Soul Searching

May I draw your attention to my training stats this morning. The result of more food and a new training program. I did weights + intervals and then steady state. It was hard but good. I feel amazing now.

It is clearly evident that I am not going to lose enough weight to compete in 6.5 weeks eating the way I am at the moment. I have a difficult choice to make. I can either reign it in and go strictly low carb, clean food, no cheats for the next 6 weeks or I can move the goal post to possibly competing in the All Females in July [after all I have a new bikini to wear at some point!].

This could be seen as a cop out, a failure or an inability to put in the hard work, but I remind you that my primary goal is not competing but to maintain a sub 60kg weight, not lose any muscle, have enough energy to train hard and to not binge. This sounds easier than stripping off weight aggressively for a competition but trust me it is not.

I know I can lose enough weight to compete (because I have already done it) but I have never been under 60kg for any length of time without an inevitable relapse and weight gain back up over 60kg.

I am happy that I fit into my pre-competition clothes. I am happy that I can smash myself in the gym and feel better afterwards, I am happy that I am eating food that gives me both fuel and pleasure. I am working as hard as I can to achieve my goal.

So I am probably out of the competition race for now, but I am definitely working my guts out to achieve my mission :
eating healthfully ~ exercising joyfully ~ living passionately

100 grams

Gaining 100g on the scales and forgetting to set my alarm and missing my training this morning has got me in a cranky mood. Totally irrational I know but the truth none the less.

The end.

Precariously Walking Down Stairs

Yay for me - I managed to eat 1700 calories without feeling guilty and still saw a fat loss on the scales this morning.

I have TADD [Training Attention Deficit Disorder] so I switched programs again today back to New Rules of Lifting for Women. This time I am determined to complete the whole program. It is basically a whole body workout three times a week [or in my case alternating days because it needs to fit in with my weirdo 8 day cycle].

The first phase looks so easy on paper - only 5 exercises - 2 x 15 reps each. Ah ... not so easy as you can tell by my average heart rate. Try doing 15 deadlifts and then look at your heart rate! I knew I had worked hard when my steady state slow jog saw my heart rate remain in the 150s and then I nearly fell down the stairs on the way out due to non-working leg muscles.

I cannot tell you how good I feel today after eating a decent amount of food yesterday. I have gone from the depths of misery and exhaustion to feeling strong and indestructible again. There is nothing that beats this feeling - especially when I am hopeful that I can feel like this everyday and still lose fat. And just a reminder that this is my 3rd day low carb (my carbs are still only around 100g per day) when I normally can't scrape myself off the floor.

Woo Hoo!!

If You Want it Sweet

I went back to bed yesterday morning instead of going to the gym and re-read Burn the Fat Feed the Muscle. I discovered that I might be setting up my cycles wrong.

I have been trying to make sure my average calories for the cycle (including both deficit days and re-feed days) add up to a number that is still an overall deficit. My original numbers of 1400 x 3 + 1800 x 1 added up to an average of 1500 calories a day.

The right way to do it is to be in a controlled deficit for 3 days and then eat at maintenance on refeed day.

Somewhat skeptical that eating even more calories than I am at present would speed up my fat loss, I stumbled upon a calorie calculating site that mentioned a term I have never heard before - Maximum Fat Calorie Expenditure

Maximum Fat Calorie Expenditure: One study found that body fat in humans can be converted to energy at a maximum rate of 31 calories per pound of actual body fat per day. Any energy you expend beyond this rate comes from your intake of nutrients and the breakdown (catabolysis) of your muscles. Weight loss in most people consists of about 75% FAT and 25% MUSCLE. Since we can calculate the actual amount of body fat in your body using your Body Fat Percentage (if given), we can determine the optimal calorie deficit to focus on FAT BURN instead of MUSCLE LOSS. To optimize your FAT BURN instead of MUSCLE LOSS, you should choose a deficit that does not exceed this value.

On further investigation I found an extremely interesting article by Lyle McDonald titled Determining the Maximum Dietary Deficit for Fat Loss.

Now, empirically and based on research, it’s well established that…

a. fatter individuals lose more fat and less lean body mass (LBM) than leaner individuals; and
b. bigger individuals lose weight more quickly

By corollary, smaller/leaner individuals not only lose total weight/fat at a slower rate, they lose a greater proportion of LBM.

It’s why those fat asses on “The Biggest Loser” can drop 8-10 lbs. a week, well at least for the first week (and some of that is certainly water, glycogen and clearing the shit out of their bowels), and someone at 12% bodyfat may struggle to drop one pound per week without sacrificing muscle.

****

Based on a somewhat simplified analysis of what data exists (including the seminal Minnesota semi-starvation experiment), they conclude that the maximal rate at which fat stores can provide energy to the body is 290 +- 25 kj/kg which is approximately 31 kcal/lb of fat per day.

So, if you are carrying a mere 10 lbs. of fat, you can sustain a 310 cal/day deficit.
20 lbs. = 620 calories.
30 lbs. = 930 calories

You get the idea and this is not difficult math. Multiply your total fat mass in pounds by 31, that’s how much of a caloric deficit that fat mass can support on a daily basis.

Now the calculations can get a bit complicated but the take home message for me is that my deficit has been way too big which is why I haven't had any change in my BF% for a number of weeks (keeping my fat and losing some of whatever else there is I'm made of).

Here is my complete profile:

Conclusion = eat more to prevent losing muscle and the will to live!!

Responsibility and Authority

There seems reluctance for some people to take responsibility for their own actions. There is always a reason outside of their control as to why something did or didn’t happen. I find this especially prevalent at work.

I encourage you to think about what taking responsibility means and how we should view it as a positive thing.

Being responsible for something or someone gives you the authority to make all the decisions. This gives you the power to make the changes that best serve you. This even applies to things that affect you that you weren’t responsible for in the first place.

If something goes wrong (there is rarely a reluctance to take responsibility for things that go right) you will find all manner of finger pointing. Take a risk and take ownership of the issue even if it wasn’t your decision that led to the catastrophe. Now you have given yourself the authority and power to make the changes that will benefit you.

Let’s apply this to our weight loss journey. There are many things that I can legitimately say are ‘not my fault’ or ‘I can’t control’. It might be as simple as following a prescribed diet or training protocol that someone you respect recommends to you. It could be travelling for work, an emotional upheaval (death, breakup, redundancy), or a physical illness. All of these external forces can negatively impact on how you think, what you eat and how you train.

But if you take responsibility for them, you give yourself authority to change the circumstances and banish the feeling of being victimised. You can control your situation by formulating a plan, and a backup plan to deal with nearly anything.

“My husband has left me and now I am alone. I am responsible for making sure that I get through this situation as undamaged as possible. Therefore I will continue to eat well but will treat myself to a nice meal with my girlfriends at least once a week. I will take advantage of not having to be home so much and go for a run in the evenings. I will book in a massage on days I know will be the most difficult for me. If my feelings start to overwhelm me and I find myself comfort eating, I will always get right back on track the very next meal.”

“I have been following the eating plan my nutritionist gave me but I haven’t lost any weight and I feel exhausted all the time. I am responsible for taking good care of myself so I will speak with my nutritionist about my concerns. I will go to the appointment with a list of questions I need answering and some changes I want to implement. Although I value her knowledge and experience, I am the one ultimately responsible for how I look and feel. If my new plan doesn’t work, I can always make different choices in the future.”

“My job is extremely demanding and I have to work away from home for the next few weeks. I am responsible for taking care of myself so I can continue to be a high achiever at work. I will request accommodation that has a kitchen and an on site gym. I will explain to my boss that I am unable to attend all of the scheduled work functions and find other networking opportunities. I will use this time away from my normal routine to read those fitness books I haven’t had time to look at. If the pressure of the job is more than I expect then I will make my goal to maintain my weight over this period rather than focusing on weight loss.”

What you are going to choose to be responsible for today?

Butter Cream Toffee is Good

Yesterday I had a mini meltdown. By 10am I was starving so I ate my morning tea. I was still hungry so I ate my afternoon tea which still didn't do it, so then I ate my lunch. After I had consumed my morning tea, lunch and afternoon tea in the space of an hour, I was actually quite content again.

Knowing that I had no more food to eat until dinner that night put me in worrying position. If I didn't eat anything all afternoon, I was likely to be ravenous when I got home and possibly make some bad food choices. So I decided that today would be my high calorie day and had some chicken sushi around 3pm when I was hungry again.

By day's end, I had eaten around 1800 calories and about 150g carbs. The scale spike is perfectly acceptable. Today I am going to try 'front loading' my day by still having my early morning oats even though I'm not training and then having a HUGE breakfast later on.

This morning I tried oat bran instead of rolled oats. I found this wonderful blog by Heather which has the best ideas for oaty goodness with my other favourite - nut butter. Oat bran has a better nutritional profile than oatmeal and it is lovely and creamy.

I have been incorporating the 'drop set' method into my training and it has been giving me major DOMs everywhere. This morning I can barely walk and my chest is still sore from Wednesday. The idea is that after you have done your working sets, pick up a lighter weight and lift until failure [don't even bother counting the reps - just keep going], then another lighter weight and then another lifting until you can't do anymore. Result = good ouch!

A Total Fruitcake

My bloating, gas and constipation issues are back with a vengeance. Thank god for Calorie King because I looked back on the week when I was super regular and analysed what I was eating. The only difference between that week and every other one was the exclusion of one of my favourite treats - the protein bar. For some reason I ran out so I was making my own protein snacks out of soy protein, ladybird crunch, peanut butter and maple syrup. When I went to Melbourne I found protein bars at the local supermarket, stocked up for convenience and have been eating them again ever since.

Popular reactions to protein bars is diarrhea from the sugar alcohols. I think that I am fine with sugar alcohols, but not fine with the whey protein they use. To complicate things, I have also been using whey protein powder in my pancakes lately because I have a tub of caramel fudge flavour that I love. I don't think I am lactose intolerant because I was still eating ricotta, cottage and Jarlsberg cheese during my 'pooping' week.

So from today, protein bars and whey protein are banned and soy protein and LB crunch are back on the menu.

I have to do something to get rid of this bulging stomach and terrible smells emanating from my nether regions. Does anyone else have digestive issues with whey?

Sleep Rest and Recovery

I am feeling much better today after spending yesterday lying on the couch watching DVDs. I must remember that when I feel revolting, that feeling amazing again is probably only 24 hours away.

Personal Best
Sometimes I get the impression that saying you are just aiming for your personal best means you don't have high enough goals or that you have self limiting beliefs. After all, anything is possible isn't it?

I worry about girls whose measure of success is looking like somebody else. To look like the amazing winners of figure and fitness competitions you need to start with their genetic body shape and personal history.

We seem to forget that Miss Perfect Body has never been overweight so she is not going to have loose skin or stretch marks. We forget that she doesn't have a full time, stressful job, children to care for or is installing a new kitchen. Miss Perfect Body doesn't have to buy her supplements because her sponsors give them to her and she also has a little (or a lot) of pharmaceutical help.

All I can do is the best with what I've got and who I am right now. It is not an excuse. I will never have long lean limbs like Shelley or fuck'n huge muscles like Fern. I will never have skin that hasn't accommodated size 18 thighs. At this moment, I am unable to exclusively eat lean meat and veggies without my deprivation brain triggering a binge.

Of course I would look better and be more competitive if I have an inner thigh lift, breast implants and trained twice a day. I would compete in better condition if I stopped working completely and put myself in an environment where there were no distractions. I would look better if I stopped eating ice cream and caramello koalas.

But the sad fact is, I will never look like Miss Perfect Body no matter how hard I try. Having that as my dream means I will always be disappointed.

So instead I will be the best I can be with what I have been given, and with what I am willing to sacrifice. I'm giving it my best shot - and that's a huge achievement for me.

No Other Words to Describe It

I feel like shit today - it took me ages to get to the gym because I kept thinking I was going to throw up. My cardio session was very ordinary and I couldn't seem to get my heart rate up.

I have other physical symptoms that are bothering me - the joints of my fingers are really sore, I am constantly thirsty, I get dizzy if I stand up too fast, my legs keep going to sleep when I sit for long periods, I am always freezing and my reproductive hormones have gone to shit.

Dr Google says I might be suffering from overtraining. Solution = rest up for a few weeks. Um ... not going to happen ... I might just look cutting back a little. Oh and I am taking the day off work. Not the best philosophy - train yourself into the ground and make yourself too sick to go to work - but I never said I was balanced or rational!!

BFFM Cycle Weigh In - 54 Days to Comp

I am happy that my weight seems to be steadily going down at last. My goal is to lose 3.5 kg in the next 7 weeks. My present nutrition plan historically hasn't delivered those kind of results but I am going to give it my best shot. My body is looking pretty good considering I still have some way to go [and considering I used to weigh over 80kg].

Katie's Little Helpers

I reached an all time low this morning even after resting and increasing my calories.

This is my new supplement, which is no miracle pill but is helping get over the 'bumps'. I have stopped taking creatine too to see if that helps with all the water I seem to be holding.

Data and Knowledge

Collecting and analysing data is worthless unless you turn that data into meaningful knowledge. I have been pouring over my numbers for the last three weeks and it appears I have started to lose lean body mass rather than fat.

I consulted the Bible and Tom says

When you lose LBM and your body fat does not decrease at all or increases this usually means your metabolism has slowed down and you are burning up muscle for energy; you are no longer in fat burning mode. Losing lean mass means you need to eat more to stimulate your metabolism. Severely restricting your calories below the recommended levels will always result in a loss of muscle mass.

So once again I search for the number of calories I should be eating [I adjusted my BF% because I think my scales are generous but I kept the targeted 5% relative adjustment].

So let's say 2200 is maintenance and I am averaging 1600 calories a day (600 under maintenance) and burning 500 calories a day - I am in a calorie deficit of 1100 calories a day or taking in a net calorie total of only 1100 calories which is only 50% of what I need to maintain.

So long story short, I am going to increase my cycle calories to 1550/1950 to give me an average of 1650 per day and see if I can't kick start the fat loss again. This is still under the above recommended estimated daily caloric need for weight loss but I am taking baby steps and going up in small increments.

I must keep reminding myself that this is about maintaining my muscle at any cost, even if I don't get to my scale weight goal in time for the May competition. Part of me really wants to spend the last 8 weeks on a 'strict contest diet' but muscle is too hard to come by to throw it all away just to hit some pre-conceived number on the scale.

Keep Your Hands Off

I am trying a new supplement to help with my energy and hunger issues. It is too early to tell after just one day but what I can tell you is that I have just run for 25 minutes straight after a leg workout without a pre-workout meal. Woo Hoo!

I ♥ Tom and Sean

Sean O'Malley

I ♥ both of them so much I want to marry them ...

Energy and Appetite Suppression?

I read other competitors blogs and they refer to supplements that give them energy to train and/or stops them feeling so hungry. I am wondering what these magic pills/potions are.

I am struggling big time with my hunger and energy levels and feel I could do with a little help. If anyone can give me specific details of these supplements (available in Australia) I would be most grateful.

Otherwise my future plans will most likely include lying on the couch whilst chewing off my own arm ...

Don't you take sh*t from nothing or no-one

The scales are moving in the right direction but something weird is going on with my BF%. I might be less hydrated than normal because I haven't been drinking as much water as usual as I am not in my normal work environment.

I am shattered today so I decided to have a rest day.

Melbourne is very cold and I am freezing my arse off. It is difficult being at a conference where they serve morning, lunch and afternoon tea when you are somewhat hungry. There is something about missing out on free food that makes you feel deprived.

Last night there was a delegates dinner but I had to skip it. I couldn't deal with having to resist large portions and dessert. I stayed in my apartment and watched TV instead.

My body is looking more and more unrecognisable every day. I see bones sticking out. Sometimes this is a very lonely and strange path to choose.

Share the Joy

For some reason when I start to visibly drop body fat and to move from Stage 2 to Stage 3 I get frightened.

I am not really sure what I am frightened of. Why do I feel fear at the time when I am seeing the most changes?

Fear is anxiety about what the future will bring. I think about the worst things that could happen to me.

I fear that people will think I have an eating disorder, that people will think I look unattractive or that I have some sick and strange obsession with my looks.

I also fear that I will love being thin so much that I will only be happy when I am losing more and more weight, or that I will be so hungry that I go on a massive binge and find myself unable to stop. I fear that it will take too long and I won't make it or that I'll lose too much weight and just look stringy and scrawny. I fear that I will be cold and in pain from my bones sticking out. I fear that I will get sick.

So this is me facing the fear and staring it down. I cannot predict what the future will hold. It won't be the same as last time because I am a different person doing it differently. All I have is right now to enjoy the way I eat, train and live and to feel proud of the body I see in the mirror. IF things change, I can either accept what is happening, or deal with the situation.

"Fuck off fear - today I look and feel great and I am not changing a thing because of you. See me sprinting on the treadmill - that's me running you down!!"

I am not interested in just feeling fit and fabulous for just one day this year, my goal is to feel fantastic about the way I look every single day.

And I am definitely achieving that goal. Everything else I'll deal with later if I need to.

Digging the Claws In

The concept of the cheat/treat/free/re-feed meal or day is discussed often around weight loss circles. There are whole diet plans based on 5-6 days of perfect low calorie or low carb eating and 1-2 days 'off'. Or the 90% rule which gives you room to eat whatever you want at some point.

As those of you who have been following a long for a while may know, I am not too good at knowing when to stop on my carb re-feed day and if I go too long feeling deprived, I just binge.

Here are my guidelines for having a high calorie/free day.

(1) Use all your calories in one meal. Don't add small amounts of treats all through the day as it just makes you want more and sometimes you lose a grip on when to stop. If you use all your extra calories up in one sitting, it means the rest of the day is just 'normal'.

(2) Don't wait until dinner for your high calorie meal especially if you are normally starving at dinner. (a) you won't have an opportunity to use up the extra calories, and (b) you won't have an opportunity to cut back anywhere else in the day without risking ravenous hunger.

(3) Have your high calorie meal at lunch or afternoon tea after eating lightly or normally before it. If it is the weekend I get up later than normal and have my normal breakfast, go to the gym and then go out for my meal. I have already skipped my pre-workout meal and morning tea and after a huge lunch I don't need afternoon tea either.

(4) Train hard before you eat your special meal. If you are going to bombard your body with carbohydrates you can at least hope some of them head straight for your glycogen depleted muscles. Plus you feel less guilty because you have already expended some extra calories.

(5) Eat fat, protein and carbs - don't try to leave one out because you will not be satisfied. Have the creamy chicken pasta or full fat cheese on your meat lovers pizza and have your dessert with full fat ice cream.

(6) Eat the whole portion - even if you are getting a bit full just keep going. It is better to be a bit stuffed than to feel hungry again a couple of hours later. Eat a main meal and then dessert. Don't save your dessert for afternoon tea or the sugar crash will have you snacking on everything in sight for the rest of the day.

(7) Savour every single mouthful. Concentrate on the taste and texture of your chosen food. See this meal as a way to pamper yourself and remind yourself that you deserve the pleasure of food when you plan for it and earn it.

(8) Make sure it is the best version of your favourite food you can get. Have the best fish and chips in town and the best bakery mud cake. Don't settle for a Big Mac, an apple pie and a caramel sunday unless you actually see them as gourmet food.

(9) Eat with someone you love. Especially if they have to put up with your whinging and cringing around food the rest of the time. Tell your loved one how much it means to you to have their support and that you are so happy you can have a proper meal with them some of the time.

(10) Forget the calories. Don't try to estimate the weight of the food so you can go home and log it in Calorie King. Just pick a round number (1,000 calories) and add that on at the end of the day.

So yesterday I did each and every one of my suggestions. When I left the house at 1pm for lunch at the pub I had eaten 323 calories and burnt 600 in the gym. Mr Katie had chicken parmigiana and I had fried baby potatoes with cheese, bacon and sour cream washed down with a single rum and diet coke [my first alcoholic drink since July last year]. On the way home I got a slice of caramel cheesecake from the Italian cafe which I ate at home with a scoop of Homer Hudson ice cream.

It was all freaking delicious, filling and satisfying. I didn't even think about dinner until about 8pm and then I just had some sugar free oat biscuits and sugar free ice cream.

The best way to have a re-feed day indeed.

In a Rush

I am flying to Melbourne early this morning and won't have time to post after I've been to the gym.

My weight spiked 1kg after a great day of re-feed eating yesterday, but I am happy as this is the first time my spike has stayed under 60kgs.

Check back tonight for a proper post with a full update.

BFFM Cycle Weigh In - 62 Days to Comp

Hello 58's
Last Sunday morning I woke up after eating 4,000 calories the day before and saw 62.8 kgs on the scales. One week later I am 4 kilos lighter. Do I need any more proof that that the scales are a complete mind fuck!!

I have 'lost weight' Bigger Loser style this week. How did I do it?

(a) my starting weight was artificially increased by the quantity of food/water/sodium I was still carrying from the day before
(b) I was unknowingly pre-menstrual - my period arrived yesterday two and a half weeks late
(c) I changed my diet during the week by avoiding salicylate containing foods - tomato, sweet potato, zucchini, capsicum, eggplant, deli meat, herbs and spices, vinegar, and litres of tea
(d) I pooped 1-2x every day last week as a result of my dietary changes

Rapid weight loss is rarely rapid fat loss. I am just happy that I am back on track either staying the same or losing fat every 4 day cycle.

Here I am in my skinniest jeans. Izzy is giving me posing coaching by making sure my hips are in the right place.

Here's an arm

And here's some abs

With 8 weeks still to go.

GOT to stop swearing

I am so pleased and happy that Mr 60's has finally left town. He has been hanging around all week driving me crazy telling me that the 50's and I were never meant to be together, that it was so much more comfortable and familiar being with him again, and that I didn't deserve the 50's because I was a fat, weak, undisciplined wreak who has never managed to remain faithful to the 50's in the past.

Shelley (who is online again folks!) chose the perfect anthem for today ...

Am I ever going to see your face again - no way, get fucked, fuck off!

[oops sorry Rene - I don't even know who Net Nanny is but I am sort of secretly glad I pissed her off]

60's are gone for good this time. I am strong and determined and no stupid number is going to dictate my future.

"The difference between the impossible
and the possible lies in a
person's determination."
- Tommy Lasorda

And Another Thing ...

When you are completely pissed off with always being hungry ...

Put on your skinniest size 8 non-stretch jeans that only fitted 2 weeks out from last competition ...

Put on a padded bra, a fitted white singlet and a tight stretch button up top leaving half the buttons undone ...

Look in the mirror at the smooth line above the waistband [no muffin top], your flat stomach, the gap between your legs and the definition in your arms you can see even through your top

And shout ...

Fuck you Stupid Scales

... and then go to work looking HOT

Stoney, Boney and Lonely

Sorry folks - I've got nothing today. Same old diet, same old training, same old issues.

If you want to read something much more interesting than this, head over to Leigh Peele's new site

Maths is for Nerds Anyway

There are two or maybe three stages in a figure or fitness competitor's life. The first (for some) is how you look off season, especially if you've overdone it. You don't like the way you look in your clothes and you like the way you look naked even less. Your beautiful muscles are covered in fat and your arms look like sausages.

Once you start to lose the fat, you reach the second stage where you look good. You have a shoulder and bicep sweep in your arms even without flexing, your stomach is flat and your arse looks good in jeans. You look great in clothes, and OK naked but you would never dream of standing on stage with that much fat on your legs and arse.

The third stage is when you start to look scrawny and skinny in your clothes. Your chest bones show through your skin, your boobs have disappeared and all your clothes are on the big side. You can't find anything small enough to fit and all your stretch t-shirts and training singlets hang straight down. You look terrible in your clothes but you look amazing naked in the mirror. You can see your abs, your hip bones and veins running up your arms and stomach. You can now stand on stage in a bikini and feel proud.

The problem is getting past the point where stage 2 turns into stage 3. This is especially true if you are 'away from' motivated - your motivation to get lean is because you hate feeling fat. The less fat you feel the less motivated you are.

Suddenly the compliments you have been getting about how good you look turn into people commenting that you are too skinny. When you tell them you have 5 kilos to go, they look at you like you are mad or have some eating disorder. You feel like you are chasing a goal that is extreme and possibly completely unnecessary. In fact, the more weight you lose, the worse you look in the eyes of your friends, your partner and the general population. It sometimes feels like a lonely ride.

I have no miracle solution to this dilemma, other than to name it and recognise it so that when self sabotaging thoughts occur, I know where they are coming from. To the rest of the world I may be working towards being unnaturally thin, but in order to achieve my dream of being in the best condition of my life, I need to go where most people never venture - the cold and bony state of competition lean.

At Any Cost

Today I have been thinking about the projects I am working on in 2009. You might think of them as goals but I am not fond of the word because it implies that once you reach your goal then the work is over. My projects are more like ongoing targets.

But for simplicity, let's refer to them as goals.

My main goal is (in present, positive tense):

~I am effortlessly maintaining my weight sub 60.0kg and my body fat between 7kg and 8kg~

With a goal that is connected to physical appearance it is easy to slip into 'at any cost' thinking. If fat loss was my only goal, then I could easily achieve it through fair means or foul. In my dim dark past (2005) I have done just this. I have stayed under 60kg by eating 1,000 calories a day and doing cardio morning and afternoon. I was in living hell.

It would be like having a goal of making a million dollars, and then robbing a bank. Achieving your goal 'at any cost' is not going to bring happiness or a sense of achievement.

So my goal has the words 'effortlessly maintaining' included to deter me from the chicken breast and broccoli strategy. At the same time, I also need to think about the reasons why this is important - or what will be the result of being successful in this pursuit.

But my project for 2009 includes more than one goal, I have checkpoints or sub goals along the way. I am working on
* competing in a figure competition at some point in 2009
* always keeping my calories under 2,500, treating food with restraint and my body with respect (the positive version of no bingeing!)
* living passionately and having enough energy to train
* re-gaining weight post comp in the same way I lost it - through controlled eating and training

Now I have a complete strategy that ensures that I achieve my main goal by my chosen route.

All I need to add in is how I am going to do it and who is going to help me. I have made a goal map that lays it out visually. (click on the image for a larger version)

What are your goals for this year, and has your slower than expected progress led you to thinking about getting there at any cost?

Goal Map template and instructions here

Pick Your Ass Up

I admit I am a little down this morning as this is the first time since committing to competition prep that I've posted a gain at the end of a cycle (see side bar -->). It would appear that I have gained almost 0.5kg of fat.

I am hopeful that this is just another case of the scales playing stupid games, because when I add up my food and exercise last week (including the binge) I only averaged 1949 calories per day before I take off the 413 calories of exercise. That is a net intake of 1536 calories a day. Surely that can't possibly be 500 calories a day over maintenance?

I wish calories in/out was an exact science. It would be wonderful if you could hook yourself up to a device every morning which told you exactly how many calories you needed for the day and as you moved, trained and ate it made the precise adjustments. At the end of the day you could see your deficit/surplus and where exactly the deficit/surplus was being made up from (fat or LBM).

As that fantasy is not going to come true, I guess I just have to have confidence ~ full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing.

Are We Twins?

Yesterday I didn't eat any vegetables at all. Probably not a good long term strategy but I was interested to see if it made a difference.

I can still have beans, cabbage, lettuce, peas, potato, bean sprouts, brussels sprouts, cauliflower, asparagus, leek, onion and small amounts of beetroot, carrot, tomato, mushrooms, pumpkin and corn but I need to avoid my staples of eggplant, cucumber, fresh spinach, sweet potato, capsicum, and zucchini (which are the only vegetables in the fridge at the moment!)

This morning my stomach is flat and soft rather than hard and distended and I had a decent pooh bowel movement.

I have been drinking chamomile tea instead of green tea and although I miss the caffeine, chamomile tea is very soothing (good for my A type personality). Interestingly, both peppermint tea and licorice tea, recommended for digestive calming, are full of salicylates.

My weight is slowly getting back to normal thank goodness. Although I pretended not to weigh myself on Sunday I couldn't resist and witnessed a 3kg gain. It is important point to note that this doesn't mean I gained 3kg of fat in one day even though I ate about 4,000 calories (yes I logged my food).

You can't undo weeks of good work in one single day, so whatever you do, don't give up after a binge and keep eating because you think "fuck it, what does it matter, I overeat on one day and I am right back where I started".

Someone once said you are only 48 hours away from fixing any damage you've done to your weight loss efforts. In my case it may take 72 hours but I am expecting to be back to pre-binge weight by tomorrow. And I didn't starve myself or exercise to exhaustion to do it. I just went straight back to my nutrition plan.

Don't throw all your effort away because you had a momentary brain fart. Keep going ... whatever you do ... keep going.

Message from Shelley

"I'm just taking a week off public blogging and keeping my thoughts private this week I've got a job to do and at this stage would rather keep my blog private so there's no outside influence or distraction and I can keep focused.

I've been cruising for a couple of weeks but it's time to put the pedal to the metal. I'm still writing daily and will open again maybe next week.

I know I'd get support not judgment but I feel this is something that I need to do alone. I need to prove this to myself and no one else.

I really am fine, not down in the dumps, just working on some self esteem issues."

Not Sweating It

Charlotte had a post yesterday that linked to an interesting article about food intolerance. It got me thinking about all the bloating and constipation I deal with when I switch to a contest diet and increase my intake of vegetables, herbs/spices, nuts (peanut butter) and green tea. It seems that my diet is very high in the plant hormone Salicylates [Salicylates Food List].

I have always had the least digestive issues when I go super low carb and have limited vegetables. So today I am replacing some of my nut and vegetable carbs with whole grains. I had real butter on my pancakes this morning - it was damn good (I know butter is a bad fat and nut butter is a good fat but whatever!). I'm ditching the cinnamon and not smothering everything I eat in coriander and dill. It will be interesting to see what happens.

Makes Us All Feel Human

I know I'm banned from blogging today because of my errant behaviour yesterday but I have just designed a new spreadsheet to track my statistics. I was sick of typing out all the minute detail every day and I hate the putrid green colour of the CK screen shot.

I am just quickly posting this week's totals because I am starting a new week tomorrow.

PS: I was back on plan today and stuck to my normal calorie allowance ... phew! Yesterday is over and done with and I'm moving on.

This Blog Temporarily Closed

The owner of this blog is hereby notified that all of her blogging privileges are suspended.

Yesterday she indulged in binge like behaviour and although only moderate amounts of food were consumed, she continued to eat until she was over full and uncomfortable. At present, she is completely unrepentant and refuses to (a) list her transgressions (b) get on the scales this morning or (c) write an overindulgent post beating herself up for letting herself and everyone else down.

She is quite convinced that although her behaviour isn't something to be celebrated, that she learned a valuable lesson. Not only has she been reminded that too much food makes her feel like shit but that what she though she was missing is not worth missing at all.

Normal blogging is scheduled to return tomorrow.

It's a Mind Fuck

Post upon post and article upon article has been written about the best exercise and the best diet to get whatever body shape you imagine you will be happy with. People defend their view of the optimal strategy with religious fervour and spend a great deal of time trying to convert others to their righteous path.

In all honesty, anything works. Especially if you have a decent amount of fat to lose. You can drink your shakes, eat unprocessed organic food or live off Lean Cuisine. You can take long walks first thing in the morning, you can lift light/medium/heavy weights in your lunch break or you can do stair sprints before/after or during dinner. Whatever you decide to do will give you a positive result. You'll get fitter, stronger and the scales will drop.

Relatively, that is the easy part. The hard part is in your head and it something that is given little attention by comparison. There are few optimal strategies preached by experts when it comes to getting your mind right. And without this third leg of the tripod, the whole structure will collapse.

So I present my thoughts on thoughts. I have related these to entering a figure competition because it is the fat loss process amplified. Hopefully, non-competitors trying to get lean will find food for thought (pun intended) here as well.

1. Why am I competing?

(a) Figure Competitions are a sporting event. I have been fit and athletic all my life and I have natural ability (good genetics) that gives me a good chance of placing. I have an off season where I build muscle and a competition season where I reduce my body fat to extreme levels in order to be competitive in this arena. I equally accept both the lean and the heavy versions of myself as part of the cycle of training and competing. I never really see myself as fat/thin, just bulking or cutting.

(b) Figure Competitions are an incentive to finally see how lean I can get. With a public commitment to competing with a fixed deadline, I am motivated to be consistent with my nutrition and training. Exhaustion, hunger and pain are endured because the reward of standing on stage in the best condition of my life will be worth it. Once I've lost all that weight, I am keeping it off for good. There is no way I'm undoing all my hard work.

(c) Figure Competitions are enormous fun. I am inspired to be the best I can be with all my physical limitations (age, stretch marks, and loose skin). For one special day I get to be a princess with a handmade costume, pretty jewelry, a gorgeous tan, sexy high heels, perfectly manicured hands, and professionally done hair and makeup. I know I can't stay competition lean all the time, but I want to stay pretty close to it. If dancers and Pauline can stay in shape all year round then I'm going to give it my best shot.

How am I going to do it?

(a) I have a Coach who guides me through my training and nutrition process. I put my trust fully in his/her program and follow it rigorously. I expect to have good days and bad days, but this is the sport of have chosen and I will put in the hard yards no matter what. If I have to do cardio twice a day and eat nothing but lean chicken and green veggies for a number of weeks then that's OK because I know this only happens while I am cutting. I get to eat more than enough in the off-season.

(b) I have a Coach who is another avenue of accountability. If I do exactly what my Coach says, I am guaranteed to get to the goal of being as lean as I can possibly be. Sometimes I get so hungry and tired that I cheat a bit, but I always make sure I do extra cardio or cut my calories the next day to compensate. I have to get to my goal no matter what happens. I have already planned my competition day food and my post comp meal and I can't wait for that day to come. I will stop eating bad food the very next day and go back to my diet. I know my Coach wants me to slowly put the weight back on, but I'm not going to do it. I'm planning on keeping the body I've earned through blood, sweat and tears.

(c) I am doing this by myself. I need to figure out what works for my lifestyle, my tastes and my enjoyment. I understand that I need to put in hard work to lose weight, but I will devise my own strategy based on what is sustainable for the long term. I will eat the way I intend to eat forever, but just a little less. I will train the way I intend to train forever, but I will train a little harder. If I get too miserable, sick and tired I will make corrections to my plan. I will make it to the stage in the best shape I can be while making sure everything else in my life doesn't suffer as a consequence. If life gets in the way or things don't go to plan, I can always do another competition or be the leanest back stage slapper you've ever seen! I know that having to prep for a few more weeks than expected is perfectly achievable because I am doing it the 'easy' way.

What happens afterwards?

(a) Post comp meal and a week off then straight back into heavy training once the season is over [I'll probably do a few shows back to back especially if I qualify for bigger shows]. My Coach will let me know the areas I need to work on and I will spend my time devoted to improvement. I will blow out a bit with my eating, but this is normal and factored into my plan. Coach knows me well enough to get me back on the straight and narrow.

(b) I just can't stop eating. All the things I have missed for months taste so good and make me feel so good I can't resist any more. I always plan to get back to my diet tomorrow, but the thought of going through all that agony all over again makes me want to cry. But I have to do something - I've blown up like a balloon. It will take me weeks to get rid of all this weight I've stacked on in such a short time. Maybe I'm just destined to be fat. I can't let anyone see me like this because I look terrible. I am such a failure.

(c) I have increased my calories and cut back a bit on my training and the weight is creeping back on slowly. I am continuing to weigh myself daily, log my food and track my calorie burn so I have feedback on what is working and what is not. I haven't needed to eat all the things I've been missing because I have been eating chocolate and ice cream all the way along. I know I won't be perfect but I have a new goal I have committed to that helps me stay on track. I am making stabilising at my ideal weight my next challenge. And so far, I am doing rather well. Every day I discover something new about this new phase of my life.

Obviously I was a (b) and I am aiming to be a (c) this time round. The external circumstances haven't changed just the way I think about it and my subsequent behaviours. As my good friend Fern said this morning ... it's all about our minds.

Walkin' the Knives Edge

Weight : 14.2% ~ 8.48/51.22 = 59.7 kg
Training : Shoulders
Time : 1 hour 8 min ~ Calories : 322 ~ AHR : 103 bpm (59%)
Next target : 3 April : 11.8% ~ 6.80/50.8 = 57.6 kg

Piss poor effort in the gym this morning. I didn't even break out a sweat. No energy again ...

Unplanned breakfast this morning with Mr Katie of salmon quiche and lentil salad. I was meant to be saving myself for dinner out tonight but couldn't resist.

I am off to buy some of these cute pocket scales today to keep in my handbag.

>Readout in grams, ounces, pennyweight or troy ounces
>Hand-held design
>protective display box
>Stainless steel platform included
>Measures up to 200g
>100g weight included for calibration
>Auto shut off function
>Low battery indicator
>2 x CR2032 Batteries included
>Unit Size 96(L) x 62(W) x 18(H) mm
>Weight 77 Grams

Diagnosis Dr Blogland

Consider the following symptoms ...

- period 10 days overdue
- no weight loss
- bouts of nausea and dizziness
- no energy
- increased hunger
- bloating
- mood swings
- contraception = withdrawal method

And the answer is __________________

I know you have all been thinking it, and so have I.

So I peed on a stick this morning.

And the result is ....







NEGATIVE

*cries with relief*

So the real diagnosis is not eating enough feck’n food to fuel your intense training and lifestyle.

The G-Flux

Weight : 14.7% ~ 8.82/51.18 = 60.0 kg
Training : Legs + 25 min jog
Time : 1 hour 22 min ~ Calories : 573 ~ AHR : 124 bpm (70%)
Next target : 3 April : 11.8% ~ 6.80/50.8 = 57.6 kg

Feeling a lot better with the extra calories. I don't know if it will be enough to make me lose fat when added to my high calorie day, but I am happy to just take a pause at the moment.

Apparently some experts say that if you increase your calories and increase your energy expenditure you find it easier to lose fat. They call it G-Flux.

G-Flux is not about simply “eating more to boost metabolism”. Flux means flow and we’re talking about energy flow into and out of the body. So G-Flux covers both the intake and expenditure sides of the equation.

In essence, G-Flux is about exercising more so that you can eat more and all the while improve metabolism, lean mass and body fat %.

At this point, let’s get real practical. There are essentially 2 steps to increasing G-Flux:

Step 1 – Increase calorie expenditure through specific exercise strategies that include a mix of strength training, interval exercise, and low intensity exercise/cardio.

Step 2 – Increase calorie intake to
a) Match this energy expenditure if you want to maintain your weight yet improve your body comp
b) Fall just below energy expenditure if you want to lose weight while improving metabolism and lean mass
c) To exceed energy expenditure if you want to gain weight while improving body comp

G-Flux is pretty much that simple!

Read more ...

Thx for Sharing

Weight : 14.7% ~ 8.83/51.27 = 60.1 kg (wrong way fuckwit!)
Training : Back + interval sprints 25 min
Time : 1 hour 25 min ~ Calories : 586 ~ AHR : 121 bpm (69%)
Next target : 3 April : 11.8% ~ 6.80/50.8 = 57.6 kg

It feels like my body is shutting down. I have no energy, no period and my other bodily functions have stopped working as well (if you know what I mean).

I was reminded by the wise and wonderful Shelley last night that my goal is to get lean without sacrificing my enjoyment of life. If I don't have enough energy to train, then I am going to start hating it, get injured or just not perform as well as I'd like.

So Shelley suggested I add an additional small pre-workout meal on training days of oats and protein powder which will increase my daily calories by 200.

What have I got to lose? Worse case I will gain back some fat or stay the same and feel much better. Best case I will start losing again and feel much better.

It was good advice. This morning I ate my oats and powder at 5.00am and started training at 6.00am. I felt strong and powerful in the gym (the last time my average heart rate was higher than 120 bpm was 24 Feb after a carb up). I thrashed my intervals because I wasn't crippled by hunger pains. Walking home I felt energised by my workout rather than exhausted. I don't even really feel that hungry for breakfast.

My message from the Universe was spookily accurate last night

Haven't I always shown up with the right idea, at the right time, to spin your head and rock your world, when you least expected it, Katie?

Give yourself this rest you've earned.

You're my butterfly,
The Universe

I love to eat

Weight : 14.3% ~ 8.58/51.42 = 60.0 kg
Training : Chest + 20 min run
Time : 1 hour 23 min ~ Calories : 525 ~ AHR : 116 bpm (66%)
Next target : 3 April : 11.8% ~ 6.80/50.8 = 57.6 kg

Last night I came dangerously close to a binge. I never know when to stop once I start eating carbs -- I could just keep eating and eating. I ended up having 200 calories more than I planned with some sugar free oatmeal cookies and an extra skinny cow. In hindsight I should have spent those calories on oats and protein powder instead ...

I am proud that I stopped at that extra meal and that I continued to log everything. Trust me, it could have been a hell of a lot worse.

I honestly feel sometimes that I am getting nowhere. I work so hard in the gym and limit myself to a measly 1400 calories a day [possibly lower than my BMR] 6 days out of 8. The fat should be melting off me but it is not.

I read an interesting article about eating clean vs. eating what you enjoy. It seems that for some people it is better (i.e. prevents bingeing) to eat what you love as long as you keep to your calorie targets and get enough protein.

I soon found that in theory, a calorie is just a calorie. If calories can be controlled, it doesn’t make an iota of difference as to what effects they will have on body composition. When I say calories I am more so referring to energy calories such as carbohydrates and fat. Of course protein is required to maintain lean body mass, but once a certain minimum of protein is met, the other calories are simply used for energy.

I began controlling my calories but allowing myself to eat the foods I was craving more often. For instance instead of a boring chicken breast and brown rice I had a few slices of pizza and then a protein shake to meet my protein requirements. For breakfast I would eat the same amount of carbs in the form of sugary cereal as opposed to plain oatmeal. I did this for a couple of months to gather my thoughts and collect data. What did I discover? Food choices do not make a difference at all as long as calories are controlled. A calorie is a calorie. I also lowered my meal frequency to about 2-3 meals a day instead of 6-8. This allowed for better satiety with each meal. I found that I no longer had the urge to binge anymore.

Read the whole article at JCD Fitness

BFFM Cycle 18 Weigh In - 74 Days

Cycle 2 : Fat: 10.25 LBM: 52.25
Cycle 4 : Fat: 10.12 LBM: 51.58
Cycle 6 : Fat: 9.70 LBM: 51.70
Cycle 8 : Fat: 9.49 LBM: 52.11
Cycle 10 : Fat: 9.18 LBM: 52.2
Cycle 12 : Fat: 9.32 LBM: 51.58
Cycle 14 : Fat: 9.15 LBM: 51.05
Cycle 16 : Fat: 8.91 LBM: 50.89
Cycle 18 : Fat: 8.48 LBM: 51.22

diet details

Training : Advanced Figure Training (A) + 10 min sprint intervals
Time : 1 hour 18 min ~ Calories : 517 ~ AHR : 119 bpm (68%)
Next target : 3 April : 11.8% ~ 6.80/50.8 = 57.6 kg

Undeserved spike this morning *sigh*. But as long as I am steadily losing fat each week (8 days) I am making progress. The squeaky annoying voice in my head keeps telling me I need to go 'hard core' and start dropping weight more quickly but the sane voice reminds me that there will always be other competitions and I am not willing to suffer months of post-comp bingeing because I switched on starvation brain.

I also read a great post from Jen yesterday regarding the whole 'food for fuel' thing.

Earlier this week, a co-worker was going on (and on, and on) about how he sees food as fuel and doesn't really care that much about eating. For a second, I thought, "wow, wouldn't that be nice," but then I thought how sad it really would be.

Food as fuel, if you're taking it literally, means it doesn't matter what you eat as long as it sustains your energy and is relatively nutritious. Enjoying fixing and eating a nice meal would go out the window. The satisfaction I feel when I find a really terrific restaurant where the cook put some thought and care into food preparation -- gone.

I love food and want to enjoy it. Though I've spent a lot of time dieting, one good thing it did for me was to break me out of my food ruts. I found a lot of great new recipes in my healthy food cookbooks, and I finally learned to love vegetables. It's been a revelation to me. But I found these new things because of my love of food, not despite it.

Do you adore the smell, taste and texture of food and look forward to each meal or have you decided that food is merely 'fuel' and just eat without much enjoyment or delight??

Be the spark, especially when it's dark

Weight :13.9% ~ 8.23/50.97 = 59.2 kg
Training : rest
Next target : 3 April : 11.8% ~ 6.80/50.8 = 57.6 kg

Yesterday I wore my smallest pair of jeans that I bought a couple of weeks out from comp. I am 4 kilos heavier than last time I could fit in to them. What is that all about??