have finally given myself permission to eat 'bad' food, the stuff that wouldn't be considered as taking great care of myself.

To my surprise, after dining on real pancakes made with flour and the best fish and chips in Sydney, I learned that I didn't even like either of them any more. If I hadn't 'failed' I would have gone on using my willpower and discipline to resist them. Now no effort whatsoever is required to pass on the fish and chips because they don't taste that good.

I have the freedom to break all the rules because there is a truth to be discovered. Instead of seeing failure in the face of not meeting my high expectations, I see that I have courage I didn't even know I had.

What could I discover about my life if I didn't eat enough protein, if I didn't let my boss tell me what to say in meetings, and if I didn't try to make the pain go away?

Spectacular failure is priceless feedback if I take notice of the results and learn the lessons.

The Freaky Shit

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you my 1,000th post.

On this momentous occasion, I will dig deep into my authenticity and reveal some of the freaky shit that has been going on since I undertook this new adventure of aligning my head, heart, and health.

♫ I have been unable to go to the gym and lift heavy weights. I have tried a few time to ensure that it wasn't just laziness or burn out, but I feel genuinely uncomfortable on weights floor and out of place in the cardio room. The only thing that feels OK is RPM class. I am aware of an atmosphere of competition and judgment that feels draining. In the dark RPM class, there is a feeling of camaraderie as we work as a virtual team and challenge ourselves.

♫ I now practice yoga every morning. As the sky lightens above the trees I practice sun salutations. It is as essential to my day. I also take 2-3 classes a week and I am aware of an atmosphere of sharing, support and complimentary energy.

♫ I drop into a meditative state more easily as each day passes and keep going deeper. If I was to describe it I would liken it to the state between waking and sleeping. It has seemed like I have been meditating for hours when only 5 minutes have passed.

♫ My natural preferences are for fruit and vegetables above anything else. Now there are no bad foods, I keep trying my old favourites only to discover that they either taste ordinary or sit oddly in my stomach. The thought of meat is less and less appealing.

♫ The most challenging yoga poses are the 'heart opening' ones. My chest muscles are strong but also constricted. My back and shoulders are broad and open. When I try to contract my back half and open the front half of my torso I have difficulty. It is interesting that my heart is where I have been closed down.

♫ Strangers speak to me and smile, colleagues confide in me, kitty won't leave me alone -- my openness invites others in instead of shutting them out.

♫ My life is slower.

♫ I say grace.

♫ My giant tea cup at work has a post it note with the words love and gratitude stuck to it.

♫ I have unsubscribed to about 75% of the blogs in my reader and most of my email newsletters. There is a whole world of people whose blogs provide nurture, comfort and guidance and I am reading those now and filing them under 'holistic health'.

♫ My instinct is to do random acts of kindness when I feel at my lowest. By doing something for someone else I forget about myself.

♫ I'm in between goodbye and hello. I'm saying "yes" to life. I'm taking better care of myself. I'm taking my first faltering steps on this quest for inner peace.

♫ My body and I talk to each other

Hello body. Create for me a safe home, a home that is an oasis, that is calm, that is flowing with life energy, and that is reflective of my beauty. Allow me to breathe my peaceful spirit deep into every fiber, every cell, and every strand of DNA. Release from your tissues all that is not me, all that is not love. Release the aches and pains and frozen areas that keep me – my spirit – and life energy from flowing freely within you. I give you complete permission to do what you do best, which is of course to be a self-healing body always in a state of perpetual rejuvenation.

Happy 1,000th post ~ here's to 1,000 more ~ I am so excited to dream of what my life might look like then...

Love the Seaweed

You were right my friends ~ this morning I got all brave and stood on the scales and was greeted with a +2kg gain (in a single week where I didn't feel like I did anything wrong). Every single ounce of confidence and certainty that I was doing great evaporated like a puff of smoke. I sent a desperate email to Dr R. without much hope of an answer as we were scheduled for a group conference call in 10 minutes time.

When I got on the line (after the call kicked me off the first time I tried which made me even more anxious) the first question she asked was "what is the gift of your weight loss struggle?" I had nothing. After she asked someone else I proceeded to sob and sobbed through the entire 1 hour call.

The topic of the call was eating with intent. She referenced the Dr Emoto water experiments Shelley blogged about earlier in the week. Dr R. proposed that we should take the same approach to our food and improve the structure of our food based on our intent. She asked that we imbue whatever we eat with love and reverence and welcome it into our bodies so it could use what we needed and release the rest effortlessly and easily.

I realised that I haven't really been at peace with food, I have been mostly ignoring it. I have continued to see food as the enemy and kept strict controls on what is acceptable and what is not. I have also been experiencing stomach cramps after eating which had further reinforced the notion that I had screwed myself up so much I couldn't even digest properly any more.

At the end of the call Dr R. asked what was going on because she had read my email during the call (how's that for multi tasking) and I couldn't even speak. I choked out something about being a failure at this as well as every other diet I've been on. Amongst other things she suggested that my body might be asking for too much food because it was unable to access the nutrients because of my stress around eating. She also said that my body might need more fat than I wanted right now but it wasn't necessarily for ever.

After the call I did some meditation for 15 mins and then a heart opening yoga sequence. I let all my thoughts go and cried some more. I got this image in my head of a bit of seaweed all dried, curled up and tangled on the rocks. Then I saw the waves splash over it making it soft and pliable until all the strands untangled through the motion of the water. The seaweed didn't try to untangle itself, it just let the water do the work. My tears were making my crazy thoughts and confused feelings soft and pliable and gently untangling them. I then emailed Dr R and got back a beautiful email which read :

Love blubbery.
Love the seaweed metaphor.
Love the courage.

Love you.

The thing is that just when you think you've got things sorted you get bitch slapped up side the head. It is like now you've mastered one bit, it's time to get on with the next bit that needs healing.

So what is the gift from today's struggle
~ I opened up emotionally in a public forum - in the past I wouldn't have even dialled in for the call, and if I had I would have pretended nothing was wrong
~ I didn't binge or restrict - my coping mechanism was yoga and reaching out for help
~ I felt a sense of relief and cleansing after my crying - I figure that I was probably holding in 2kg worth of tears LOL
~ I got over myself within a few hours rather than days
~ I identified an issue that I didn't know how to resolve (self esteem gained through accomplishment) and simply let it go - I have carried it around too long and I'm finally so sick of it I'm ditching it permanently.

So my weight went up on the scales, I added my interpretation of what that fact meant, and then I reacted emotionally to that story. All created by me. So I am choosing to to change the story and the reaction.

My new intention is to eat with love, gratitude and reverence by making each meal a ritual (candle, blessing, seated at the table), to leave food on my plate and to go back to journaling my hunger which I started yesterday on Twitter (you can follow me here or look in the sidebar). It will help me be present with my food.

This is a rough ride, but I refuse to give up.

Crashed and Burned

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

What is the one thing that is guaranteed to bring my world crashing down in an instant?

Come on, if you know me (or have been hanging out here for awhile) ... have a guess.

I'll be back later to document the complete blubbery experience that took place from 5am to 10am this morning.

But only if someone guesses correctly...

How To Be Healthy Without Being Control-Freaky

Yesterday Diana asked this interesting question which gave me pause ...

But would you say it is possible to get to all these benefits WITHOUT going through all the control-freaky, tough parts first?

The reason that things have changed so dramatically is because my only intention every moment is to take great care of myself body, mind and spirit. When I was just focused on how I looked and a number on the scale, I was living solely in my mind (rules, plans, maths, goals, to-do lists, success/failure judgement, guilt, no pain no gain, etc.) My new approach is based on a balance between head, heart and health.

Head [mind]
I am motivated to eat well, exercise, get enough sleep, meditate and relax because my belief system is now based on holistic health. I use my brain to assess data, apply knowledge and analyse feedback. It doesn't make strict rules but gentle negotiable guidelines. If I stop consulting my mind I live in anarchy without a system and without boundaries.

Heart [spirit]
I listen to my heart which lets me know when I'm on the right track. By having an open heart I am responsive to connecting with other people and nature and my focus is outward rather than inward. My feelings and emotions are chosen and not dictated by what I do or think. I concentrate on who I am, my values and simply being me - warts and all. There is no self judgement and no sense of being a victim. If I reject my uniqueness then I deny my divinity. I deeply and completely love and accept myself. If I stop consulting my spirit I live in selfishness, emotional chaos and self hate.

Health [body]
I prefer clean, healthy food. I prefer vegetables and fruit over cakes and biscuits. I am in tune with my body and know what is hunger, what is a legitimate craving (I'm deficient) and what is an emotional craving. I know how particular foods make me feel over the hours they are digesting in my system. I know my protein, carbs and fat and I know when more of one or the other is needed. I prefer to exercise my body so that I am fit and strong because I have more energy when I do. It is not a chore, it is a daily indulgence. If I stop consulting my body I eat crappy food, don't get enough sleep, over or under exercise and feel uncomfortable in my skin.

So it's all about balance ~ searching for and finding that place where all three areas have equal input. The traditional weight loss approach would seem to focus on the head only. It seems to me that the eat less/move more prescription rarely works in isolation and results in (a) giving up because it's all too hard or (b) getting all control-freaky.

What Has Changed in Three Short Weeks?

The program I am on [Naturally Slender Living] is half way through and our homework is to document the changes that have occurred over the past weeks. As I was a late starter my changes have only occurred over the past 3 weeks. I thought I would post them here as well as on the forum.

Here's what's GONE

• weighing all food (including egg whites, lettuce and diet cordial) and adjusting portions to be exactly the right amount (that extra gram of pumpkin had to go back in the container)
• having food scales at home and in my handbag in case I eat out and don't know the weight of the food
• recording everything in a online calorie counter including the calories in diet soda and fish oil tablets
• feeling anxious and upset if I didn't have internet access to check my calorie totals
• pre-determining what to eat for the day and then printing it out and ticking it off so there was no deviation
• taking all my food with me all the time in multiple tupperware containers
• not allowing anyone a taste of my food because it is measured perfectly and I needed every bit of it
• scraping every last morsel out of the container or licking it clean
• restricting fruit and vegetables based on their carbohydrate content
• restricting food based on its sodium content
• scheduling activities around eating sessions - couldn't go to an event if it prevented me from eating on time
• eating was the main highlight of my day
• never eating the same food as my partner/friends
• the success of my day was measured by the food I ate - good day = ate according to the diet; bad day = ate something I hadn't planned 
• food/cooking/meals was all I thought about and talked about
• never being full - either eating and still being hungry or bingeing beyond the point of fullness
• taking large amounts of expensive supplements ranging from vitamins to fatburners to creatine
• eating large quantities of 'calorie free' food like green vegetables, miracle noodles, psyllium/bran
• exercising until a precise number of calories had been burned
• exercising when I was sick, sore or instead of sleeping
• wearing my heart rate monitor when I went for a walk longer than 10 minutes
• constant physical muscle pain (DOMS) and joint pain making every day activity difficult
• spending all weekend in my gym clothes and sneakers because I never went out anywhere other than the gym and the supermarket
• chronic constipation and gas
• avoiding social situations where food was present
• constantly scouring the internet for the latest diet and latest training method
• calling myself a 'fat pig' in my head
• weighing myself multiple times a day - when I first got up, after going to the bathroom, when I got home from work, before I went to bed
• throwing food in the bin so that I wouldn't eat it and then taking it out later
• asking my husband to hide food so I couldn't find it
• eating until I was so stuffed I couldn't sleep, I had night sweats and my face, fingers and ankles became severely swollen
• always vowing to start afresh each morning, each Monday, each first day of the month
• going to bed early because the only thing I had to look forward to was a lower number on the scales the following morning and breakfast
• crying because of a number on the scale or not being able to fit into my clothes
• avoiding being with my husband because he would want to eat food I couldn't have in front of me
• not being able to leave the house because I needed to be near the toilet when the laxatives and diuretics kicked in
• using colonics as a weight loss strategy
• looking at pictures of steriod using figure girls on stage and feeling inadequate for not looking like them

Here is what's ARRIVED

• eating three main meals a day at roughly the same times, with an afternoon snack and occasional dessert
• eating food that tastes good while I eat it and continues to make me feel good over time without worrying too much about calories, carbs, fat or protein content
  
• eating only when I am hungry 
• seeing food primarily as a source of energy and health
• eating appropriate portions of food that keep me satisfied until the next meal
• varying my intake to my level of activity
• self correcting when I overindulge by either waiting until I'm truly hungry again or making lighter choices at the next meal
• eating whatever I feel like at restaurants, social occasions and celebrations while considering how my choices will make me feel at the end of that day
• using mistakes as an opportunity to learn by thinking through how I will do things differently next time
• recognising and understanding the feedback my body gives me both before and after eating
• calm and relaxed around food knowing that cake eaten with love beats carrots eaten with stress
  
• taking great care of myself
• exercising only to enjoy the vitality and energy it gives me
• enjoying a fully functioning digestive system that makes the optimal use of my food and eliminates the toxins
• taking time for personal hygiene/grooming every day
• recording my behaviours, thoughts and circumstances so I can repeat my successes and overcome my triggers
• accepting that I am beautiful, talented, giving and loved because of who I am not how I look
  
• thankful that I have a strong, functioning body that enables me to interact with the world
• measuring my progress by how I feel rather than a number on a machine
• wearing clothes that fit perfectly, suit my shape, express my personality and make me feel great
• trusting my instincts and my self awareness to tell me what food and exercise will nurture inner peace and joy
• spending more time with my husband and friends without worrying about what they are eating
• living an authentic life
• transforming and evolving to become my best self because this is my destiny
  
• attracting positive thoughts, happiness and limitless opportunites for growth and development into my life
  
• practicing new ways to re-new my mind, body and spirit
• aligning my thoughts, habits, beliefs, values, and intentions to achieve wholeness
• making continuous improvements
  
• re-connecting to my divine nature
• grateful for the journey so far
• going to bed at night contented and happy and waking each morning excited by the adventure of simply living

Pretty fucking good huh?

Chasing the Dream

Even though I don't actually care what other people think, when they say things that I still believe to be true, in my heart of hearts, it pushes my buttons.

If people had been saying that I torture kittens or drink my own piss I wouldn't have cared because I know it isn't true. But when people said that not having a diet plan and weighing myself meant I wasn't holding myself accountable, and that I had failed to reach my own goals I got upset. Mostly because I still believed that was true. So much so that I even logged back into Cruelty King and listed my breakfast yesterday morning.

The best part is that when things go bad and my old habits resurface I know that there is something that still needs healing. What is the belief, what have I agreed to that makes me react in this way?

Have I given up because it's too hard and I'm not tough enough?
Have I stopped being accountable?
Am I a failure because I don't weigh 55kg?

Here is the truth.

I have not given up anything only allowing myself love and acceptance when I reach a certain number on the scales. It is infinitely tougher to face the fact that I only feel happy when I am 'good', when I am trying to become like someone else. I am awakening to the realisation that my value lies inside me rather than in my conformity to the cultural myth of physical beauty.

I am more accountable than I ever was. Instead of following a plan written by another person, I am listening to the wisdom of my body. I can't make excuses like 'carb loading' and 'cheat meals' when I overeat processed food that makes me feel like shit. I don't know what my body really wants because I have been ignoring it for so long, so each meal is an opportunity to discover what works for me. I can't just eat the same thing day in and day out. I have to decide what and how much to eat and then notice how it makes me feel over time. It is constant attention, not stuffing McDonalds in my face while I sit on the couch.

Have I failed to meet my goal of weighing 55kg? Well, I have actually got there twice now, but it only made me continuously hungry and completely exhausted. I didn't feel healthy -- I was constipated, without a period, and in physical pain from my bones sticking out. I learned that looking like someone else didn't make me beautiful, peaceful or contented.

Am I envious of those who eat and train in the manner that allows them to compete? If envy means would I swap places then no. Do I feel admiration and respect? Of course I do because I know how much commitment that particular journey requires. I also know that for me the feeling of accomplishment didn't outweigh the pain.

It takes an equal amount of commitment and discipline to give all that away and focus on being healthy, happy and balanced. There is no 'off season' when it comes to facing the way I think, my beliefs and my identity. There is pain involved, but the feeling of progress, of continuous improvement and the sense that my hard work is transforming my reality is the most satisfying thing I have ever experienced. It makes going on a diet and chasing a scale number as significant as the colour I choose to paint my toenails.

How will I be remembered?
(a) Katie was always working hard at being in great shape. She worked her arse off in the gym, watched what she ate and looked amazing. She certainly knew how to get what she wanted.
(b) Katie always seemed to be happy. She had this beauty that glowed from the inside. Whenever you were with her, read what she wrote or looked at her photos you were given a glimpse of pure joy. She seemed different to other people because she saw life as wonderful, exciting and magical.

I now know for certain that my purpose lies beyond being working the hardest and looking the best. My purpose is to be different, not because I'm fitter, stronger and leaner than everyone else, but because my unique view of the world gives others a glimpse of the joy of simply being.

Why chase a dream, a goal, an outcome when this moment is as good as it could ever get? We already have all that it takes to have all that we want.

Wordless Sunday

Photos I took this afternoon on my walk. I am so blessed to live in such a beautiful place.

Beauty is Not How Skinny You Can Be

from We Are the Real Deal

Why Goal Setting is Harmful Part II

My post on the dangers of goal setting has struck a few nerves. If you interested in a blogtroversy (blogs+controversy - I'm clever at words you know LOL) then read this post and comments from Sue from Ideal Bodies Online, and this post and comments from Liz from The Fitness Solution.

I have been thinking about why the notion of goal setting doesn't work for me and I think there is more to consider.

The most important thing in my life is my husband Mr Katie. I would kill for him and die for him. He is my rock, my soul mate and the greatest source of happiness in my life. We have a wonderful relationship.

If I believed that the goal setting was the way to make significant and lasting improvements I would spend every Sunday afternoon planning how I am going to achieve/maintain a wonderful relationship with Mr Katie during the next 7 day.

1. Specific Goal = Mr Katie and I will have a wonderful loving relationship
2. Measureable = I will know we have a wonderful relationship because Mr Katie will give me 5 compliments, kiss me 14 times, do the washing up on Friday and shag me silly on Tuesday.
3. Actionable = I will be especially nice to him this week, I will make an effort to look beautiful, I will cook him dinner on Tuesday night (ergo he will want to shag me).
4. Realistic = He's never done the washing up on Friday before but I am making this a stretch/challenge goal
5. Timely = To be completed by the end of this week.

On Monday Mr Katie is particularly stressed at work and comes home in a foul mood and doesn't want to talk let alone kiss me or compliment me. I am nice to him but he is so wrapped up in his own problems he doesn't hear me.

On Tuesday I get sick. I have the flu and I stay home from work. My eyes are red, my nose is running and I spend the day in my stained and torn most comfortable track suit pants. I don't cook dinner because I can barely stand up and shagging is out of the question.

On Wednesday and Thursday I stay late at work to catch up on the work that I missed by being sick and Mr Katie's roster means he is in bed by the time I get home. We text each other during the day but we don't get to speak more than a few words.

On Friday night we are both exhausted from a huge week. We decide to go out to dinner on the spur of the moment and while Mr Katie is finishing off some things so he can go out with me, I do the washing up like I usually do.

On Saturday we get to hang out together. During the day have a heated debate about spirituality (he's an atheist and  I believe in a higher power), and spend most of our time in different rooms at opposite ends of the house. Occasionally we pass each other in the hallway or the kitchen and share some interesting thought that has just occurred to us.

On Sunday I sit down to check on my goals for the past week. I have missed every single one -- only 2 compliments, 7 kisses, he didn't do the washing up and we didn't shag. I wasn't always nice, I looked pretty ordinary when I was sick and I didn't cook him a meal.

My relationship is not as wonderful as I thought it was.

I know this is a bit silly but my story illustrates what happens when I apply the business model of performance goal setting to my relationship with my body. Let me say that again in case you missed it. I have a relationship with my body in the same way I have a relationship with my husband.

Goal setting is an artificial constraint that can distort my perception of reality. It would be completely logical to conclude that I had failed to improve my relationship with my husband for that week if I relied on the criteria I had set out in my plan. But you and I know that there is nothing wrong with my marriage.

When I am in a relationship I take the good with the bad. I love my husband unconditionally and I understand that his behaviour and his opinions doesn't alter the fact that he loves me. I know that I don't need to be beautiful or nice or the perfect wife to deserve his love. Neither of us has to change we just have to grow and learn together and be committed to never giving up.

So enough with the goals that prescribe how what I am going to 'do' this week/month/12 weeks to have my 'best body ever'. I am simply committed to being in a relationship with my body by growing, learning and never giving up.

What is Real?

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

The Velveteen Rabbit, by Margery Williams

10 Reasons Why Goal Setting is Harmful

Just say NO to this crap!

For decades goal setting has been promoted as the best way to amp up motivation and increase performance. It is as prevalent in the 'health and fitness' industry as it is in the corporate world. Advocates state that you won't achieve any success unless you have S.M.A.R.T (specific, measurable, a? can't remember actionable, realistic, timely) goals.

I disagree. The practice of performance based goal setting is harmful and dangerous and actually makes the process of growing, learning and evolving more difficult. Let's take weight loss (I want to weigh 55kg) as an example.

1.  Goals can focus attention so narrowly that people overlook other important features of a task
Seeing 55kg on the scale is my only focus. I don't notice what effect it has on my health, sleep patterns, sex drive and energy levels. 

2.  Goals focus on short-term targets at the expense of long-term growth
Seeing 55kg on the scale will be possible by x date if I lose 1 kg a week. I can't see that in the process of reaching that goal I am developing long term habits of exercise bulimia and starve/binge eating patterns.

3. Goals are ceilings rather than floors
Once my goal of 55kg is achieved I can relax, rest and pause. The extreme disciplined behaviour I employed to reach that weight is now too difficult to maintain after meeting my target.

4. Goals motivate risk taking
Reaching 55kg may involve the use of fat burners, colonics, laxatives, and water/salt manipulation.

5. Goals lure people into unethical behavior
I might declare that I've reached my goal by either cheating (hello steriods) or misrepresenting my actual performance level (it wasn't quite 55kg but I had a PMT/salty meal/carbs/DOMs which is only water and doesn't count)

6.  Goals inhibit learning
I will stick to the method of weight loss that has worked in the past. I am not likely to explore alternative methods of weight loss which may suit me better when I am pushing to reach my goal by a certain date.

7.  Goals increase competition and feelings of failure
I have reached my goal of 55kg but there are people who have lost weight quicker than I have, more than I have and look better than me. OR
I haven't reached my goal by my target date so I must be useless, worthless, lacking discipline and lazy (let's eat to numb the pain!).

8.  Goals push the stakes higher and higher
I have reached my goal of 55kg and now I need a new goal. It has to 'stretch' me so my next goal will be to lose another 5 kg by the time I run that marathon.

9.  Goals decrease intrinsic motivation
A goal is extrinsic (from without) and while I am focused on achieving my specific outcome I am not motivated by the intrinsic (from within) value of the process itself. I can't stay motivated unless I have the carrot dangling from the stick in front of me.

10. Goals justify excuses for failure in other areas of your life
I can't visit family, I can't go to the school fete with the kids, I can't function properly at work because I am on a diet right now.

So piss off the dangerous habit of goal setting by recognising that it is limiting you achieving your full potential. Striving to achieve a performance target is a fatally flawed method of motivation that causes more harm than good.

So, what would I like instead?

I set my intention to live each day with an open heart, focussed on gratitude, growth, learning and my personal evolution. There is no measurement of quantity/quality, there is no success or failure, and there is no finish line. I am simply aware of my thoughts and actions, evaluating how my choices and decisions impact on my head, heart and health.

A life filled with happiness, peace and joy is not reliant on being 'good enough', 'better/best' or 'taking action'.

Happiness is deeply and completely loving and accepting my uniqueness, individuality and my flawed vulnerability. I can simply 'be'.


Adapted from: Goals Gone Wild - the Systematic Side Effects of Over-Prescribing Goal Setting

Operation Beautiful

I don't know if you have heard of Operation Beautiful but the ladies at the Wh1te Sail5 A5ylum got some lovin' yesterday and it's still there today. All you need is a post it note and a bathroom mirror to make someone's day. Further stealth missions to both staff and patron bathrooms will be undertaken. Won't you join me in your corner of the world?

What is Your Likelihood of Weight Loss Success ~ Take this Quiz

Q: When someone offers you a piece of delicious caramel cheesecake with a serve of creamy ice-cream and dusted with chocolate shavings you say (truthfully) ...

(a) I can't eat it

(b) I shouldn't eat it

(c) I won't eat it

(d) I don't feel like it


RESULTS:

(a) I can't eat it because I'm on a diet | it's not on the plan | I have to lose weight
If your response is (a) it means that you are driven by an external motivation and a set of rules set by someone else. You have given your power to a book, a trainer, a weight loss corporation who is making your decisions for you. You will feel deprived and are counting down the days until your diet is over.

Likelihood of Success = 0-25%


(b) I shouldn't eat it because I'm on my diet | it's not on my plan | I need to lose weight
If your response is (b) it means you are driven by internal motivation and a set of rules you have adopted for yourself. You are a high achiever and rely on your willpower to keep you on track. You will feel constricted and will eventually rebel against your own rules because they crush your sense of individuality and freedom. You are counting down the days until you reach your goal.

Likelihood of Success = 25-50%


(c) I won't eat it because it will make me feel sick | is not very nutritious | will spike my blood sugar
If your response is (c) it means you are driven by internal motivation to be healthy. You enjoy the benefits of feeling physically wonderful through your healthy choices which will keep your motivation high. You will still struggle with psychological cravings for food you consider to be 'bad' and will be caught off guard when your defences are down through sickness, tiredness or lack of results. You are counting the days you have been eating clean/binge free.

Likelihood of Success = 50-75%


(d) I don't feel like it because I'm not hungry | I had some yesterday | it's too rich for me
If your response is (d) it means that you are living the life you always imagined. You enjoy the pleasures of food, but you genuinely prefer the healthy stuff most of the time. You can walk away from the cheesecake without a second thought because you didn't feel like it. You are free to eat it whenever you want, and you have discovered that you only feel like rich heavy food once in a while. You've forgotten to count anything except your blessings.

Likelihood of Success = 75-100%


Observe your language - are your statements filled with "I have to/can't" ~ "I should/shouldn't" ~ "I will/won't" ~ "I feel like/don't feel like"? Do a search of your own blog posts to see how often the words appear ...

Here's a sample from my own blog :

I become confused and stressed every time I have to make an eating decision

I should go back to my last year's competition diet because I was losing at least 0.5kg a week and I am not doing that now.

I refine my choices keeping in mind that my carbs shouldn't exceed 100-120g for the day

I don't feel like I have to eat everything I've missed on low carb today because I know I get to do this again next week.

How did you do??